Bipolar Disorder Support Group

Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.

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xBlissx 11/12/2008

Wow...ok so don't really know how to start this entry. I don't know what I'm feeling to be honest. I don't know, and yet at the same time it feels like the slightest thing would just make me emotionally 'crack'.

I have so many mixed feelings going on right now. Earlier on (as in about 2 hours ago) I had the thought "Fuck this, I don't want to spend my life like this anymore. I WANT to go back to work, I WANT to live my life again." .....
....Now 2 hours later and I'm thinking "Fuck this, I just want to resort back into my eating disorder, self harm, depressed self. I don't want to fight it anymore, I want to act out on it."

..................................... WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!!! ...........................................

I've been feeling so mixed recently but this is just rediculous. When I was getting the positive thoughts I was just thinking...yeah, tomorrow I'm going to go into day patients and be like "I can do this, I can turn things around. I actually WANT to get better now!" I was feeling so motivated.....

....but it was all just FAKE! FAKE hope, FAKE belief, FAKE thinking!!! I can't lie myself into recovery! If I don't WANT to do it and don't believe I can I'm NEVER going to! I might as well just admit this is going to be my life and endulge in it!!!

x-Bliss-x

deleted_user 11/12/2008

I've been switching that quickly too! I'll be thinking - just like you - yeah I can do this, I can go back to work, I can manage to handle these things, I'll get better etc.

Then, with nothing happening in between to trigger a change I just spin into WTF I'm so screwed! I'm never getting out of this I might as well give up and let them do whatever they're going to do to me, cart me off, whatever.

Still new at this but I think this is mixed-state and rapid cycling.

deleted_user 11/12/2008

I feel your frustrations and share many of them, since I have gotten better there is a desperate desire to return to life 'business as usual'. Unfortunately life seems to work on it's own timetable and we need patience. It can be very tempting to throw in the towel and return to old habits as a defensive strategy but from past experience we know these do not work. I hope things get better for you and pray that you do not give up. :) Keep on, keeping on as they say. Cheers!

xBlissx 11/12/2008

Thanks, I guess I'm just really confused because my official dx of Bipolar was withdrawn by the Eating Disorder unit I go to. Plus I was never dx with mixed-state/rapid cycling either.

x-Bliss-x

Shelly4 11/12/2008

You could be ultra rapid cycling. I am sorry, I know how confused this can make you feel.

I know you feel like you want to give up and indulge. Please be patient, it will turn around. Hold on to your positive thoughts and the more you think them, the easier it will get to think them.

Honestly, the negative thoughts are the "fake" thoughts brought on by the chemical imbalance. The bipolar disorder would like you to believe you cant live life with any purpose. Bliss, you can make it through this sweetie.

Maybe a call to your doc would help. Hugs

deleted_user 11/12/2008

I'm the same way. I feel that I want to get my life back in order then I get discouraged and want to crawl back into my little miserable whole. It sucks and it makes me cry to be so pathetic

deleted_user 11/12/2008

I feel like I was reading one of my own journals... I do that to myself all the time, and it sucks. Are you on any meds?
*hugs*

deleted_user 11/12/2008

Wow...I thought I was reading my own journal. It sure is good to know I'm not alone. And neither are you. We CAN do this! We can get better! We just gotta believe in ourselves.

xBlissx 11/13/2008

I'm glad to know I'm not alone although it's not a nice thought to know other people go through this shit.

Courtyangel - Yes I'm on Fluoxetine but thanks to the ED unit they recently took me off of Lamotrigine and Mirtazapine because they dont believe I have Bipolar. Done me a lot of good hasn't it!!!

x-Bliss-x

deleted_user 11/13/2008

i wish i did know what normal was. well, maybe i had some sense of it this summer when i was doing better, but now with this paranoia i have i feel i have hit bottom again. i want to be a productive person, i want to laugh and smile, i want to not feel such unburdening fear. i do not want to go into the hospital, it is not the right place for me, it would just bring more fears and i am the only one here for the kidlet. i can't do it to dh because he would feel it was his fault and it is no ones fault, just my stupid head.

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