Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
Hi all,
I did not read all the details of the latest ruling, cause I don't have the stomach for it right now. But here's my experience:
I was 21 weeks pregnant, when I started bleeding, with occasional cramping and contractions. The high risk doctor said I had a 10% chance of delivering before 26-7 weeks (50% of these babies die, of those that survive, 90% have severe disability). Her estimate was based on just my placenta previa (placenta implanted at the wrong place), the bleeding, cramps and contractions are in addition to that number.
My spiritual beliefs don't allow me to bring disabled children to the world, if that can be helped. My husband agrees. A friend offered to adopt the child if it's born disabled. My sense of right and wrong rebelled against that.
On top of it, I can't take care of a disabled child. Not because it's so hard, which it is, but also because I am not a sane. I think my bipolar made me very manic after my daughter was born. My brain was not with me. My body was not with me. Anxiety was unbearable. I was unable to work, in the office or at home. My husband doesn't deal well with it all, he became wild and abusive. I support the family (about 60-70-%), and I can't afford to go on disability because I'm insane. Poof! - goes our mortgage, food money, health insurance... If I had to stay at home and care for a child, it's possible I would have killed myself and the baby. My husband is even less stable. I don't say I would have done it, it's just possible. The main reason not to, would be my daughter who needs her mom.
She was the light that guided me, and made me more secure in our decision. I needed to be available for her. She was really suffering from my lack of attention, and I was still at home (not hospitalized for the bleeding), still with her every day. Nothing bad even happened yet. The day I started picking her up again (I was on doctor's orders not to), her fits calmed down. She was too young (15 months) to absorb the chaos that might have ensued, and we have no family to come and buffer it.
We terminated that pregnancy a day before 24 weeks (the legal limit in Illinois). It was the hardest thing I ever did. My due date was 4/27, this coming Friday. There are still times when I cry every day.
Now that it's been three and a half months since, I find myself wondering if that was really necessary. We tend to forget the bad stuff. But the second I start remembering the numbers, the odds, the bleeding, the ER visits, I KNOW that yes, it was necessary. It's the saddest thing ever, and yet, the option of continuing the pregnancy is still even more terrifying to me.
The termination itself was dangerous for me, I could have died (not very likely), or lost my uterus (scary), or need a transfusion (I don't want other people's germs), but I didn't care. Continuing the pregnancy would have been life-threatening too - I could bleed to death any moment if my placenta detached. This is very unlikely, but it happened to a friend of mine - she lost 3 quarts of blood in 45 minutes, (they saved her). But delivering too early was my biggest concern. I knew I could not live with the possible complications of that. I didn't want to end up in jail, or dead, or insane. I was close to insane as it was. I didn't want to put my daughter in danger from all that. She had noone else to take care of her. Both our families live overseas.
I escaped the complications of surgery itself, but I was sick with infections for a month afterwards, and ended up with a blood clot (two!) in my lungs. That is life-threatening in its own right, and can happen because of pregnancy. When my OB heard of that, she said "it's a terrible thing to say, but it's lucky you weren't pregnant when it happened". I didn't ask for details. I still don't have the strength to deal with it all.
So that's why I haven't really followed the news on the ruling. I suspect there will be some disregard for me as a person buried in there, and I don't know if I can deal with it. I was at the Miscarriage & Stillbirth support group here as DS, and was bood off with the most virulent hatred by the non-compassionate Christians. That was hard to deal with.
We are currently waiting for me to get off medication for my blood clot, to start trying again. This whole bipolar thing is just icing on the cake, just to drive it home even more pointedly that I was not meant to be a mother. (My first delivery was also life-threatening.) I don't agree with that, I reject it, and we'll see who wins.
I did not read all the details of the latest ruling, cause I don't have the stomach for it right now. But here's my experience:
I was 21 weeks pregnant, when I started bleeding, with occasional cramping and contractions. The high risk doctor said I had a 10% chance of delivering before 26-7 weeks (50% of these babies die, of those that survive, 90% have severe disability). Her estimate was based on just my placenta previa (placenta implanted at the wrong place), the bleeding, cramps and contractions are in addition to that number.
My spiritual beliefs don't allow me to bring disabled children to the world, if that can be helped. My husband agrees. A friend offered to adopt the child if it's born disabled. My sense of right and wrong rebelled against that.
On top of it, I can't take care of a disabled child. Not because it's so hard, which it is, but also because I am not a sane. I think my bipolar made me very manic after my daughter was born. My brain was not with me. My body was not with me. Anxiety was unbearable. I was unable to work, in the office or at home. My husband doesn't deal well with it all, he became wild and abusive. I support the family (about 60-70-%), and I can't afford to go on disability because I'm insane. Poof! - goes our mortgage, food money, health insurance... If I had to stay at home and care for a child, it's possible I would have killed myself and the baby. My husband is even less stable. I don't say I would have done it, it's just possible. The main reason not to, would be my daughter who needs her mom.
She was the light that guided me, and made me more secure in our decision. I needed to be available for her. She was really suffering from my lack of attention, and I was still at home (not hospitalized for the bleeding), still with her every day. Nothing bad even happened yet. The day I started picking her up again (I was on doctor's orders not to), her fits calmed down. She was too young (15 months) to absorb the chaos that might have ensued, and we have no family to come and buffer it.
We terminated that pregnancy a day before 24 weeks (the legal limit in Illinois). It was the hardest thing I ever did. My due date was 4/27, this coming Friday. There are still times when I cry every day.
Now that it's been three and a half months since, I find myself wondering if that was really necessary. We tend to forget the bad stuff. But the second I start remembering the numbers, the odds, the bleeding, the ER visits, I KNOW that yes, it was necessary. It's the saddest thing ever, and yet, the option of continuing the pregnancy is still even more terrifying to me.
The termination itself was dangerous for me, I could have died (not very likely), or lost my uterus (scary), or need a transfusion (I don't want other people's germs), but I didn't care. Continuing the pregnancy would have been life-threatening too - I could bleed to death any moment if my placenta detached. This is very unlikely, but it happened to a friend of mine - she lost 3 quarts of blood in 45 minutes, (they saved her). But delivering too early was my biggest concern. I knew I could not live with the possible complications of that. I didn't want to end up in jail, or dead, or insane. I was close to insane as it was. I didn't want to put my daughter in danger from all that. She had noone else to take care of her. Both our families live overseas.
I escaped the complications of surgery itself, but I was sick with infections for a month afterwards, and ended up with a blood clot (two!) in my lungs. That is life-threatening in its own right, and can happen because of pregnancy. When my OB heard of that, she said "it's a terrible thing to say, but it's lucky you weren't pregnant when it happened". I didn't ask for details. I still don't have the strength to deal with it all.
So that's why I haven't really followed the news on the ruling. I suspect there will be some disregard for me as a person buried in there, and I don't know if I can deal with it. I was at the Miscarriage & Stillbirth support group here as DS, and was bood off with the most virulent hatred by the non-compassionate Christians. That was hard to deal with.
We are currently waiting for me to get off medication for my blood clot, to start trying again. This whole bipolar thing is just icing on the cake, just to drive it home even more pointedly that I was not meant to be a mother. (My first delivery was also life-threatening.) I don't agree with that, I reject it, and we'll see who wins.
I am sorry that I did not make this a big point, but it was not central to the post. BP IS a disability for some. That is clear to me. But there are worse things out there. "Severe" disabilities mean inability to live on one's own, even when collecting SSDI.
I have told him that I can not allow my daughter to grow up watching dad yell at mom and throw stuff around the house. And I know abuse is progressive. So I'm watching that. He's been fine now for months, I'm just pissed because he hasn't apologized yet. That I think is the biggest red flag.
I managed to drag him into counseling, which seems to be pretty useless so far, but it's still an act of good will on his part. We'll see. Basically, next time this happens, either he moves out, or I'm filing for divorce. I hope it won't happen again.
I too wish you were there to hold my hand. I have one friend who did, she took a day off work to go to the hospital with me. Another friend called me from overseas to hear how I was doing, which she normally doesn't do. And that was it. The rest were mostly supportive, or at least understanding, but I think didn't really care that much. For them it was all over in a week or two. For me, it's been four months, and nowhere close to being over.