it sucks... Feeling like you're looking out, but no one can see in... even if they want to...

I no the feeling. I have been sober for 9 month now but I just want to take the edge of everything. It's hard

I just want to stop... like stop everything... I hate waking up so much to the point i avoid sleep.

Thanks mate.

It sure is easy to be ashamed of my mental illnesses. Yes, I have multiple. It is also easy to be ashamed of being too skinny, too ugly and too old. I could go on but. . . Enough shame for one sitting. Shame is a shameless slime that can snot cover anything once I get going on it.

My party hardy friends are frequently amazed that I can be as crazy as I am while I am stone cold sober. So are my stick-up-the-ass friends. Even my doctors tell me that drugs will make me normal. Well. . . At least closer to normal. ^Sigh^ I frequently wish I could go for that artificially induced numbness, but I can never handle the side effects or the coming down. What's a nut job to do?

Gentle empathy, Antsin. I sure wish there was an easy way around that self-loathing. As it is, I am ^just^ taking it one hate attack at a time. All I need is love?

Sadly I don't know what to tell you. I get that feeling you crave. I've always felt everything too much. I work on this often with my therapist. Do you have a therapist?

It takes a lot of effort and change to accept sobriety ..... There are good organizations that can help you through Ants.... There is a good Alcoholism board on here
Feeling all the emotion that has been put to sleep with a substance would be overwhelming for a while I have no doubt.... Good for you for fighting
Big hug and a blessing.... I wish you well......xo

I definitely can identify with the avoidance through fucked up scenario. I never drank everyday, but at times I would put as much as I could down me as fast as I could and keep doing it.
My doctor and a friend told me something that made a difference. When people drink or use drugs, everyone can see in. They know you're not well and you show it much more. You might feel dumbed down but you generally just look stupid.
Kind of suck with me, but didn't stop me until I saw a lot of different people, some add young as 8, that were in rehab for doing the same things

I do have a therapist, but i'm afraid to open up anymore. I don't want someone to know too much about me. I always had a hard time qualifying myself as an addict or an alcoholic, because i'd have a similar problem @bothsidesbroken where i would get so upset i would want to numb myself into oblivion. Usually only lasted until i ran out of a resource, or ended up in a hospital. It's no way to live, i feel like inevitably i'm going to meet my end so what's really the point in running from it anymore. I'm at a point where i'm just ready to concede and fold in, and accept the inevitably. I wake up so frustrated that i wake up, i always want to push myself off the borderline and not wake up, i'm just either too scared to do it my self or i'm too lazy. I envy those who are able to simply go full throttle and take their life, because what's worse than killing yourself (in my opinion) is not wanting to live, but too nervous about closing the final curtain. Thank you everyone for the support.