Bipolar Disorder Support Group

Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.

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gothfemmedyke 06/02/2008

I journaled about this a little earlier and then realized that maybe other people could benefit from sharing their experiences. Here's my journal entry (discussion questions to follow):

I thought today was better, but I guess I was wrong. I recently hit myself approximately 15 times in the forehead (wait for the irony) with a thick, hard-cover self-help book. I have a huge "goose-egg" lots of tissue swelling and I'm sure the red patches covering my forehead will be purple by morning. I have never hit myself like this before. I usually cut or in the rare instance I will burn myself. All of this because my mother, who does not understand my illness (nor does she make any attempts to understand) told me that my recent "break" was just me "pushing everyone's buttons". I proceeded to scream into the phone "I DON'T MEAN TO PUSH ANYONE'S BUTTONS... DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND I'M LOSING MY FUCKING MIND?!" Then I hung up on her, threw the phone against the wall, bashed my head with the book, threw my face into my bed where I spent the next 5 minutes (or so) screaming into my bed. Within minutes she was at my door to take my 2 year old daughter away. Why do I do this to myself? I'm just so fucked up right now.... and in pain. My partner doesn't get home for at least 2 more hours... I'm wondering if I have a concussion. If the mental health care weren't so horrificlly bad in my area (I live in a very secluded and primitive part of California) I would have already sought help, but admitting myself would be worse torture than what I am going through right now (just think mental "prisons" of the past- unsanitary, nurses who don't care...sedate and ignore seems to be hospital policy).

How many of you self-harm when you are angry or frustrated rather than depressed?

How many of you do not seek professional help while in crisis because the care is so bad?

How many of you are triggered by friends/family who are suppossed to be your support network, but just have no clue how to deal with you when you're in crisis?

deleted_user 06/02/2008

I do it too. When I am really,really fucking frustrated, it's like everything boils over and hitting something seems like a good idea. Or cutting something, destroying something, I donno... but I sometimes do it too. I'm trying to cut that out. it's rough, but there are ways to lessen it.

tommymott 06/02/2008

I don't intentionally self-injure. Fortunately, I'm careless and clumsy so I've always got a use for band-aids and anti-biotic cream. I admit I don't understand people who self-harm very well. But getting some professional help would be good. When you said "All this because my mother..." it really jumped out at me. I don't think this is your Mother's fault. I don't think you can get a concussion from hitting yourself with a self-help book unless you wrap it around a brick first. That's an observation, not a recommendation. OK, I'll come clean. I did cut once when I was manic. I didn't like it and was afraid I'd do worse so I talked myself out of it. I figured I had enough problems already, you know? Anyway, seeing a therapist/doc seems like a really good idea to me. Take care.

deleted_user 06/02/2008

I can relate to that. I had alot of negativity to deal with on top of the emotional things I was going through. No one around me understood anything. Didn't know how to begin helping me and I was young. What did I know to do to help myself. Isn't that my parents job i'd say to myself. Alot of self harm and I punched alot of walls, broke windows I can understand. As an adult I'm not that far off from doing those things when I rage and fel misunderstood, judged. It hurts, It's hard to go through. I don't seek any help besides medications because I will fall far back into my past and I can't do that. But people here understand and you are not alone and there is hope for change. I'm still trying. Don't give up to any of it. People thought I acted the way i did for attention. Trust me it sucks. I know it does. Big hugs and much love to you! We are all warriors and we are worth the fight.

deleted_user 06/02/2008

I used to occasionally si when frustrated, but mostly depressed. The medication I'm taking now, however, has really helped with that. Geodon and Ativan.

deleted_user 06/02/2008

When I feel like I am really losing it, I tend to drive really really fast- 120 mp..plus...I figured out one day that this would probably be my way out one day...I attended an 'inner child workshop' several years ago where we did some healing work--one of the things I got out of it that has been helpful for me is that I had to become the adult to protect "my own child". I now have a picture of me when I was about 2 and a half-It sits in the dash of my Miata-right in at the speedometor-there is a tiny label next to it that says 'take care of her'; oddly enough, when I see that little tiny baby girl-her big blue eyes so innocent and trusting, yet helpless, the me that is driving, has to slow down, to, yes, take care of her.

Sweet One, take care of You. Hang in there.

deleted_user 06/02/2008

First put some ice on that forehead and try to lay down and relax, yeah right. lol I have done self-harm, usually am in mixed states though. I do not seek professional help when in crisis because the care sux. Families just don't seem to understand, they say I wish I could help, but don't know what to do. "Just stay out of my way then!" "Leave me alone."

starfish 06/03/2008

All of the above. YOu are not alone.

deleted_user 06/03/2008

i used to si, there is a si group you can join here on ds. you need to practice distraction techniques. my final solution was turning to tatoos for the pain, to take away the emotional pain! my pdoc said he would put me in the hospital if i cut, then i would be considered unstabel and loose my children. you need to find some help and fast! you have a baby to take care of! you need to go out of town and find a good pdoc and some therapy! my mother is a huge trigger for me also! im here if you want to talk! (((hugs)))

Chuggernaught 06/03/2008

I burned and pierced myself. I preffered the burn because it hurt worse. Then I learned about ways to exert pain on your body in a positive way, that way you get to stop the mental anguish with out negative side effects.

gothfemmedyke 06/03/2008

I wish I had the money to just go out and get pierced or inked when I feel like hurting myself, but alas... a victim of the failing disability system, I haven't worked in over 2 years, still fighting my disability case, and broke as hell with no adequate source of income. Besides, my SI is similar to rage... it is not planned, it just happens, somewhat out of control. If I showed up to my tat artist with that crazy look in my eye, he'd probably turn me away and tell me to go calm down before he'd work on me. I can understand that.

I was right about my forehead being purple in the morning. It's swollen, with dark purple "L" shapes (probably where the corners of the book hit). I feel really stupid this morning. Been making phone calls all morning to various social service agencies to try to get some help... same ol' story..."we'll call you back when we get more info."- They never do.

I am working with my family to create a crisis plan so that I don't injure myself anymore, that I am not a threat to my family in these times (either physically or emotionally), and hopefully in time, we'll find a doctor who's actually willing to sit down with us and create a treatment plan for me as well. But for right now, I'm flying solo. I am looking forward to Friday. There is a bipolar support group specifically for LGBT people (I am a lesbian, if you didn't already have that figured out), and I am hoping to benefit from the support, and hopefully the experiences of others who have had to deal with the shitty services in our area. Instead of re-inventing the wheel, they might be able to point me in the right direction to finally get the help that I so desperately need.

angeleyes92 06/03/2008

I would inflict pain on myself if someone pushed my buttons the wrong way. I wont go to the hospital when things get bad cause I don't want to have to explain to my family, parents and kids, what is wrong with me. And that leaves my husband and some friends that are my support system and for the most part they arent what triggers me, usually my kids are despite me loving them more than anything else in the world.

deleted_user 06/03/2008

I've cut forever. It's almost an addiction-takes the pain in my brain away and centers it on the pain I gave myself. Getting healthy is the only answer and finding other ways to distract the brain pain. Hugs to you, talk to someone who might be able to give you tools to get past this self destructive behavior.

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