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My 19yo son planned to go to Busch Gardens today with some friends. Weather predicted rain today all week. I was really hoping the forecast would change to a sunny day and they could enjoy themselves. All the kids were going regardless, rain or shine. The thought of the bad weather was in the back of my head this entire week. It affected my sleep and mood. I began thinking, kids, driving, rain, wreck, death. I was trying real hard to push those thoughts out of my head and stay more rational. I tried very hard to remember, if it's someone's time to die, it's their time, not a damn thing I can do about it. Well, that thought was short-lived because then I started to think that if he just stayed home no wreck, no death. So, began the arguement.
Some of my mental health history-I was diagnosed with OCD after Koty was born. I was 20yo. I had an irrational fear that someone was going to break into our place, and kill him and myself. It got real bad, and my obsessive "checking" began. Hours of it. I wouldn't leave the house after a certain time of day because I thought THAT would be the time someone would sneak in and hide. I would have everything already checked. Every closet, under the bed, the locks on the windows and doors, the washer and dryer, even the oven. I slept with a gun under my pillow, the clip in the night stand. I was treated, it got better.
Obviously though, I still have thoughts of him dying. This past winter was awful and I had horrible anxiety when snow was in the forcast since he was driving to school. Talk about not staying mindful. I've put a huge strain on our relationship because of this shit. I'm mad at myself because I probably should have let him go and be stupid with his friends and play in the freaking rain at Bush Gardens and not ruined his day. I personally think it's ridiculous, but it's not the main reason I argued with him about going. I am so upset and can't seem to get him to understand why I do what I do.
Some of my mental health history-I was diagnosed with OCD after Koty was born. I was 20yo. I had an irrational fear that someone was going to break into our place, and kill him and myself. It got real bad, and my obsessive "checking" began. Hours of it. I wouldn't leave the house after a certain time of day because I thought THAT would be the time someone would sneak in and hide. I would have everything already checked. Every closet, under the bed, the locks on the windows and doors, the washer and dryer, even the oven. I slept with a gun under my pillow, the clip in the night stand. I was treated, it got better.
Obviously though, I still have thoughts of him dying. This past winter was awful and I had horrible anxiety when snow was in the forcast since he was driving to school. Talk about not staying mindful. I've put a huge strain on our relationship because of this shit. I'm mad at myself because I probably should have let him go and be stupid with his friends and play in the freaking rain at Bush Gardens and not ruined his day. I personally think it's ridiculous, but it's not the main reason I argued with him about going. I am so upset and can't seem to get him to understand why I do what I do.
Remember all the times your son went out in the rain and snow and didn't die, or for that matter, all the times you did? It's probably not healthy to try to protect him from every natural weather change.
Even though you think it's what best for him, don't try to rationalize your irratic thoughts. This is something you need to work on, not only for yourself but your whole family.
xx hugs xx
There are plenty of sunny days ahead and even though a rainy day at the park seems like fun, in theory it gets old quickly. Wet clothes from a water ride even in the summertime feel utterly disgusting after a while.
You may have OCD, but there is no excuse or apology needed for parenting your child.
At 19 he is in a natural state of rebellion~~kids can't wait for the freedom of adulthood but they never want the responsibility that comes with being an adult.
He may not understand now . . . give him 6-8 or experiencing the birth of his own child and he will know.
Hugs,
Tracey
I actually let him read some of my post. He said, "Dad did tell me you used to check things when I was a baby". He laughed "I didn't know it was that bad though...the washing maching mom?...goofy". He laughed and gave me a big hug. Made me feel alot better and it gave him some insight into the situtation as well. I can feel the tension has let up alot. And it's a good feeling that we're smiling at one another.
xx hugs xx