This is getting bad and weird..... I creep myself the fuck out. I'm not sure if it's because of the emotional abuse I suffered as a teenager or because I've messed with black magic and such. But.

It's getting more uncanny every time. It happened again on Friday.

It started with a trip to walmart to blow off my birthday money (my birthday was the 31rst, I'm 21 now). When we came back, I was carrying my grocery bags full of stuff in a cardboard box, and the bottom fell out. Nothing broke, but my things fell onto the pavement, and my mother stood there and didn't help me gather them.

I was in pain, didn't sleep that night, hadn't eaten that day, and it was about 80 degrees outside, so I was more emotionally affected than I otherwise would've been, and I became quite irate and irrationally upset. I thought maybe my social "off-ness" was getting triggered because I was overwhelmed and my senses were over-stimulated, but I was wrong. Something much worse was on the horizon.

I'll cut part of the story out to save space. To make a long story short, I kept feeling offended and overwhelmed, and I could feel a tension or an internal "pressure" which I can't really describe building up,

I don't recall how I became so enraged, but I actually got quite violent. I threw food at the wall (I picked it up, but still, how silly and embarrassing...) and I was screaming profanities in a disembodied voice that was.... really, really, how do I say, ghetto? I dunno. I'm very white as you can tell, obviously, and I haven't lived in an area where such was the dialect.

I'm not exaggerating, either. It was such an exaggerated and foreign accent that I can't even imitate it now, for the sake of example. It was as if I were speaking a different language, and my tone was lowered. I didn't recognize the voice coming out of my face, and my mother didn't either. The next day she said I sounded like "Aunt Jemimah"? Is the best way she knew how to describe it.

It was an out-of-body-experience. It felt like my personality took a back-row to somebody else. I couldn't control the violent, disembodied voice coming out of my mouth and I repeatedly told my mother to "fuck off" (again, shameful, I know, I've since apologized and tried to explain all of this to her) because I was afraid that "I" would attack her if she got too close. I was afraid for both of us.

And after I got away from her, I laid in my bed and cried because I felt helpless to control "myself", and I felt that doctors would never know what caused these episodes.

It's happened before, plenty of times over the years, but it's very rarely been *that* obviously, uhhh, not who I am.

But the thing is, I remember *most* of it. Not all. I don't remember every detail of what I've said or done. But with "true" DID or "Multiple Personality Disorder", you don't remember your split episodes.

And I have multiple different "personalities" that have come to the forefront, but most of my other "alters" don't completely "take over", they just kind of express themselves partially and make their presence known to me, and sometimes, to others. Also what's different, is that the others are in some way similar to me. This one didn't come from me, and wasn't in any way similar to me.

And I have a friend who has the same thing, basically, except that he does not remember any of his episodes, where his alters come forth, even though I've spoken to a few. /:

What's wrong with me? How do I stop this? I've even considered being exorcised, except that I am mostly atheistic, and I feel that if I have foreign things infesting me, maybe they're supposed to be there? Idk!

I don't want to be exorcised, because would I then have to spend the rest of my life being religious? Doesn't sound like me. Doesn't sound fun, to me.

But that's besides the point that, I strongly believe that there is a plausible scientific explanation, a neurological or psychological explanation.

So, probably I'll just go to Viewpoint (it's the sliding-scale center where I go for my psychiatric medicines). And confess to them all of this. /:

Sorry that this is weird as hell, and awkward as hell. Please believe, I know. Luckily it doesn't happen much...

I'm scared. I don't want to go to the state hospital or get put on Haldol or Geodon or any of those extreme antipsychotics which sedate, because right now, I need my energy levels up.

It's not interesting to me anymore, that I have "different sides". It's creepy, and it's terrifying. This is going too far.

Does anyone here have "alters"? *shudders*

**by the way, this is off-topic, but I don't remember if I've told you or not. Mum's home. She's been home. Her blood pressure was low, again. That's what was causing her symptoms. But the main reason she was acting loony is because her blood-oxygen level was 40%, so she wasn't getting oxygen to her brain.

But they fixed her, and she's been home for a while now. She goes to the fire station now sometimes, to get her blood pressure and blood-oxygen level checked. She's doing okay.