Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
Hi all,
I did not read all the details of the latest ruling, cause I don't have the stomach for it right now. But here's my experience:
I was 21 weeks pregnant, when I started bleeding, with occasional cramping and contractions. The high risk doctor said I had a 10% chance of delivering before 26-7 weeks (50% of these babies die, of those that survive, 90% have severe disability). Her estimate was based on just my placenta previa (placenta implanted at the wrong place), the bleeding, cramps and contractions are in addition to that number.
My spiritual beliefs don't allow me to bring disabled children to the world, if that can be helped. My husband agrees. A friend offered to adopt the child if it's born disabled. My sense of right and wrong rebelled against that.
On top of it, I can't take care of a disabled child. Not because it's so hard, which it is, but also because I am not a sane. I think my bipolar made me very manic after my daughter was born. My brain was not with me. My body was not with me. Anxiety was unbearable. I was unable to work, in the office or at home. My husband doesn't deal well with it all, he became wild and abusive. I support the family (about 60-70-%), and I can't afford to go on disability because I'm insane. Poof! - goes our mortgage, food money, health insurance... If I had to stay at home and care for a child, it's possible I would have killed myself and the baby. My husband is even less stable. I don't say I would have done it, it's just possible. The main reason not to, would be my daughter who needs her mom.
She was the light that guided me, and made me more secure in our decision. I needed to be available for her. She was really suffering from my lack of attention, and I was still at home (not hospitalized for the bleeding), still with her every day. Nothing bad even happened yet. The day I started picking her up again (I was on doctor's orders not to), her fits calmed down. She was too young (15 months) to absorb the chaos that might have ensued, and we have no family to come and buffer it.
We terminated that pregnancy a day before 24 weeks (the legal limit in Illinois). It was the hardest thing I ever did. My due date was 4/27, this coming Friday. There are still times when I cry every day.
Now that it's been three and a half months since, I find myself wondering if that was really necessary. We tend to forget the bad stuff. But the second I start remembering the numbers, the odds, the bleeding, the ER visits, I KNOW that yes, it was necessary. It's the saddest thing ever, and yet, the option of continuing the pregnancy is still even more terrifying to me.
The termination itself was dangerous for me, I could have died (not very likely), or lost my uterus (scary), or need a transfusion (I don't want other people's germs), but I didn't care. Continuing the pregnancy would have been life-threatening too - I could bleed to death any moment if my placenta detached. This is very unlikely, but it happened to a friend of mine - she lost 3 quarts of blood in 45 minutes, (they saved her). But delivering too early was my biggest concern. I knew I could not live with the possible complications of that. I didn't want to end up in jail, or dead, or insane. I was close to insane as it was. I didn't want to put my daughter in danger from all that. She had noone else to take care of her. Both our families live overseas.
I escaped the complications of surgery itself, but I was sick with infections for a month afterwards, and ended up with a blood clot (two!) in my lungs. That is life-threatening in its own right, and can happen because of pregnancy. When my OB heard of that, she said "it's a terrible thing to say, but it's lucky you weren't pregnant when it happened". I didn't ask for details. I still don't have the strength to deal with it all.
So that's why I haven't really followed the news on the ruling. I suspect there will be some disregard for me as a person buried in there, and I don't know if I can deal with it. I was at the Miscarriage & Stillbirth support group here as DS, and was bood off with the most virulent hatred by the non-compassionate Christians. That was hard to deal with.
We are currently waiting for me to get off medication for my blood clot, to start trying again. This whole bipolar thing is just icing on the cake, just to drive it home even more pointedly that I was not meant to be a mother. (My first delivery was also life-threatening.) I don't agree with that, I reject it, and we'll see who wins.
I did not read all the details of the latest ruling, cause I don't have the stomach for it right now. But here's my experience:
I was 21 weeks pregnant, when I started bleeding, with occasional cramping and contractions. The high risk doctor said I had a 10% chance of delivering before 26-7 weeks (50% of these babies die, of those that survive, 90% have severe disability). Her estimate was based on just my placenta previa (placenta implanted at the wrong place), the bleeding, cramps and contractions are in addition to that number.
My spiritual beliefs don't allow me to bring disabled children to the world, if that can be helped. My husband agrees. A friend offered to adopt the child if it's born disabled. My sense of right and wrong rebelled against that.
On top of it, I can't take care of a disabled child. Not because it's so hard, which it is, but also because I am not a sane. I think my bipolar made me very manic after my daughter was born. My brain was not with me. My body was not with me. Anxiety was unbearable. I was unable to work, in the office or at home. My husband doesn't deal well with it all, he became wild and abusive. I support the family (about 60-70-%), and I can't afford to go on disability because I'm insane. Poof! - goes our mortgage, food money, health insurance... If I had to stay at home and care for a child, it's possible I would have killed myself and the baby. My husband is even less stable. I don't say I would have done it, it's just possible. The main reason not to, would be my daughter who needs her mom.
She was the light that guided me, and made me more secure in our decision. I needed to be available for her. She was really suffering from my lack of attention, and I was still at home (not hospitalized for the bleeding), still with her every day. Nothing bad even happened yet. The day I started picking her up again (I was on doctor's orders not to), her fits calmed down. She was too young (15 months) to absorb the chaos that might have ensued, and we have no family to come and buffer it.
We terminated that pregnancy a day before 24 weeks (the legal limit in Illinois). It was the hardest thing I ever did. My due date was 4/27, this coming Friday. There are still times when I cry every day.
Now that it's been three and a half months since, I find myself wondering if that was really necessary. We tend to forget the bad stuff. But the second I start remembering the numbers, the odds, the bleeding, the ER visits, I KNOW that yes, it was necessary. It's the saddest thing ever, and yet, the option of continuing the pregnancy is still even more terrifying to me.
The termination itself was dangerous for me, I could have died (not very likely), or lost my uterus (scary), or need a transfusion (I don't want other people's germs), but I didn't care. Continuing the pregnancy would have been life-threatening too - I could bleed to death any moment if my placenta detached. This is very unlikely, but it happened to a friend of mine - she lost 3 quarts of blood in 45 minutes, (they saved her). But delivering too early was my biggest concern. I knew I could not live with the possible complications of that. I didn't want to end up in jail, or dead, or insane. I was close to insane as it was. I didn't want to put my daughter in danger from all that. She had noone else to take care of her. Both our families live overseas.
I escaped the complications of surgery itself, but I was sick with infections for a month afterwards, and ended up with a blood clot (two!) in my lungs. That is life-threatening in its own right, and can happen because of pregnancy. When my OB heard of that, she said "it's a terrible thing to say, but it's lucky you weren't pregnant when it happened". I didn't ask for details. I still don't have the strength to deal with it all.
So that's why I haven't really followed the news on the ruling. I suspect there will be some disregard for me as a person buried in there, and I don't know if I can deal with it. I was at the Miscarriage & Stillbirth support group here as DS, and was bood off with the most virulent hatred by the non-compassionate Christians. That was hard to deal with.
We are currently waiting for me to get off medication for my blood clot, to start trying again. This whole bipolar thing is just icing on the cake, just to drive it home even more pointedly that I was not meant to be a mother. (My first delivery was also life-threatening.) I don't agree with that, I reject it, and we'll see who wins.
I am terrified that I could have been forced to carry that pregnancy and possibly see my life turn into a never-ending inescapable nightmare - a risk I cannot take because I am not capable of dealing with it. The only escape from that is suicide, and why put my daughter through that? And who takes care of the disabled child then? Or should I kill him too? How's that better then, from having an abortion to begin with?
It was only a possibility, but I am still petrified of it. I am physically petrified of the closeness of the call. I know a lot of people who do, and some who do not understand.
While I abhor abortion in general, and abortion as an extended means of contraception in particular, this was obviously not the case for you. Even if you had an abortion out of "conveinence", attacking you isn't exactly going to bring about the results we in the pro-life community seek.
I might recommend you get some counseling to help deal with your emotions over what was a terrible predicament you were faced with.
But, I am confused by something. You say, "My spiritual beliefs don't allow me to bring disabled children to the world, if that can be helped. My husband agrees" but then you say "We are currently waiting for me to get off medication for my blood clot, to start trying again"
You talk about you having bipolar disorder and you speak of your husband "becoming wild and abusive". I don't know if he has a dx or not but are you aware that if one parent has bipolar disorder there is a 27% chance that a child will develope it and if both parents have it, the chances increase to 74%.
Normally, I just feel like, hey have the baby and just be very aware and get the best medical attention as early as you can if you see any problems.
But I point this out only because you make such a point of not wanting "disabled children".
Perhaps I'm just sensitive, I am the parent of a "disabled child" and I believe God gave him to me for many reasons.
Good luck to you.
I did think a lot about me and my hubby being arguably bipolar. We still have another year before we can start trying again, and adoption is always an option. However, my bipolar has not (yet) been disabling for either one of us. Treatment will advance by the time our kids need it. We already had one kid before this became an issue, so the precedent is set... Most importantly, growing up, I've had trauma of every kind, from beatings to rape to war, and my children will not. That's gotta help their genes from being expressed in full swing.
I understand where you're coming from, and I don't view all disabilities the same. Still, I think there are enough disabled children that need our love and care, already here on Earth. I would much rather adopt a disabled child than bear one, and I'm not adopting one because I don't feel able to care for one. I have been sending money to a residential school here in Illinois for about a decade. I say let's take care of the disabled kids already alive, before we chose knowingly to bring more to the world. Again, it is a personal decision, and I would never dream of forbidding someone to do that, even though I disagree.
My three kids and my husband are the most important things in the entire world to me. I can not imagine life without any of them. Every one of them is totally different, unique in so very many ways, special in so many ways. They are all grown, The girls are 23, and my son is 20.
He is my "hero" He is the one with bipolar disorder who was symptomatic since about 2 but dx at 7. He's had a total of 20 hospital/crisis placements and 2 residential treatment placements. For those of us who started with bipolar in late teens or as adults, believe me, we don't even have a clue the torment that happens with these kids with pediatric onset bipolar disorder. It is a brutal disease on the child and everyone around him/her.
My son is home and doing quite well. He graduated high school with a 92.3 GPA! He went on to a tech school in an electricity program, is out on a medical leave now, but is going back in September. He has seen the depths of hell and has always returned. He is my inspiration.
I was dx with Bipolar 7 years AFTER he was and HE is the reason I made it to where I am today. If he can do it....so can I.
Just wanted to share with you why I feel so strongly.
I first had depression at 6, so I also have childhood onset, with some symptoms showing up earlier, but I am BP II (I think), so not as bad. My heart really aches for your son. I hope his treatment keeps working for him.
My bipolar was not the reason to abort. I took a load of risks the day I decided to get pregnant. But it's really different when you're told your risk to you, to baby, and to the rest of your family, has just increased many thousands of times, and - yes, there IS something you can do about it.
It's just different. It's really hard for any of you to imagine where I've been. I was offering my story as a window into that different. I hope you look through. I look through what's offered me.
The only thing that concerns me is the fact that you say BP is not a disablity. It has been for me. I will return to work in another month and I am working very hard in therapy to get back to work. But for some people, depending on the severity of their BP, it is a disablity. They cant keep a job cause who want some who has to go on med leave once a year or couple of years or even a couple of times a year.
My other concern is for you and your daughter. You said "My husband doesn't deal well with it all, he became wild and abusive." I dont know if he has BP or if he has gotton help since then, but once an abuser always an abuser. I grew up with one, I was engaged to one. It is not a good world to live in or expose your daughter or any unborn children too.
I hope I didnt offend you. I can see your point of view, but I live a different life and only you can truely know what is best for you and your family.
On a side note. I just got diagnosed. I have no children. MHA you said 27% chance of bp. That scares me.
cb72 -- Just one last point -- I am unfortunately disabled by bipolar. I have finally fought and struggled my way back up, and finally am able to work 10 hours a week, but yes, I do collect SSDI -- as do many of us on this site. And, unfortunately, My son, while bouncing around to those 20 hospitals that I spoke of and being in those two residential treatment programs -- one for 14 months and one for 22 months was because he was a very sick and disabled child and when he was home he was in special education, and yes he is collecting social security disability, and yes, although he desperately wants to go to school he is on medical leave because of... you guessed it....a bipolar episode. So please.... don't tell me that bipolar is not a disabling condition. Sorry, but until you've lived it with a child you love and you can't do anything for him..... please don't tell me it's not a big deal... Thank you.