I'm sharing this in order to complete the previous story about my daughter. I'm also sharing it because it may help someone to understand something in their life as well.

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Happy New Year Dan and congratulations on becoming a father. I thought I'd write to you instead of Mel. Just thought it might be better since she is well..........probable very angry and hurt. I really didn't want to hurt her last week, and I'm trying to understand why I get so angry and hurt and then act out. It's begun to come into focus and I want to share it with you in hopes that it will somehow help things.

When there is a dysfunctional family, that is, one with no compass to steer the ship, the siblings take on different roles. (John Bradshaw's books helped me understand the dynamics). Anyhow, I took on the role of the surrogate mother. I "parented" the others especially Janet and Rick who were 4 and 6 years younger than I. I soothed them when my mother would behave in some very scary ways. They would be crying and I would stroke their heads gently and tell them that it was going to be alright. But I was still a child and it was a heavy psychological burden. The seeds were being sown for a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). (I was actually first diagnosed with this in 1979. Bipolar wasn't mentioned until 10yrs ago, but I have all the classic signs of BPD, especially severe outbursts).

In my subconscious mind Melanie is Janet and Dave is Rick. There are many times when I'm upset that I refer to Melanie as Janet, (and of course Dave becomes Rick). When Janet grew up she began to turn on me and she pushed me out of her life. She didn't tell me she'd gotten married until after the fact. It seemed that she hated me. She had a great influence on Rick who up until then was fine with me. Then he too ostracized me by saying, "Elaine, you don't exist". These were harsh and traumatic rejections. The only thing that made sense of this irrational behavior was that since I was the surrogate mother they were acting out their anger (of being neglected) towards me. Over the years I learned to live with this profound sadness and loss, especially when they began having a family. There was nothing that I could do. I'd hoped Regina would intervene, but she didn't want to get in the middle. My parents had died and any chance that we would see one another on an occasion vanished. And then of course Rick passed. Of course I had been grieving for his loss (in my life) all along. This is such a sad story, but this is the environment that I had to shield Mel and Dave from- the hostility and pain. There was to much at stake! They would be well adjusted and not see the pain. I had plenty of time to cry when they were at their fathers'.

All of our weekends together were spent having fun. We traveled to other cities, went to museums and street festivals. There would always be something planned. Even simple things like going to the park, where they had their secret "home" by the creek, were the ways we spent our time together. I wanted to show them a larger world- one that they would not fear going out into when they grew up. I wanted them to be confident that they were individuals who deserved nothing less than respect. I introduced them to many people not as "my son/daughter", but by their names. And they were respectfully acknowledged by the other person.

When Mel became a teenager she was incredibly non-critical (as teenagers usually are). I considered myself very lucky. Then things began to change and she started to pick at things. Ok, I thought nervously, this is to be expected. When she said that I wasn't a normal mother I pleaded with her not to continue the legacy of Aunt Janet's rejection and estrangement. I tried to explain that I was not a conventional person and that I understood how this was different from other mothers. I suggested that she focus on our similarities instead of our differences. Something in me began to stir. It was fear. A sleeping giant was being awoken.

Whenever there was the slightest criticism I was triggered. "Janet" was doing it all over again. She was pushing me away. I wanted to stay in her life (Mel, that is), and at the same time I wanted to run as far away as I could. The feelings & thoughts of being rejected , once again, by my daughter were unbearable.

My feelings for Melanie are very clear when my logical mind is dominant. But, as you know, it is my emotional right brain that dominates how I process information. And it is severely compromised. The fight/flight response becomes so powerful and it easily overtakes any judgement that might be trying to make it's way into my mind. A rational thought is very easily ignored and denied expression. And the result? Acting out what I'd always wanted to say to Janet. I wanted to hurt her as much as she hurt me. It's a visceral feeling. The confusion is too much for me to process in a way that will stick. I've made a lot of progress with this personality disorder, but I'm only human and these dynamics were passed down to me from my parents- my mother was estranged from her sisters and always spoke poorly of them.

I don't mean to hurt Melanie and the consequences I pay are severe ones. When the mental fog lifts I realize what I've done. That's when I tell myself that maybe it's for the best if we are not in contact at all. Then, we could both get off this roller coaster ride and accept our fate. But, that is not what is in our heart of hearts. I do want to stay in her life, but I can only do so if we have regular contact, and I don't think that emailing is the way to go. I need to see her face and/or hear her voice every week. I think I might be able to manage my fears to a point where I can at least control my temper. I realize that she has lost trust in me as well and that she may be to angry & hurt to want to engage in this. But, we need to continue where we left off 15years ago, before the drama. Before she became Janet.

This dynamic can be compared to a disease. The symptoms are the verbal attacks, etc., but the root cause is that we are both victims of a painful and powerful legacy.

I hope that with these insights you can help Melanie to gain some understanding and help her decide how, or if, she wants to go forward.

Lastly, I owe her an apology for not acknowledging the news of the pregnancy. Please let her know that I am sorry, (although I do intend to tell her myself as well).

Much love,
Elaine