Without getting into details about figures all the purchases I continuously make with the many rationalizations (I've had such a hard life and I've survived, my fiancee can afford it- more on that below) and impulsiveness all I can say is that it is very disturbing. It gets even weirder when you consider that I am spending my fiancee's money since he supplements my income. Granted, he does very well with his business so I'm not breaking the bank, but when he gave me the credit card it was for me to get around town while he was in meetings here in LA. There is deceit involved because I am probably always, on some level, in survival mode. Combined with BP it's a tough egg to crack. I went to an outdoor shopping mecca without a care in the world and spent around $500 - lipsticks, bras, clothes, bath salts, a gift, nails & massage, and meals. Last weekend in NYC I spent close to $500 on winter clothes. (his money of course).

He did get upset when I told him (he had to draw it out of me). First I hid my face and asked him not to be mad at me. I seem regress and he becomes my surrogate father.

If I could show you a pic of me sitting in the nail salon massage chair as I was having a pedicure, manicure, and neck massage all at once you would think I was a queen! (I certainly felt like one) The endorphins were really flowing and I was enjoying telling jokes with the gals.

But seriously, I have been like this for years and were it not for him I'd be in big trouble. I was deprived of so much as a child and I wonder when this acting out is going to run its course, The irony is that I give things away just as impulsively.

I think I'll start a journal and this will be my first post.