Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
If there is a God, why doesn't he just strike me down and be done with it?! I used to believe in Him fervently. I had to. There had to be some purpose to it all.....now? Who cares?! You have to have darkness and pain to really appreciate light and joy, RIGHT?! Well, thanks for making the fucking example of misery.
I hate to be this way. I want to enjoy life again. I want hopes. I want aspirations. I want to believe that someday my life will be worth living. But all of that is gone. It has been for years. The only "happy" moments I've had for years were not happiness. Oh no, it was temporary denial fueled by a manic state. Or a mask I put on for others so I can join in on their masquerade. So I can fit in and not rock the boat.
Not anymore. Pandora's box has been opened and nothing will ever be able to put it all back!!!!!!!!!!! Things will never be right or normal again.
My doctor's office ordered my seraquel two months ago. still not here. They don't know why. They gave me temporary samples but they are gone too. They tell me it's such a bad thing to get off my meds but they don't fucking give them to me!!!!! Tonight, I didn't take the other 5 meds they have me on. I'm only a day or so from being let loose upon the world. I've not even begun my descent into madness yet though. I am still thinking clear now. I know what's coming and I don't care.
I live ONLY for others now. The only thing that keeps me from ripping my veins and arteries out is knowing my death will screw up my little brother's life so badly that, one day, he might turn out like me or worse.
How long will that be enough?! Once I have returned to the abyss, I don't know what I'll be capable of. I might just ride this broken roller-coaster straight down into Hell.
I hate to be this way. I want to enjoy life again. I want hopes. I want aspirations. I want to believe that someday my life will be worth living. But all of that is gone. It has been for years. The only "happy" moments I've had for years were not happiness. Oh no, it was temporary denial fueled by a manic state. Or a mask I put on for others so I can join in on their masquerade. So I can fit in and not rock the boat.
Not anymore. Pandora's box has been opened and nothing will ever be able to put it all back!!!!!!!!!!! Things will never be right or normal again.
My doctor's office ordered my seraquel two months ago. still not here. They don't know why. They gave me temporary samples but they are gone too. They tell me it's such a bad thing to get off my meds but they don't fucking give them to me!!!!! Tonight, I didn't take the other 5 meds they have me on. I'm only a day or so from being let loose upon the world. I've not even begun my descent into madness yet though. I am still thinking clear now. I know what's coming and I don't care.
I live ONLY for others now. The only thing that keeps me from ripping my veins and arteries out is knowing my death will screw up my little brother's life so badly that, one day, he might turn out like me or worse.
How long will that be enough?! Once I have returned to the abyss, I don't know what I'll be capable of. I might just ride this broken roller-coaster straight down into Hell.
They now get vs call every 3-5 says from me, due to issues what you are saying.
Bet they are saying they never got it.
Can you get samples (again) or a local pharmacy to supply some?
if you are "out" of local pharmacy fills for Seroquel, explain to your p-doc and get a slight dosage change (maybe up, since you feel sucky currently). This restarts your local prescription fill.
These are just ideas.
I'm truly sorry you're suffering so badly. Please don't hurt yourself.
Xxxx
Lollster
surferchica: I don't think I can get anything from the local pharmacy, I am in some kind of program where the manufacturer sends my doctor my medicine for free because I qualify for something that I can't remember. I can't afford a regular prescription and the on site pharmacist won't be in until tomorrow to even check to SEE if they have samples. I have contacted them many times. and they always said they will call her and figure (whatever the issue is at the time) out and call me back....which never actually happens. Eventually, I wind up doing what I figure they prefer I did, I stop calling.
lollster: I believe you and thank you. You words are truly comforting. I used to be religious but now I only believe there is a god some of the time. And other times, I figure if one does exist...he is not the benevolent god most religions think he is. Perhaps, he is actually maleficent. Like the old mythic Norse god Loki, why would he let you know he is tricking you? So I figure he doesn't exist or at the very least, he just doesn't like me. Either way it's the same result. Expect that I have to deal with my own problems rather than waiting for some divine entity to decide I've had enough.
I still don't truly know how long I will last but at least for now, I know I will be able to last through today. And that will have to be enough right now.