Hello, my name is Maryam. I have been on this site for a while, but this is my first post. My family lacks communication. On the surface we look very close, but in reality everyone is in their own little corner dealing with their own shit. One of my older sisters got married and didn’t tell anyone, I didn’t find out my dad had prostate cancer until months after he started receiving treatment. For years I’ve been trying to open the lines of communication. To at least share what’s going on with me with my family. Earlier today I sent a family text to everyone, excitedly telling them that I’m going back to school in January. I got a few responses, positive ones. But that’s it. I sent the text to 7 family members including my mother and father, and maybe 3 family members responded. I’m not expecting a parade, but this is a big deal to me. I’ve been wanting to go back to school for years. And the fact that I am feeling ok enough to go is huge. I just wanted more support, more kudos, more validation. Something other than silence from most of the people on the text. I am upset, I am second guessing myself, I am thinking maybe I should not have sent the text, maybe I over shared by telling my family about going back to school, maybe I should have kept my plans to myself. Now I am feeling sad and confused because one side of me says “that’s just how my family is, don’t worry about it, I did nothing wrong, my family is just weird” the other side says “my family is supposed to be loving and supportive, and I know most of them are not, so I never should have tried to communicate in the first place” And I feel stupid for being upset over such a small situation. And because of this I was triggered into feelings of unworthiness, I keep having these negative thoughts that tell me “ look how pathetic you are, not even your family cares about you”. I feel sad and confused and lost. I just want some support. Some acknowledgement that I’m working hard on getting my life together, some validation. I know I’m not supposed to want or need outside validation, but I’m not there yet. I need someone to tell me that I’m doing a good job. That I matter. I know it’s pathetic. Ok, I just wanted to share how I’m feeling, have a good night.
my something is this:i bought a bed frame for a bigger bed for my new room. I also bought the bedspread and sheets. I still need to buy a mattress but I don’t have money to buy everything at once. I’m in no particular rush. I’m happy to buy things as I can afford them. It’s kinda nice. Your turn !!
I’m lonely and anxious and irritable and have no appetite. Thankfully my therapist is back tomorrow and I have an appointment with her. I may want to see her on Thursday too. I’m falling apart on the inside and nobody knows. I’m doing what I have to do. Really I just want to lay in bed all day and sleep. But I visited my sister for an hour and we chatted over coffee. I shoveled my driveway....