I knew at 4 years old something was different with me. My mother rejected me. She was abusive in every form. Pulled on my ears to discipline me causing excruciating ear aches most of my childhood. My father rejected me. Told me he didn't care about me. He adored my two sisters and cousins more than me. 

So I started acting out in my childhood with these verbal rages, exhibiting depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, immaturity, and swinging moods. I became obsessed with my music collection and cars to point of being mean to others. I was crying out for help. My  parents didn't help me because they were the problem and just plain ignorant.

I grew into my teenage years getting worse. Nobody liked me in junior high and high school. I had no friends. The one cousin who was nice to me and liked me I was so mean to.  During my first year high school, I was being immature and told on my younger cousin for leaving the house without permission. His brother told him I told on him.  He asked me why did I tell on him. My rage kicked in and I stormed out of his house and walked 4 miles to my house.  I never stayed at his again afterschool. I never spoke to him when I saw him at school. I never spoke to him at Xmas. I never apologized to my cousin and his brother for doing what I did and for disrespecting my aunt by walking out of her house and for snapping at her in my 20s. She knew I was different and she didn't like me. That was 31 years ago. I am 46 now and my cousin is 43.

I am going home next week and I want to reach out to my cousins and apologize and explain why I was acting the way I did.  I don't know if they will be willing to meet me or listen to me even over the phone.  My aunt passed away in 2010. I attended her funeral and they were not happy to see me there.  I don't have my cousin's phone number. So I have to go through an older cousin who is like the family mediator to get his number. He really does not like me because I am gay. 

I really want to apologize to my cousins and ask for their forgiveness.  I am truly sorry for hurting them and disrespecting their mother.  I was really crying out for love and help. Now that I have a bipolar and social anxiety disorder diagnosis, I know why I was acting the way I was.  Kids in the 1980s just didn't get the help and support like kids get now when they are acting because of abuse and rejection.

How should I go about asking my cousins for forgiveness and explaining my story? I really want them to know I am so sorry for being mean to them and their mother.