I'm lost. I don't know if I will ever be able to come back. I've lost my will to love anyone. I feel blamed for everything. I have no one in my life that gives a rats ass about me. I have DS and consider you my family so to speak. I know there will always be someone home here in DS that I can go to. I wish I had that here with my mate.

Over the past 3 days I had so much terror. I end up with the images of setting myself on fire because I feel hideous. I pray for God to take me off and on but He let's me live through it. I had so much terror I think I blew a vein because it tasted like blood in my mouth a few times. I was writhing with the shakes for hours. I am exhausted but trying to come back to where I was.

I feel too much horror and embarassment to love anyone. Again I feel blamed for everything. I feel as though I can never ever love anyone again because I'm too afraid that I can't handle their baggage.. then their baggage turns into my baggage. I am tired of being walked on. Of being told things then laughed at. I think he wants me to die. I am so confused.

When I went to do my ordinary chorse I was covered with sweat. my heart was pounding so hard.

I don't know what I need here. I don't know if I ought to post but it feels good to talk about it. Maybe everything should be in a journal but then I only have myself wihtout any feedback. Maybe I need to feel connected or I'll die.

I feel like I need to let him go if that's what he wants... but then I'll be homeless because we're in a situation where I can't afford the bills on my own. When he was down, when we met, I helped him and took him in. I guess I have to let him feel like he wins the game.