Pagan, I don't know what kind of work you do but I'm sorry to hear you're struggling at the moment. I know I'm really limited in what work I can do and have had to adapt accordingly over the years. I do know that I need to focus on one task at a time and make a list each day. When I get overwhelmed I have to move to a more mindless kind of task for a while, usually cleaning projects.

It is very admirable that you are working despite what you have going on treatment wise. Don't feel bad about needing to take a break if you need to. Understanding our limitations is a big part of dealing with all this. Hugs and good thoughts your way!!

Pagan, I'm so sorry that ETC side effects are causing you so many problems. I wish I knew the right thing to say, but I'm never that person who knows just what to say. I can imagine how helpless and frustrated you might feel. I hope your doc has some ideas, my friend. (((hugs)))

Thanks guys for your comments and support. I truly appreciate it.

Big hug for you sweetie... When I was first diagnosed and trying to find stability I had to eventually take a leave from work... Otherwise it was as you've explained you're feeling

Once I was on a sick leave I could concentrate on getting the help that I needed and finding stability... It really made a difference

Another hug for you and a blessing...xo

I'm so sorry you are going through this right now! It sounds like hell. It's so difficult when you have depression because memory loss is a huge part of it. I even had to quit graduate school because of my illness. It was really terrible. Like you said, it's difficult to be in the work environment when you can't remember things. Know that this is common with depression, a very real symptom. Try not to quit your job, because like you said that will stress you out more. Maybe you need a more manageable job? I know that's a depressing statement but I myself realized that I cannot be a therapist with my own deteriorating mental state. I realized I needed to find something more manageable for me and what that is, I'm not quite sure. I hope you find what you're looking for!

Pagan, I am sorry you are struggling and feeling hopeless. I've been there.

I tried so many medications, until I found the "right" ones. Most of them made me worse. I really didn't think I would find anything that helped. Then, something "clicked." The medication helped, and I felt better, without side effects. For me, it was a combination of Seroquel and Zoloft. I had a high cholesterol result for the first time in my life. I knew it was the Seroquel, I did some research. I discussed it with my Pdoc and he reduced the dosage, it was still therapeutic, and my cholesterol went down.

I think the main effect of the Seroquel is that it makes me drowsy at bed time and I get a good night's sleep. Then I understood, after 40+ years of these mood swings, how my sleep patterns affect my moods. I observed that too much sleep triggered depression, and too little triggered hypomania. I try to keep a regular sleep schedule now, it helps, there are still mood swings, but they are manageable.

Also, in my DBSA group, I have observed that a lot of people start doing better as they get older. I don't know if the symptoms become less severe, or we learn better management strategies, or both. I'm sure that may not be the case for everybody, but I have seen it in several "older" people I know. I'm 56, and my symptoms started to get better instead of worse in my late 30s, gradually. In my early 30s, they were so severe I had narcolepsy and absence seizures. I couldn't work at all, and I was so hopeless I tried to commit suicide - but I am glad that I did not succeed.

Several months ago Social Security messed up, and sent a letter to the wrong address. My Medicaid was interrupted. I had enough Seroquel (and withdrawal from that is hell) but I ran out of Zoloft. And I felt better. I discussed it with my Pdoc, he said "You must take the Zoloft" so I put the bottles in my drawer. I also decided then to find a new Pdoc.

I was kicked off SSI Disability for making too much money. Now I pay for my own insurance, and it's better. My new PCP doctor told me stopping the Zoloft was the right thing to do. He says less medicine is better.

I wrote a journal entry today that I am proud of. It's about The Dimensions of Wellness & Conscious Recovery. I did not really get better until I made an effort to nurture all my Dimensions of Wellness. Maybe it will help you: http://www.dailystrength.org/people/1777378/journal

Oh pagan, my heart goes out to you. can you take a few days off just to rest and recuperate a little bit and take care of you? Do a little studying up on work stuff (i don't know what you do) which might make you more confident. eat well and rest well and give yourself time to recover from the courage and trauma it took to try the ect. it has obviously taken a lot out of you. have you any holiday time to take? you're such a good guy and there for other people. i hope you get to give some time to you now when you need it. big fat hugs.!!!

Hugs Pagan. I hope you are feeling better today.

I'm going to pray right now. God Bless you.

Heres hoping the side effects become more manageable for you.

Best wishes

Pagan so sorry to hear that you are feeling so badly...

((((( hugs))))) Does anything help? Exercise, visiting w friends?

I'm for what ever you need to do to take care of yourself!

Everyone has been so supportive and offered such kind words. I really need that these days. Thank you all so much.

Pagan, I am sorry you are going through this. I really hope someway, somehow you can re-find your balance with yourself and your mood.
I know it's a struggle. I just hope you can give yourself the hope and help that so often you give out too.
Peace to you,

Mark

Oh Pagan, I'm so sorry! Just when you think you've nipped something in the bud, there it is rearing its ugly head. I'm sorry the ECT treatments didn't last. How long are they supposed to last? I don't know much about it, but suffering I know all too well and I'm sad that you're suffering now. Be good to yourself - treat yourself to something little and sweet - a reminder that times are not always so bad! (((Hugs)))!

Just thinking of you. i hope things are getting better and brighter for you Pagan. I hope you're feeling better and more positive. I know it can't be easy struggling with memory and sadness, but I do know that things get better and I hope that for you that better is sooner than later.