Anyone been there? What is it like for you?

Some days are good, some days are great, some days are terrible, but most days are blah.

My motivation is almost non-existent, and it makes me long for my manic episodes that have been "successfully stabilized."

I am finally on a medicine cocktail that keeps me stable, and at a neutral stable- not a low stable anymore. But it isn't fun to just be "okay" or to just be "here".

I am finding that life is getting mundane. I usually switch things up all of the time, but now I have lived in the same city with the same job for over a year- and that is making me bored out of my mind at work. I'm at the point where it is difficult to sleep and difficult to wake up, difficult to want to live a life. I'd rather just spend time in bed asleep for as long as it takes until motivation returns. But for some reason- "Adulting" doesn't allow that. This whole grown up thing is a joy kill. :) 

I don't know if any of that makes sense.

But just the aspects of life that bring me down or impact my bipolar - they are a bummer. I see myself doing so much better if I was interested. I do well when I am busy.

I am applying for graduate school- for a Masters in Counseling. It scares me, but it also excites me. I think from my journey I have learned how I needed to be supported, what hurt and what helped. I am just afraid to hold vulnerable lives/ minds/ souls in my hands. I know it wouldn't be all up to me, but it would kill me if something I said, or didn't say, or didn't pick up on- if someone ended up hurt or worse, that I could have prevented it and didn't. Or that I was a part of the cause. That scares me. But I also think that maybe I would be a good contribution to the counseling world. That maybe I could also be a great part of the solution, as my dad would say. 

Stable but stuck. In between. No motivation. One foot on each side of the line. Teetering on the fence. One gust of wind short of going down.

Did I say that I miss manic episodes? I miss manic episodes. 

Um. This is how my brain works. Sorry for the confused mess, but thanks for reading this far. :) 

Have a wonderful day!