I think what you are looking for is being assertive, ie not being passive but not being agressive.

That's hard when you are being insulted.

I think it would be helpful to understand the context. Is this at work, relatives..or who and where is this happening?

My relatives. Two specific in-laws, my dad, and my older brother. My former psychiatrist also called me delusional and crazy once so I walked out of his office and got a psychiatric nurse practitioner to prescribe and help me manage my medications.

difficult

I had a quick look at your profile, and it's pretty clear that your relatives aren't really in a position to cast stones. I get the feeling that their bullying is just another aspect of their dysfunctionaiity and you've got to wonder - where did that all come from?

We often react to things that we fear most in ourselves. Do you think it is possible that they have mental health challenges which has resulted in the alcoholism, drug addiction etc? That they are angry with you as you seem to have chosen a different path?

In short, I don't have any answer for you other than to make suggestions about why they are like this - and maybe if you realise it's them not you it takes some of the pain out of it?

I was picked on Mercilessly all through school. It didn't happen as much as when I became an adult. It is something. I still struggle with. Hugs.

I'm sorry that happens to you. It happens to me too. I was dating, early stages, when I told my date that I was bipolar. He said, are you an axe murderer? I never saw him again. It seems like when you start to trust someone and you tell them about your illness they leave and never come back. It's happened with girlfriends too. They just blow me off. I hate this illness.

I just want to thank everyone for sharing their experiences in this thread. I appreciate the honesty and I totally agree with you bbipolar...the illness sucks. And along with the illness we all have to deal with the stigma.

My therapist suggested positive self-talk to help me through stressful or confusing situations. I have come to realize, whether good or bad, I use visualizations to help me cope. Some of my visualizations and inner monologue are mean spirited or selfish but since I'm never going to tell anyone what I'm thinking I figure no harm no foul.

A brief example would be when I was talking to my brother while he was extremely intoxicated. He wasn't a danger to anyone. Wasn't going to drive. Wasn't around his kids at the time. So I listened and nodded politely. On the inside, I was saying to myself, "Keep on talkin' drunky drunk. I don't speak 'beer' but it's fun to hear you complain incoherently about nonexistent problems."

Things like that help me cope and focus on how I'm doing instead of how they're doing. Telling myself I'm having fun is good for me. My golden rule has become, "You can think it...just don't say it."

Like I said, for good or ill, this technique works for me. Boosts my confidence. Lets me pick my battles in an informed and calm way.

Huge hug for you Alan.... I agree that it will take practice to be comfortable being assertive.... At first it make feel weird and fake.... But faking it til you make it would be in your best interest if you want to stand up to it
Sometimes on the other hand it might be best to just walk away... My Father was often cruel to me so I know how hurtful it can be ... Another hug and a blessing...xo

Good for you re picking your battles... That's wisdom!!...x

Hi Alan~~

I like the way you used visualization with your loaded brother. That's a great technique.

If people are giving me business (or, more often, I assume they are thinking poorly about me), I always remember Eleanor Roosevelt's words "No one can make me feel inferior without my permission."

Name-calling can really sting. When I was little, my two older brothers used to call me dumb, fat and ugly -- ALL THE TIME. I wasn't any of those things then, and I'm not now either but it's tough to deal with when you're little. I believed them for much longer than I should have. I always wondered why my mom sat back and let them go after me but then one of her favorite statements to me was, "I outta knock a lung out of your backwards."

My brother called me Miss Piggy because of my weight.

SunCloud, you brought up walking away. That's been on my mind a lot lately. The last time I talked to my therapist I told her I feel trapped. After some discussion, we realized the 'trapped' feeling came from me being belittled and verbally assaulted by my dad when I was very young. I mean young as in 8, 9, 10 years old. I didn't have the option of walking away. He would actually follow me from room to room. Including following me into the bathroom because he didn't want to stop talking...he wanted to 'make his point'.

I'll keep in mind that walking away is an option. And I'll keep in mind that if people get verbally abusive when they are my guests, I can ask them...or tell them if necessary...to leave.

The question I dread is 'why?' I think that's going to be the next thing I talk about in therapy. My family smiles when I agree to do what they want. When I say 'no', they ask 'why not?' or 'are you sure?' or 'what's going on?'

I feel like I need to shut up and take it or get verbally aggressive with them. There has to be a middle of the road solution. I'm kind of stuck thinking I have to explain myself to them just to make them shut up.

I'm going to talk to my therapist about saying no and repeating my answer. Like when my wife's parents invited us to Thanksgiving and she told them we couldn't make it. After she talked to her mom, her dad called the next day and asked me why we couldn't make it. Then her mom called me the day after that to ask why we couldn't make it. Both times I said, "What was my answer the first time?" It worked like a charm. I had them repeating, "You said no, but..." I interrupted at the 'but' and politely ended the conversation.

Its great you were able to pick your battles.
I too was picked on in high school because of my Tourettes Case you're wondering I didn't do copralalia, involuntary swear words. Plus my eyes are different colors. Mostly I was called Alien as in outerspace
Verbally abusive relationship with a man who lived with me His goal was to completely destroy my self confidence. When he threatened me with violence that was it. When he left for the day I gathered his belongings. Put them in the front office and kicked him out. A man I briefly dated said I was DID so I wrote the 3 of us (personalities) hate you.

Sounds like your family doesn't respect you for being you. Always remember that it says a whole lot more about them than it does about you.

When a person is ugly to me, my first instinct is to respond with equal or greater ugliness. For some reason I think it's the only language they will understand. But, that's not MY language. There's no guarantee that if you treat people the way you wish to be treated they will reciprocate. I've learned that's ok -- I'm only responsible for my actions, my words, my thoughts -- so I'm going to put all my energy to making them pretty.

Thank you mugwort, BabyShelby, and TC40. I feel like less of an outcast. I love how inclusive the DS community is. You guys really 'get it'. It's been awhile since I've felt listened to and understood like this.

Along with the name calling, I had another issue. The joking. Maybe I'm going off topic but when mugwort talked about her self confidence being destroyed it reminded me of the cruel jokes my dad would tell me.

I'm having trouble getting to sleep tonight because I have this vivid memory of my dad 'joking' with me and telling me he had poisoned my food. I was like 9 years old. It was so odd to hear him say that. And it made me worry that he wanted to kill me. I mean, I was 9 and totally dependent on him. Well, him and my mom. I guess my point is that between the name calling and the joking, I was crushed. Self esteem. Self image. It was bad.

Thanks again to everyone for opening up and sharing. Oh, and thanks for letting me vent and get some good ideas of what topics to bring up in therapy.

Alan~~

You reminded me of how confusing my childhood was. As with you, there was just a lot of extremely harsh teasing but never any kind words, encouragement or reassurance to balance it out. I made sure to create a different atmosphere for my daughters.