I was going to journal this but I'm putting it here because I really need some support and advice.

As some of you know ( and have been so supportive) I've been dealing with several different health issues at once the last few months. I had a hysterectomy in August,got diagnosed with P.O.T.S after a 4 day stay in the hospital in October,cervical spondylosis and bone spurs in my neck,thyroid issues,depression,anxiety.

I see my t doc once a week and my p doc as needed right now. I can't work,can't drive,and have good days and bad ones. More bad than good unfortunately. Anyway, I was at physical therapy for my neck last week and after he had massaged my neck, I was laying on the table and got dizzy. It's a feeling that's hard to explain. My mom took me to the ER and I thought they'd give me fluids and say I was dehydrated. Well they admitted me overnight because my heart rate was low (54) and my ekg was abnormal compared to my last one. I cried a lot in the hospital. I didn't feel good before physical therapy but I pushed myself to go.

I was released the next morning and thankfully already had an appointment scheduled with my new cardiologist who helps P.O.T.S patients. It took me 2 months to get into him. He spent an hour with me which I'm grateful for. He said he thinks I have part P.O.T.S and part neurocardiagenic (sp?). He also said my neck is a big part of the picture. He said he'll look at the whole picture. The first step with him is to do another stress test and then discuss meds that can help. He literally drew a picture of what was going on with my blood vessels.

I saw my t doc the next day and she reassured me about my visit with him and said well now you're getting some help. The thing is I can't stop obsessing about my health. I'm so scared of everything. I'm so scared of having another episode. I'm scared of meds. My discharge sheet says I have QT prolongation. The doctor in the hospital acted like it wasn't a big deal and both doctors assured me my heart is fine. I didn't take my trazodone last night even though my cardiologist assured me it was ok to take because I read online it causes QT prolongation. I only slept 2 hours. I also keep checking my heart rate and BP every hour.

I took off my estrogen patch yesterday because it makes me more anxious than I already am. I just feel so hopeless and lost. The new cardiologist said I can only try Elavil in a small dose so now I'm scared of that. I can't sleep without my trazodone so I'm going to try and take it again tonight. Oh how I wish I could fall asleep naturally.

I guest after my novel I'm really just asking for support,hugs and some advice. I need to be strong but it's so hard. I try so hard to focus on other things,movies,comedy tv, board games, puzzles,etc. Maybe I should go to my t doc twice a week right now. Is that even possible? I'm 43 and I have to rely on my boyfriend and mom all the time. I just don't know what to do to mentally get through all this. I've been going in the bathroom to cry so my boyfriend doesn't see me. I've been seeing my t doc every week for 4 months now and she's trying to help me accept all this but I just don't see it ever helping. I feel so hopeless. The depression and anxiety take over and I'm so afraid of not having any more fight in me.