Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
I feel like I'm going to scream. How many times through out my life am I going to have to "come to terms" with being bipolar?! I think I'm fine, that I can accept who and what I am, then every couple of years something happens and this stupid fucking illness slaps me in the face.
I was doing so well. I had made peace with being born this way and even taking joy in some of the positive sides of it. Then I turned 26. Because I'm unemployed I've been under my parents insurance, but turning 26 put an end to that. Now I'm almost out of meds, and I can't get more until I go and see my doctor. An appointment with her costs roughly $300 without insurance and that's not including the cost of my medication. I have maybe a dollar in silver change to my name.
Now I'm one of the lucky ones. My loved ones are willing, in fact they're insisting that they help me pay for this until I find a way to get health insurance. I'm grateful for their support, I know that there are plenty of people who don't have that, but that's not why I'm upset. That was just the trigger that stirred up old demons.
I'm upset because of the whole goddamn situation. I hate being at the mercy of two fucking pills every day. I hate that I need doctors approval just to stay sane. I hate that it costs me to want to live, that I can't make a single stupid plan without first having to consider how I'll get my meds that day. I hate that if I miss a dose I start to feel "wrong", that things start to look different and my hard won control over my thoughts and feelings starts to slip.
And most of all, I hate how everyone and their mothers feel the need to comfort me on the rare occasions when I voice my outrage by saying "I know" or "I understand how you feel". I want to scream at that "Fuck you!!! Bullshit you understand! Do you have a mental illness? Do you have to take pills so you don't go crazy and try to hurt yourself? Do you know what it's like to constantly fear that you'll end up back in hell just because you were unlucky enough to get bad genes? Keep your fucking sympathy and your understanding and shove it!"
But I can't say that. Wouldn't want to be rude or upsetting, now would I? Especially because that'll just make them think that I'm going off the deep end again and make them ask that never ending question "Are you taking your meds Bree?"
God, it's been 11 years since I found out that I'm bipolar and yet this rage never really goes away. Neither does the fear or sadness. You can hide it, suppress it, maybe even learn to accept it for awhile, but can you ever really be free from it?
I was doing so well. I had made peace with being born this way and even taking joy in some of the positive sides of it. Then I turned 26. Because I'm unemployed I've been under my parents insurance, but turning 26 put an end to that. Now I'm almost out of meds, and I can't get more until I go and see my doctor. An appointment with her costs roughly $300 without insurance and that's not including the cost of my medication. I have maybe a dollar in silver change to my name.
Now I'm one of the lucky ones. My loved ones are willing, in fact they're insisting that they help me pay for this until I find a way to get health insurance. I'm grateful for their support, I know that there are plenty of people who don't have that, but that's not why I'm upset. That was just the trigger that stirred up old demons.
I'm upset because of the whole goddamn situation. I hate being at the mercy of two fucking pills every day. I hate that I need doctors approval just to stay sane. I hate that it costs me to want to live, that I can't make a single stupid plan without first having to consider how I'll get my meds that day. I hate that if I miss a dose I start to feel "wrong", that things start to look different and my hard won control over my thoughts and feelings starts to slip.
And most of all, I hate how everyone and their mothers feel the need to comfort me on the rare occasions when I voice my outrage by saying "I know" or "I understand how you feel". I want to scream at that "Fuck you!!! Bullshit you understand! Do you have a mental illness? Do you have to take pills so you don't go crazy and try to hurt yourself? Do you know what it's like to constantly fear that you'll end up back in hell just because you were unlucky enough to get bad genes? Keep your fucking sympathy and your understanding and shove it!"
But I can't say that. Wouldn't want to be rude or upsetting, now would I? Especially because that'll just make them think that I'm going off the deep end again and make them ask that never ending question "Are you taking your meds Bree?"
God, it's been 11 years since I found out that I'm bipolar and yet this rage never really goes away. Neither does the fear or sadness. You can hide it, suppress it, maybe even learn to accept it for awhile, but can you ever really be free from it?
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
http://www.nami.org/Content/ContentGroups/Helpline1/Prescription_Drug_Patient_Assistance_Programs.htm
The motivation behind this was more or less a cyber scream. I feel like I'm caged inside a defective body and I guess I just wanted to be heard by people who get it. There is no way to change what already is, but sometimes you just need to say something, anything, to bleed of some of the rage. And whats the point of doing that where no one can hear? In my real life everyone I know just tells me to think about something else, which was making my head throb. Here at least people can say "I get it" and I know that they really do.
Hope you are feeling better and yes, the main board generates more responses usually. Take care. (((hugs)))
I do understand the cyber scream - for me, anything to Not Scream in someone faces LOL well, its always a better choice....
Vent away, hang out - read others threads and reply... I'm always trying to not let bad things take up so much place in my head - they are not fucking paying rent!
Wishing you relief, peace and comfort ASAP!
as for meds, I get them free or at a very low price through the companies and I go to a pdoc at the local clinic to write them. delivered to the clinic & I pick them up. lots of paperwork but worth it
Good to vent here - that way you might can miss a vent or two at home. (trust me, I'm 48 and living w/my parents!! and so I Like to vent here sometimes) :/