Could it be you are working yourself up over fear of what MIGHT happen? I'm pretty worried about how I'll handle the kids for Christmas break because in the past I have dropped the ball as well. But I think we need to concentrate on the thought that we are stronger than we were in the past.

On the other hand, if you really feel like you might be slipping into a depression maybe it's time to have a talk with the pdoc? Maybe there is some extra therapy or med change that can help get through your vacation time with your children.

(((hugs)))

well I have anxiety and stress over knowing that now is not the time to be losing it.

But my emotions aren't just from that alone. I felt a change with in the last 3 days. An emotional change. It could be hormone related not sure. I am expecting a period soon. I hope that's what it is. Still this is one of the worse impending doom feelings I've had to deal with in a long time.

I feel like giving up and hopeless. And it's not just the normal adult problems, I'm also feeling depressed about politics and how I think the future is doomed. Not just for me but even worse for my children. If I had known all this I think I would have got sterilized much sooner in life and avoided having children all together.

And I'm also worried about my health. Sleep meds are barely working at all. I feel tired and I can sleep but I have vivid dreams all night long and wake up from the slightest noises. And I don't feel refreshed or energized when I wake up. My sleep schedule is getting derailed far too far to be conducive to my children's needs. I have to be awake during the day to care for them and pay attention to them and sleep when they sleep so I'm not crazy the rest of the time.

That plus dealing with relatives which is always bad for my mental health. And my feelings for them has soured so much that I can barely stomach being around them. I have to watch every thing I say and feel like an evil evil, and incompetent bitch while still trying to keep the peace for the sake of my children. I"d like to make a clean break from them but all I can do is minimize my time I"m forced to spend with them.

Still something to worry over but not make me feel so depressed like this. All I want to do is climb into a dark place and hide from the world right now. But life isn't waiting for me to feel up to living it, and I have to much to lose by becoming ill right now.

You know once my kids reach adult hood safely it won't matter what happens to me. But until then I have to do every thing in my power to hold it together to be there for them.

But I'm really scared that, I will soon be powerless to stop illness from destroying me in front of them. And I always have to worry that my family is just waiting for me to get sick so they can get control over my kids' lives again. Like they didn't fuck up enough children now they need my children's blood too.

I'm not sure I feel any love for them any more. All I feel is emptiness and hatred when I think about them. And things are too complicated or I would just take my kids and move far away. And not forward my address to any one.

It's not like those bastards have ever once helped me at any time in my life now that I think about it.

I have no one to lean on. I have no true friends in real life. I can't trust any one any more. Every one I every put any faith into has let me down and destroyed me. Well I can't live like that any more.

I need some one I can trust not just people who are undependable, and screwed up them selves. I know very well, I've had to learn the hard way, if you want to get any thing you have to get it for your self because you can't depend on any one.

but what happens when you can't even care for your self any more? No one is looking out for me so if I get sick that might be the end. And I'm slowly getting worse I can feel it.

I probably would be suicidal right now if it wasn't for the fact that I can't die right now. I have something very important to do before I can die or get sick Cause for me that's almost the same as being dead any how. But what if nature forces me to fail again at my last and final task in life? Against my will!

I could have done a lot of things you know? If I hadn't gotten so ill. I had a lot of ability but this illness blocks any of it from being useful to any one.

I just want my kids to make it. I want them to break the evil of this family. I want them to escape what I couldn't. I don't want what happened to me to happen again to them. And I know that I am the only person who can see that it wont. I'm the only person who can stop an alcoholic destructive family from destroying yet another life.

But even I can't stop mental illness from interfering with my life. It must be the cruelest joke invented, as I am literally powerless to stop it. I know because I'm a control freak and I've tried my hardest.

So what else can I do now?

Sorry I don't know any good advice for you, but I just wanted you to know that I can SO relate to what you are saying... especially the family part. I guess the only thing I can think of trying is some positive affirmations with meditation. Tell yourself that you are safe, sane, nothing bad is going to happen, ect. Try not to allow yourself to concentrate on the negative thoughts. At least that is the strategy that helps me sometimes. Last time I tried it, it took me a few days of serious dedication to not thinking negatively and focusing on the positive affirmations... but then after a few days of it I actually did feel a lot better.

Meanwhile maybe therapy or even just posting here your thoughts and fears will help you get it out of your system so to speak.

(((hugs)))

Just wanted to add... I'm not saying your problems aren't bad... it's just easier to deal when you can find a brighter side. btw, have you been doing any art lately?

no I haven't done any of my many extensive hobbies. I've basically been busy over thanks giving with children and also I was struggling to keep clean after them.

Now I've been having non stop appointments and basically recooperating from all the pain I've been in. Throw in lots of sleep issues and that lead to today in a nut shell. All I did today was sleep in and play on the internet. And eat. Other wise I was basic did nothing. Not that I feel guilty I needed a break.

I just feel depressed since this morning. All this stuff has been bothering me for awhile I think but I've been to busy to sort it out.

I am starting to feel better though after having a cry about it. And I feel better having some one to talk to about it. In real life I have no one to talk to. An d I have extreme trust issues. So far I've learned that if you don't want your idiotic relatives to find out about your personal life so they can ridicule what they find wrong with it then don't talk about it ever at all with any one.

Well, you can talk to me anytime. I know it's not the same as a face to face friend, but I don't have any of those. My closest friend is my pen-pal from Spain. We've only shared a few letters so far.

I'm glad you are feeling a little better. I usually feel better after a good cry too.