Hun, I fee for you because this is something that I also struggle with. I think mindfulness is good at trying to bring awareness to the present moment rather to the past. The past haunts me too. I have terrible memories of things that I have done too when I was so ill. Its not your fault you had a manic episode and now that you are on meds lets hope it will prevent you from having another manic episode.

At the time when I am manic, I don't feel depressed at all....I just party constantly for weeks at a time.....I can stay up for 5 days and 5 nights and then sleep for a couple of days.......when I come down off my high (usually leads to hospitalization)....I get so depressed at what I've done....and the thing is....I only remember some of it.....It's when others tell ye....bits of it come bak...........not good!

I hate to think about what I've done...........usually, promiscuity.

I tried EVERYTHING in the book to stop my obsessive thoughts about past events( and current ones) mindfulness, prayer, therapy....the only thing that ended up controlling it for me was an anti psychotic, but that's just me, I tend to do things half assed so maybe other techniques may work for you.

Big hugs Linda, keep your head up, you made another go of it today and your still trucking....be proud of that!

I have done so much of that myself. It hurts, I know.
I am going to a 12-Step Group that is helping me.
I am only on my first step. The one I go to is called Al-Anon.
My brother is an alcoholic, and it affects the whole family.
There are many different 12-Step Groups, but they all
lead everyone to a Spiritual Awakening. Love, heathercliff

i think therapy could be very helpful to you, to help you keep focus on the present.
i'm sorry you're going through this. i was the same way for a long, long time, but just basically got tired of kicking my own ass, and had to get therapy and meds.

Well, I couldn't think of anything too helpful to tell you. I'd say keep yourself busy and every time you catch yourself thinking of the past, stop yourself and make yourself plan for the future, even if it's just in small ways.

But if your thoughts are as long-standing and intrusive as you indicate here, I don't know if that would be effective at all. The habit might be too firmly entrenched for such a simple step to work.

So, I went Googling. Most of what I saw was exactly what I expected -- the same kind of crap I just suggested to you.

I did, however, find the following from searching "stop dwelling on the past":

"The literature on thought suppression is pretty compelling - the studies suggest you can't do it, and that, indeed, when you try to do it, the thoughts get even more intrusive ("Don't think of an elephant!"). Wegner is an important investigator in this field, if you're interested in learning about it. The bottom line is that your attempts to stop yourself from thinking about your past have the paradoxical effect of *reminding* you about your past.

So, what to do? Acceptance and Committment Therapy might offer you a different way to approach this issue that centers around mindfulness and being present. If you don't want to see a therapist, check out some of their self help books. Two that I'd recommend are Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life by Steven Hayes, and The Happiness Trap, How to Stop Suffering and Start Living by Russ Harris."

So, there ya go!! I was going to suggest therapy, if you haven't already tried it, because if you've been stuck in this rut for over ten years, it's probably time to try some professional help!!

Another bit of information that I found of interest was when someone suggested:

"Talk therapy may give you coping skills, but you also need to address your overall health and possibly look at medication for a least a short term to give you some breathing room."

I don't know what kind of meds you are on, but perhaps you would benefit from something other than what you currently take. Or something in addition to it.
Perhaps it's mostly your brain chems locking you into this train of thought.

Good luck to you. Over ten years of obsessing on one of the unhappiest times of your life does indeed sound gut-wrenching. I hope you can break out of it!!! (((((Hugs)))))

The only way I stop thinking of my past and having recurring bad thoughts is to focus on my friends or other people. That is why I think I like my job so much it is hours of helping others where I don't have time to think about my own problems or I can use my problems to help others. But honestly, psychotherapy and anti-psychotics are the only other things that helped me. Good luck and hang in there, if you never give up you will make it.

I also have recurring, intrusive thoughts and it certainly sucks. I am on alot of medication, but I still get them. My pdoc gave me 2 words to say when the thoughts come that have helped me alot. When the thoughts get into my head, aI say "Not Helpful"...believe it or not, these words have helped me tremendously.

I would think some therapy would help you. I have had past family issues that to this day I dwell on and it kills me!!! I am in therapy now and it is helping me to accept the past and not dwell and to move on. I wish you all the luck in the world. It is not easy!

Just a wee thank you for all your advice...I have tried therapy and counselling but nothing stops these intrusive thoughts......As soon as I wake up it starts......and, sometimes I dream about what's bothering me....I don't get any peace from it.....I tried to end it all 10 times to no avail.........First time was 10 yrs ago..(ended up on a life support machine for 13 hours) Was really angry when I woke up.....If it wasn't for a friend finding me I would have succeeded........was and still am angry that he interfered......If he hadn't I wouldn't be here today......I constantly think of death but have no suicidal tendencies at the mo........In saying that, I do have the means to end it all. Just biding my time..........

Thought I would come back on here to chat to ya all in the hope that I could feel better.....but, nothing seems to work.....anyway, I will keep plodding on until it gets too much. Thankx

Forgiveness. Forgive yourself with or without your higher power. You have a disorder and it is what it is right now. If you can get further treatment I would look into it if it were me so I could learn how to manage even more with skills...you may be able to learn how to see the episodes quickly and cut off the destructive behaviors with further treatment...this would in turn help your self worth and self esteem.

A thought is just a thought. A feeling just a feeling. The action I would take is forgive over and over and over. Pray for tolerance. Acknowledge your feelings. And act opposite with activities that are opposite to the emotion you are feeling..and give yourself a break.

I had embarrassing manic phases before I became somewhat stable. I can remember the days of people telling me what I did instead of me remembering. At some point I had to realize that those were bad times in the past and I was losing presious time in my current life by thinking and worrying about them or people from then.

I can't remember exactly how I stopped but a DBT book I have helped and just telling myself I wasn't going to waste anymore time worrying about the past because I had to live in the present.

I do the same thing, especially at night. I lay awake ruminating on conversations, things I want to say to people or what I'm going to say...even conversations from tv shows or movies...I have to try to be 'mindful' and stop myself but still have problems. I found an interesting artice about ruminating and bipolar.
http://www.biolmoodanxietydisord.com/content/pdf/2045-5380-2-2.pdf
I feel this causes problems for me so I understand how you feel...you are not alone : )

My shrink had me go out and volunteer since I cant work.
So I volunteer for this organization (I am 60 they are all 75 and older) I work one day in the recieving room whear second hand stuff comes in to be priced.
I worke one day in the second hand store.
I am the chairman of a unit all members are 80-85.
I make sure that 45 kids per year get a birthday cake and that there are cookies at the faciities/
I make sure every kid gets an easterbasket.And that there are special chistmas cookies and puch at christmas time
And my units decorates the cennter at the holiday season.

It kinda takes over the mindset.
I still get the "what if" especially since out of 35 cousins my kid is the only one who did go to college and doesnt have a "good" job because he didnt have a home to stay in after he grad from HS.

honestly... fuck the therapy.. try an anti-psychotic.. only thing that rids me of mine, i like risperdal.