I'm sorry that the board was not active this am, so that you had to wait a half an hour for a response. It is not usually like that.

Anyway, I'm glad you found this website. We just call it DS here. And we call bipolar people beepers.

I want to tell you that you are definitely not alone here. I have experience all the symptoms you are describing thru many, many cycles of symptoms or episodes, as some call them.

I have been suicidal, have approx. 4 attempts, have lost my 12 year old daughter. I have lost dear, dear relationships w/ people who just cannot be compassionate or understanding of my disorder.

While I am bipolar (so I have the 'benefit' of rapid cycling and having the joy of hypomania and the 'normalcy' period of the cycle) I don't know if you are bipolar or the one sided type which is called uni-polar depression. Either way, you must learn to view the emotions/moods you are now experiencing as temporary. At your core you must believe this.

Is difficult when it is your 1st depression. It is difficult in your 100th depression. But, it makes this disorder so much more bearable.

I will send you a friend request so we can correspond more than just on the discussion boards. Again, I am glad you found DS. I have been a member for 3 years, and it has been an invaluable part of my slow, step by step recovery process.

I am also rapid cycling bipolar. can go from not wanting to live this life and be a burden on others to wanting to brake eveything around me (and sometimes a few ppl) in pure anger, to so happy I feel I can do anything. this cycle happens a few times in just one day. I'm currently in the situation that I could end up loosing the lil bit of time I have with my 13y/o son. I feel that I already lost it. I've lost my current relationship as it is. as well as my job.

I've been dealing with this for over a decade, I stopped going to therapy cause I felt they didn't get it just before my son was born cause I though that I would grow out of this.. lil did I know back then about all this and how it just doesn't go away. and in this case it has gotten worst. I have taken extra pills in hopes that they will knock me out before I get any worst. Not sure how bad that could be, wasn't really thinking about it like that (I never seem to think about anything clearly before I do it. ) And I just flipped out on my somewhat of a GF on to phone cause she was asking questions as to how I was doing. I didn't mean to, just feel that sometimes in oder to get my point across I have to let my control go or it wont work. I don't want to kill my self.. but I end updoing things that could get me there before thinking about it clearly. I'm so tired of feeling alone, and more so I so tired of the ppl around me that don't understand. I can't hang like this for much longer.

I can relate completely to you.

I've been coming out of a depression/mixed cycle and literally yesterday, the veil of depression lifted and I see, for the first time in months, how much I have hurt people.

I hurt people because I felt like I didn't matter to them...that I would be better off pushing them away because they didn't/wouldn't understand and reject me.

I wish there was a magic answer for all of us...but there isn't. In my mind, as I was crying myself to sleep last night (god, I'm tired this morning!!), I kept chanting "one day at a time...one day at a time" and while it didn't feel like much comfort then, it's the only truth I can cling to right now as I attempt to put my life back together.

Please come to this board and say whatever you want; I'm new here too and it's been a great help.

You're not alone. You are NOT alone.

@Intheblue.

I sometimes don't know if that vial lifting is a good thing for me. I get that brief sigh of relief only to hit an state of anger. Anger with my self and with the ppl around me. Sometimes some of those ppl have been less than kind, and sometimes (ok, allot of times) they are the last ones to blame. I seem to lash out the most at the ppl who are there trying to help the most. My anger can get so out of control so easily that before I know it I have said way to many hurtful things to the last person I should be hurting. I try to make up for it when I'm doing ok but it never seems to be enough.

I've let go a few ppl that I loved so dearly in my life cause I feel that they would be better off not having to deal with me. I'm trying so hard to not feel alone!!

A few nights ago I had a knife in my hand and I froze for about 5 minutes (so it seemed like to me, who knows how long it was) telling my self its 'not worth it', and just trying hard to remember my son and how I made I promise to my self that I would never leave him in this world without a daddy. sometimes it feels like such a struggle to remember that.

You are right, no matter how much I try to tell my self 'just one day at a time' there are some days that it just doesn't work. (Or what I like to say, thats to Disney's Nemo, "just keep swimming, just keep swimming"). I guess its hard to say that when you feel like you're drowning.

thank you both for your comments!! I'm glad I joined DS.

Glad we found you, hang in there, and the world would not be better without you, I too have heard those hurtful words about not being "ok" enough to be around your own child and I know that really hurts, all I can tell you is it can and will get better, please come to the board often, we have all been where you are right now, it is a slow process, but it really does get better. Sending you many hugs and prayers.

hi there
it sounds like your getting mixed episodes that are making you angry
some of the pills can change that if you get the right ones.

i think you might be undermedicated or just not on the right thing

what do you take?

im no doctor but just from what i've read here

welcome to the group

as everyone else has said, this board is a wonderful place to be. I haven't run into one nasty person here...everyone is supportive and caring and most of all, understanding.

I hate this saying......but hang in there. It does get better and before you know it, the sadness, anger and confusion will cease and you'll be on the slow climb back to the top. Of course, there's always the fall back to the bottom, but know that when that happens, you have an army of new friends here that will help you through.

(((hugs)))

thanks all! I'm trying to keep reality in focus. I, unfortunately, am not on any meds right now. I ran out and cant afford them (no med insurance). I was on addaral and depakote mainly. but as of mid this week I've been out. The only one I have left is my anxiety med, which doesn't really do the trick for me. I mainly use that one if I can't sleep.

=(

You are not alone... Im glad you are here. There is alot of support in this group
~ hugs~ for u

what d dyer said try the pharmaceutical company's to get some pills

i hope you feel better soon

sorry you are in a tight situation with your insurance. I hope you get some kind of coverage soon.

You're not alone; we get it. I'm sorry people have abandoned you. You will make some understanding friends here, I'm sure of it.

Good luck to you. xxx Sorry I don't have any good advice.

Welcome! I'm glad you found us! I hope you find the support helpful.

It sounds like you have some very difficult challenges. It's hard to treat bp if you can't get on the medications you need. It's hard to get the medications you need if you can't afford them. It's hard to afford them if you don't have insurance. Can your doctor help you in any way?

I have been suicidal in the past too. It's a very scary thought to me when I reflect on those difficult times. As MaineGirl has stated, it's important to attempt both self-compassion and self-awareness. It's good to know that, as trite as it sounds, "This too shall pass."

One thing to note is that my therapist adds something to that:

"This too shall pass and I will get through it the best that I can."

One way that I have convinced myself in the past of the temporary nature of my moods is through the use of a mood chart. Charting my mood over the long term shows the highs, lows, and relatively stable periods in my life.