TW: mention of previous self-harm  in a bit..

TLDR; struggling really hard emotionally tonight, maybe it's the meds, who knows?

Yesterday I drank a medium iced latte from Dunkin around noon. Caffeine isn't usually a trigger for me. Also not willing to give it up because it's one of the only things I still find pleasure in when depressed...though tomorrow I should probably have plain coffee not expresso I the latte...anyway

Last night I took my first lamotrigine (25mg) at 830pm. I wasn't given a specific time of day to take it so I chose evening so I could have one less morning task when I eventually get back to work. 

I tried to go to bed somewhere around 11pm-12am but I got up to brush my teeth and it all went downhill from there I had racing thoughts though I managed to breathe through them, too much energy which I generally always channel into a music/dance party to try to get out. Mostly decreased need for sleep, I laid down to try to sleep and was awake for the entire night so I passed the time watching Hulu while I laid down. I didn't get tired until 6am but my husband was going to come home from work at 7am so I gave up going to sleep. He brought home another latte not knowing I'd been up all night which I was happy to have even though it was probably bad but I made sure to drink it earlier in the day. I stayed awake all day today (being tired but okish) until taking a nap from maybe like 3-5ish. 

Currently I'm feeling some kind of way. I still feel wide awake, probably anxious, I don't know if agitated is the right word but maybe on edge. It's also my time of the month (sorry tmi!) So I'm sure that isn't helping at all.

I really need a place to just get this all out so I'm going to share this too...I'm going to be okay but I'm also still waiting to see a therapist because the other thing I struggle with when I'm struggling emotionally is with self-harm. As a teenager I cut, for a while and eventually got some help in therapy, and then still struggled a bit with it on and off in college too when my depression pops up. It's been 4.5 years since I cut, but during this mess the last couple months I have scratched myself three times which I don't want to downplay because I know it is still "bad" but during February when things got really bad with my depression I was having urges daily so I don't feel bad about relapsing a couple times because I have still grown so much to be strong enough to fight as much as I have over these last months. I have taken a lot of steps to help myself that I usually don't. I have been more honest with my husband and one friend about my urges and have gone to them a lot instead of cutting which is huge. And since I'm on medical leave I've been putting a lot of effort into writing...I've kind of been doing some art journaling. I've probably written more in the last 3 months than I did in the last year. It's helpful, but I'm still looking forward to working towards understanding the roots of my self harm better in therapy some more again. There were many ways it met needs for me and one of the hardest pieces of it for me to let go of is that it was a way to express my emotional pain on my body when words didn't feel enough, and when depression takes away my ability to cry. It was never to show anyone else just for me but it helped me understand or express my pain somehow and anyway I'm just hoping I will be able to work through that in therapy some more. I'm okay for tonight I think I just have some much on my mind and tonight just feels emotionally painful and I know I'm also sleep deprived and hormonal. I just wanted a place to write this all out and look forward to getting maybe a couple comments back. If you've taken the time to read all this, it means more than you know. Thank you all for being a support for me here. Thanks for letting me share.