In about a month or less I'm moving in with my longtime friends.

We've discussed it, and I'm going to try working with my friend, to make money. Even though I'm not sure I can. l: I'm willing to try.

We (mum and I) spoke to the Social Security Administration about appealing my "no" decision, the man said that when all's said and done, it'll probably be 1-2 years before I see any benefits at all.

My needs are not being met here, mentally, emotionally, physically, or spiritually.

I haven't told my mum. She'd kick my ass because these particular friends have a bad reputation with her.

She/we are also moving into a lower-income apartment in this complex at the same time..........

I really wish I could just be honest with her so she doesn't sign a lease on a room I won't be in for very long. I feel like a piece of shit, but I really need a soft place to fall in case this ends up not working out.

(the reason for me keeping my mouth shut is that we can all "forget about it" if it doesn't work out, and I can go back home like I said I would.)

If she knows anything about this, my shit will be on the front lawn and she'll have the locks changed, because she does not agree with my friends' way of life, even though they/she are sober now, financially taken care of, and happy.

And as I've said.... my needs are far from being met, here.

(I do plan to wire money back home to cover the "rent" for the room I'm either staying in or not staying in, because I'm not just gonna be like "Seeya later sucka!" about it. l: I feel GENUINELY BAD about bailing, and I'm going to try to make it up the best I can.)

My mum thinks I'm ungrateful for her paying my "way" and giving me food and shelter, but, I am grateful.

Human needs go far beyond shelter and food though. Medical care and an environment that nurtures the brain and soul and provides moral support, intellectual stimulation, and opportunity for growth are essential.

It's not that my mum wouldn't give me all that and more, it's that she can't.

Right now I have a bladder infection that might be lapsing into a kidney infection. I'm taking leftover Cipro and Amoxicillin, trying to kill the infection at home myself instead of showing up at the ER where my crippled family and particularly myself get accused of doctor-shopping,

(when we're all fucking crippled. my mum and her sister are literally hunched over from spinal deformities and I've had chronic pain longer than 5 years.)

And if it doesn't work, oh well. I might have to go there, but if I do, I'm going to file a complaint against the doctor who was discriminatory against me last time. She told me "This ER is not for maintenance treatment anymore, the rules have changed."

ERs are never for that purpose. She must've thought I wasn't aware of how these things work...

MY POINT BEING, I/we can't afford medical care for me.

And dealing with the ABLEISM in the ER feels just like on-going emotional abuse. There's nothing you CAN do about it, other than buy better care for yourself.

It's like you're stuck in a video game, the game being life, and the only way to enjoy the game at all is to submit to the criminally expensive expansion pack prices.

I tried to call in something for my extreme fatigue from my PCP, the nurse said he wouldn't do anything until I came in for another visit. $60 is nothing when you have money, it's everything when you have nothing.

My mum threatens to have me committed to long-term treatment for months via court-order every day.

I can't stay here, and I'm excited that it isn't going to be much longer, but I feel bad that I can't be honest with anyone about where I'm going or what I intend to do.

Stigma! It's what keeps the sick and under-privileged from telling the whole story, because according to legal guidelines and/or cultural mores and folkways, there is no difference between a mountain and a molehill, because both are made up of dirt and filth.

But it doesn't matter. I'll be loved where I'm going, and I'll have money. I can go to the doctor if I'm cramping or seriously depressed. I can pay to have the privilege of being payed attention to and given real medicine by a real-life White Coat.~ (the price of being "just alright" is so ridiculous that I have to be ridiculous about it, too, ahaaa.)

I basically have this really stinky bad "Kiss my ass" attitude towards my family right now because I'm not willing to emotionally work through the "divide" with those who are ADMITTEDLY unwilling to try and understand why I do things the way I do.

It's not right. It's not righteous thinking or rightful interaction with one's own family, but for right now, for me, it's a necessity to be this way.

I don't see a reason to feel or be "just sad" over something that could so simply be resolved, but will turn into a long ordeal, because of the stubbornness of my mother.

Oh well.

Right now I'm putting a lot of stock and a lot of good faith into this whole plan repairing my mother and I's relationship.

She thinks it's ridiculous that I think money will solve all of our problems, but when you're impoverished and not even getting your basics, you learn real quick that it does solve all of your problems.

Once I'm away from her insane stubbornness and able to provide for myself, I think she'll lighten up.

And I think that I will too.

Being loved and not worrying about medical care is what I need right now. Not loved in a weirdly clingy way, as by an admirer or crush/crushee, but like...

I know my friends love me, and I love them. I can bare my soul to them, and not expect to get wounded.