I get what you are saying, wiccan. But I've been on meds for so long I don't even remember what the old me used to be like. Well, depressed for one thing. I don't even think I'm bipolar. I think I have unipolar depression that has been misdiagnosed.

Yes, there are things to miss about the manic side of life. The unbridled passion and feelings of super human invincibility are quite something. Worth the price of burn out and depression.

Parenting was/is my number one motivator for getting with a program and seeking the more solid ground between the extremes. As a proud bipolar I was making a wreak of their lives and finally started looking at the impact my condition has on the world around me.

Still... There are those nostalgic moments...

Good thing for me that Interpol wasn't fully computerized in the 70s...

I don't know your med regimen but for me it was the right meds that brought me out of the fog and into the light.

Meds I'm on right now, Triliptal 300mg 2x a day, Ability 15 mg, and klonapine 1 mg 2x a day.

From one super human speedster to another - I felt the same way about my meds. But if you are on the right ones, some/most of the side effects go away. You will begin to feel more like yourself.

Use the Klonopin as a prn, as you need it. If I take them regularly those are the ones that dingify me. On the other hand if I feel myself getting anxious, I'll take one in a hurry.

Also, you are physically ill. That is going to dim you down depending on how sick you are. Be sure to replace the fluids you lose when you are sick. Dehydration will slow you down, too.

You are on the right track. Use that hyper vigilance to advocate for yourself.

When I am "normaal" I can't understand that I am "sick". I look back at the 70-80's when I wasted my life ( didn't go to college made minimum wage, scuffled by made a lot of bad choices-was manic mst of the time had a great tie just didn't know I wasn't doing a game plan for llife) and then the 90 when I didn't take meds but was more grounded.
I am onmeds now but am with you. 90% less creative, can't read, overweight, (not that you are), I have wisdon and a voice but alot of the time it just isnt enough.

The one part of the post that sticks out to me W is the 'super human speed'...smile
Meds do change us there's no doubt about it..I felt terrible before I started them though so I guess that made it easier not to resist..
I was in a mixed state at that time and I felt the meds saved me..
I guess a lot of it comes down to what our own experience has been
I'm so glad you're sticking it out though until your treatment is finished sweetie..xo

I can really relate to this post. For me it was the anti-psychotic that suppressed my abilities to feel, think and respond so I chose not to take it. Having made that choice, I now have to deal with periodic episodes of psychosis. For me, it's worth feeling like myself in between episodes.

I'm now only taking something to alleviate the depression (Cymbalta) and keep me on an even keel (Trileptal) so I don't go too high up. Most of all I have to sleep so I take Ambien for that as well.

I really get what you are saying. I guess it's ultimately your decision what parts of this disorder you want to control.

I suppose if a small mania can be controlled, then it lends itself to good spells, good painting, good sculpture and all that stuff, you just have to watch driving or drinking or staying awake three days in a row-that sort of thing.


I would love--more than anything to say that it's all about mind over matter and that just good nutrition does it--but I can't.-I HAVE TO HAVE MY MEDICINE or I cannot function or even concentrate.

There is a movement, as I have said, of survivors who do well by themselves and they are all about organics and excersise and civil liberties and I love them and adore them and I think that they are magical and beautiful and special and I on occaision visit them online, but I cannot go where they go and I cannot do what they do.



I often compare myself to a character in a horrid sci-fi book called "Celestis" where a group of aborigionals are on a dying world conquered by humans (it's a very sick novel but it gets to the core of what oppression is). Anyway, amongst the aboriginal "noblility" there is a girl (most ironically called "Katharine)" who has been surgically altered and given meds so that she can "behave like a human." Don't read the book--it's horrid, but just remember that part of it---that you have to work to be free--you can take the meds if you need to but don't allow society to swallow you up and make you conform to the point to where you aren't yourself--



Anyway, these are my two cents.

Rock on Wolf, rock on

4My