**trigger warnings for drugs and sex mentioned throughout*

This is a long story so Idk if anybody's going to actually read it, but it's different from my other posts in that they typically comprise of my internal monologue. These are true events that actually happened this weekend, so. Figured I'd mix it up a little! Plus I gotta vent somewhere away from people I know IRL (in real life).

This weekend was crazy. So crazy. But normally I'm a normal person, please don't think I'm some adventure connoisseur. I'm pretty boring usually.

I've changed my profile picture to protect my identity even though nothing I'm gonna say is like, shocking for a twenty-something to do.

Starting about Wednesday or Thursday, I was talking to my friend online who is basically a close associate of mine, I liked her, she didn't like me. So whatever, right? It is what it is. But she said she was in an open relationship, and that I could basically like.... see what was up with her boyfriend, y'know? If I were so inclined. We'll call her K. We'll call him D.

I started talking to D online. He kind of was disarming because he didn't speak much, a silent type. We arranged to hang out even though we're both really awkward. On Friday, alone, because meeting new people (I'd never met K up until this point) is overwhelming to me, so I wanted to meet just D, and then all of us could chill on Saturday.

So he came and picked me up, soon thereafter I arrive at his house (after an awkwardly long car ride). Everything in his room was Zelda. Seriously. Everything. His family seemed pretty well off, so he had like, an extreme amount of Zelda stuff, I mean it was everywhere. He even had a display case. Like a glass counter display case that you'd see at a head shop or a jewelry store.

I used to play games but unfortunately never picked up Zelda, so I wasn't sure what to talk about. We took some Jager shots, actually I just poured m'self a cup and drank up, even though it tasted like licorice and hand sanitizer.

To ease my anxiety of like..... everything new. Plus it's the end of the month, I was running out of pain meds quick. I figured the alcohol might.... nevermind, not important.

I stole his keys, to be playful. Hey, I was drunk. Drunk as a skunk and I didn't know anything about Zelda, so I was trying to break the ice. I guess.

And we wrestled around while he tried to retrieve them.

He didn't talk much, he only ever speaks a few words at a time. He seemed happy, though, maybe drunk. I dunno. He's kinda simple and hard to read.

He was like, "Well that's not very nice" with a slight smile. I put the keys down my pants, like, "You won't go there to get them", and he did...

You know what happened next. You already know. We made out. We had sex, even though it was painful because I haven't in a while. D can't have intercourse with K because she has a medical condition that prevents penetration. But he had sex with me. I thought they were in an "open relationship", I thought it was all cool and stuff.

She starts messaging him infuriated because she pretty much knew what just happened and apparently told him explicitly that that was very NOT okay. I get drunker and start crying, he drives me to her house so we can all recover and talk about what just happened.

I was just drunk and sobbing, she climbs into the car, sobbing, and tells me that he knew better, and used us both. I just hold her, hold her and cry. This was my first time ever seeing K, drunk, bawling, after having just torn her heart up unknowingly. I recall that even in my drunkenness I felt guilty.

We all go back to his house, I was kind of blacked out on the way back, I passed out, blacked out drunk in the car when we got there. Apparently I was out cold for a solid hour or so, during which they had a deep and meaningful discussion about boundaries and the state of their relationship.

I got over-heated in the car and woke up, I think D was standing there for some reason (maybe he woke me up, I'm not exactly sure), he took me back into the house.

(My memory's a little foggy here)

I went into the shed behind D's house to smoke dabs with K and her friend S, apparently D was exhausted and just wanted to sleep. So we smoked dabs in the shed, I thought it'd be incredibly strong, it wasn't really. I asked K specifically, "Okay so like what are the boundaries? What can I do and not do with D?" And she was like, "Oh, everything but P-in-V sex is perfectly fine. I just have an issue with that because it's something that we can't do." So I was like, alright, cool.

Keep in mind I was confused about my feelings and inclinations towards D because normally I'm super gay. So. I dunno. He's rail-thin and quiet with long hair, so i guess that had something to do with it, he seemed chill and was cute. He sort of speaks in this little mumble. But anyways.

I felt sleepy, so I asked if I could go back into the house, and K said that was fine, that her and S would continue smoking dabs in the shed for a while and then leave, I guess. I think they left shortly after.

So I go back into D's room. He had an MDA pill that I really wanted to take with him earlier, and we were contemplating it. So we finally said "Fuck it", split the pill, and each took half. MDA is known as "the love drug", it makes you want to cuddle people a lot and maybe do whoever you're with, from my understanding. Sort of like a more uppity, amphetamine-ish MDMA (ecstasy), I guess. (I'm not a pharmacologist or anything, yet.)

And I thought that was okay! Y'know? I thought K said so in the shed. I just snuggled up to D's warm, waifish body, laid my head on his chest, and we kissed a bit, waiting for the drug's legendary effects to take us on a happy little trip. We were both still a bit upset from the thing earlier, so we took each other's pain away and comforted one another.

He gets a text from K not long after, I read over his shoulder, in it she said, "Y'all better not do fucking ANYTHING",

At this point the MDA is starting to effect me and I get extremely upset and pretty aggressive too, she called him, I grabbed the phone like, "What the fuck? You said everything but sex was okay and I just took a drug that specifically puts you in a warm, affectionate, sensual mood. And now you're telling me that I cannot do anything with him at all??? Fine. I'll sit far away from him, on the couch." and she was half-crying, half-erratic, and fussed at me, "That pill was for us! I told you so in the shed! Don't you remember? And can't I just talk to *my own* boyfriend???" so I hand the phone back, crying on the sofa beside his bed, by myself.

And they spoke and I got the phone back somehow, and all I remember is that she said, "I'm coming over there RIGHT NOW."

I sat close by D without touching him in anyway, as close as possible without physical body contact. And we spoke a little bit. He told me that none of this was my fault, and that everything would be okay.

She arrived at D's house around 45 minutes later, stoned and calm now, which I didn't expect. I'd calmed down as well by now, the MDA's aggression was waning in liu of the entactogenic effect waxing, settling me into a more okay state of mind.

We (K and I) just sat on his sofa and played the Japanese version of Hey You, Pikachu while we giggled about stupid random shit.

I took some LSD but it didn't work on me at all. I even took a second dose, waited, and nothing.

The reason I took the LSD is because I wanted a better clarity and awareness of the situation than I felt I was competent enough to achieve on my own. I don't sometimes understand emotionally-charged situations very well.

Anyway.

We did other silly things and kind of ignored D's presence, because the thought of him made her kind of sick, I could tell, plus he was falling asleep by now anyways.

Her friend S from earlier who had also given her a lift back to D's place was helping a stabbing-victim homeless person on the side of the road (literally), so we had no ride, no way to leave. My friend Z who I'm going up to Greenville to live with on Tuesday was down here for a Defensive Driving class (lasts about 7-8 hours), so I asked him for a lift, and he said yea. He's cool as shit, most of my crazy adventures involve him somehow.

He arrives maybe an hour or so later. He didn't know we were so far out of the way, but was cool about it. Typical of him, he doesn't give a fuck ahahaaaa. K and I jump in Z's car, and one of us came up with the idea of a day trip to Greenville where Z lives (and me too! as of this upcoming Tuesday), and that he'd take us there after his class.

So me and K stayed at my house. Mostly we just ate, smoked pot, and slept. I awoke to a message of D begging me to answer my phone, and Z and K were standing there, he'd just gotten out of class and they were ready to go. I tried to wake myself.

D's car was outside. I guess he came to talk to K and try to mend their relationship. They talked for a bit and she came back inside, she seemed indifferent.

I went out to talk to him about why he was at my house, whilst K and Z smoked pot in my room.

He was kinda vague. "I just wanted to talk to K" he told me. Seemed kind of somber. He was holding a knife too, didn't strike me as weird at first because he's a knife collector.

I went inside for a moment to go to the bathroom, while in there, I had a sobering moment of "What the fuck is he gonna do with that knife...???" so I finished up quickly and ran back outside to see if his car was still there, and voila, it was.

Many thoughts were running through my mind, like, is he going to kill K or himself or?????

He reluctantly rolled down the window to talk to me. He had nothing to say. His arm was covered in minor self-inflicted cut wounds. His eyes were empty. I asked him why he hurt himself, and he was like, "I dunno." when I pressed further he told me that his depression manifests itself as emptiness, hollowness, rather than sadness.

I said, "Stay there," ran back inside real quick to tell K what he had done, and warn her that I was gonna bring him inside real quick and patch him up while we all decided what we should do with him, because he seemed unstable. I thought K would be kind of, Iunno, skeptical of all this, but she seemed actually horrified.

I washed off his arm, put hydrogen peroxide on the little cuts, and some lidocaine/antiseptic gel. From there on, I brought him into my room. K looked absolutely shocked, even though he had his usual apathetic expression and the cuts were kind of minor, honestly. Though I felt for the poor kid, too.

So she decided to go home with him- her bitterness seemingly absolved instantaneously when she realized how empty he felt without her. I guess, is what they were feeling at that time. Again, I'm bad at emotions.

And I didn't go back with Z because I was going into withdrawals by now and not up for hanging out, plus I'll be heading up there Tuesday anyhow.

(flashback to right before she got to his house the second time when we were both stoned/high) he went into the closet to retrieve something, he said, "This is in case I never see you again." and handed me a little Link figurine (Link's from Zelda, y'all, I'm sure some of you probably know). I remembered that I had my Gameboy SP buried in the bottom of my backpack, so I got it out to see if there was a cartridge in it, and there was. It was some Sonic game. I handed him the cartridge as a parting gift. I figured it'd blend in with all his other game stuff.

When K was in the bathroom while we were waiting for Z to arrive, he slipped me a note and told me not to read it while she's around. So I read it later in secrecy, it basically sounded like a love note. He told me he felt safe in my arms, and other stuff. Honestly, I felt the same, and I really hoped the note was sincere, even though it wasn't really right for him to give any of his love to me, even indirectly.

Well, he knows where I'm going to work, and in what town. If he means it enough, he'll stalk me while I'm at work, and a customer is a customer...... I kind of really hope he doesn't because I want K's happiness, joy, inner peace, and friendship more than anything in the whole world. She's the smartest and cutest friend I have, I think.

But in a sick, twisted way, I kind of hope that he does.

But I can never tell anyone. Hopefully my feelings for him that I don't quite understand will fade away before anything dangerous or regretful becomes of it. She told me he's extremely manipulative, so it's quite plausible he wasn't being sincere, but I have a gut feeling that he was.

I got a text from him later that day I think or the next basically saying that K doesn't want him talking to me, at all, and so he said goodbye to me, and that he'll always remember me. Blocked me on facebook. So I guess that's that.

She got her way, but that's okay because she's the real victim in all of this.

And now I'm in full-blown withdrawals. Ran out of my pills too early again, damnit. Oh well. Things will perk up tomorrow. I'm feeling less hellish now than I was about an hour ago, so that's something to be thankful for.