My problem with meds is that they all give me really bad side effects--so I can't speak to that--but I will say that sex drive and the ability to think creatively and usefully seem like a pretty big part of the "big picture." Sounds like a legitimate concern.

Yes iv had meds do that to me, so i got off them, there are SO many meds out there, id do some research, see if there is something else out there. I mean your creativity is your life, whats bigger that that?

Good luck
HUGS
dee

I've been on Depakote for about 4 years

The blunt , zombified feelings are awful.

Loss of creativity , loss of motivation, loss of sexuality.

UUGH

It's just in the last few months , that I have been feeling better...and then my Pdoc thought my moods were too erratic, so he upped my Depakote .

Kinda back to feeling blunted and flat, but not as bad as before .

Good luck

Many BP meds have the "blunted" affect on us .

Trade off for stability ?

I have taken many meds then they stop working so I get switched to another med. I am worried that I will eventually run out of meds that will work with me.

For that reason I stick out certain meds like Depakote. My last veggie medication was Lithium. But many people here have been on Lithium for many, many years.

I have the same problem with my meds. Not able to function, emptiness, and complete loss of sex drive. Yeah they tell us to look at the bigger picture, but they have no idea what it's like. I guess what I'm saying is I understand your situation and I wish you well in getting things straightened out with your meds :) I'm currently working on that myself.

it's a big reason i am just a ghost.

I have had that on some of the meds over the years.

Talk to your Pdoc. Be open and honest with them. As others have said, there are a lot of meds out there. It can take some time to get the right ones. It took me quite a long time to get on the right one.

Also, look at all the other meds too to be informed. The best thing you can do for yourself with reguards to meds is to be informed about them. Like the old GI Joe thing, Now you know and knowing is half the battle, YO JOE!!!!!

I rarely bring this up as i don't want to upset anyone that might think I'm bashing the head med thing. Just like to throw my nickle in here as this thread is a stark reminder of why I have chosen to refuse meds.

I had all the blood tests done and all that showed was low vitamin D so I doubled up on that. I was DXed by a very reputable pdoc as stated on my profile page I felt it iffy from the start.

Was just in to see my gp today and after two requests and 4 months the pdoc has not sent in her reports. When she was done her dx...which took no more than an hour and a half of talking to me, I gave it to her straight, while I was at the lowest point in my life and asked my gp to set me an appointment with her...well she still hasn't forwarded her findings or recommendations. She did say that was all I would be seeing of her.

She did say that she would be recommending lithium and something else ( I wasn't familiar with the names) because of a smaller spectrum of choices as I take other medications for other ailments, and have one kidney.

Anyway I told my doctor I'm still uncomfortable taking this route and he's accepting that for now. I mean if I should have a psychotic episode then of course we could re evaluate the whole thing but I have never had one in my life.

Just because I have done impulsive things in the past and have stayed up for more than 48 hrs at least once in my life to me does not make a solid dx.

It is my understanding that to medicate a person's brain chemical balance when it is fact not unbalanced would/could do irreversible damage.

Just thought I'd share that I see, hear, learn and am doing my best to understand what I can from everyone here. I don't know how I can better express the gratitude and compassion I feel for those who struggle with this multi headed hydra we call bipolar.

Is there any hope of me remaining me if I were to begin the possible years to find this delicate balance of medication that would make me normal...do I really need to be managed that badly? I know, these are questions only I can decide as long as I am deemed of sound mind and body...well maybe my body has little to do with this. It's my mind I'm after looking out for.

As I was taught here on day one. We must be our own best advocates. I truly wish all many moments of peace and contentment enough to enjoy the things you wish to enjoy.

Thank you for listening and understanding...and thank you for sharing. I'm afraid to be a ghost...although I am not afraid of them at all...well there have been a few in my days that seemed quite agitated at times...I imagine being a ghost of your former self is a hell of it's own...they have reason to be ornery at times...mischievous is more my kinda ghost to be sure. ~smiles~

fdl

Wow what a great thread. Thank you everyone for your comments.

Yeah, X, I've struggled at times with meds silencing the enthusiasm in my life. I write less, I dream less about possibilities, and I imagine myself to be much smaller in personality stature than I likely am intrinsically.

The problem I find is, even being my own best advocate, it takes a while for me to figure out if it's the meds or something psychological, or just a plain old mood/funk. The last thing I want to do is call my pdoc every week looking for a tweak. Unfortunately, I tend to err at the other extreme and wait forever, trying everything, and bashing my brains out in frustration. While I am grateful to be on lithium monotherapy, I know that the nature of this illness is that is might require regular med adjustments. Regular.

Sounds nuts. But it seems to be coming true for me, even if the adjustment is just more or less of the same med.

Thx fdlstx for your post. I related to so much in it.

Thanks for saying so, wes. I'm glad you joined the discussion for you put into two sentences what I have, for these past four months, not been able to say more succinctly.

From the tower of Babel, I come to see DS as ( and that by no means a slight (google it ~smiles~) against DS as I am such a babelonian. I will tell my doctor exactly what it is I fear from your words.

" I've struggled at times with meds silencing the enthusiasm in my life. I write less, I dream less about possibilities, and I imagine myself to be much smaller in personality stature than I likely am intrinsically. "

That is my greatest fear and heightens my anxiety further. For which I have diazepam (not sure if that's what's referred to as a benzo here but I'm guessing it's a downer they're talking about).

I don't want to be "minimized". In my mind I want to maximize my potential and continue to grow as I get older to someone that has the confidence to enact my convictions with gravitas. If one is not growing then they are either in a dormant state of being, or they are dying. To me growth is the meaning of life.

Seeing as I have already quoted you in this post I would also like to quote another of our member's words today for anyone who may have missed them from another thread. At the bottom of her earthy, straight from the hip, call it like she see's it...she's none to shy about going for a three bank 8 ball in the side pocket...or afraid of the scratches that can happen when taking the hard ones...anyway without naming names I think many here will recognize by my words and the words I found at the bottom of that post was this golden nugget I carried all night for a perfect place to drop for someone else to pick up...again this is for all of us...always and in all ways.

"Growing pains, always beats being stuck suffering."

I'm often flat as well... I don't know what the answer is...
My meds work well for the BP symptoms but my enthusiasm for life has definitely been affected a lot...
I know without meds I'd be in a lot of trouble so that will never be an option I'd consider.. I'd stop sleeping immediately...
Perhaps talk to her again about it.. If the meds are basically working for you maybe the dosages could be decreased a little??

Well, to me, it kind of depends.

If you were REALLY, REALLY, REALLY horrible before -- totally out of it, engaging in extremely unwise behavior, if you were an actual danger to yourself and/or others, seriously suicidal, etc., etc., etc., then maybe how you are now IS better than that.

But only in comparison to before.

I would hope that you could get to a better place than you are now.
If I were in your position, I think I'd take Dee's advice and look into other possible drug combos that would not only keep you from being in too 'bad' a place but would land you in a better place than you are right now.

A long time ago, when I only had a diagnosis of anxiety, I was put on Paxil.
It killed all my feelings.
At first, I loved it!!! It was a relief not to be feeling the way that I had!!
But after about 3 months, feeling nothing felt worse than feeling bad had been, LOL!!!

Good luck!!!! I hope you can achieve better than what you've got right now!!!!

(((((Hugs)))))