I lost alot of myself with meds too

Hmm I'm on lithium too... I wonder if that's it. My doctor says my lithium levels are right where they should be to be at a therapeutic level..... Maybe I just need to get a little crazier and take a little less lithium? I don't know, but it sucks to have all that fire snuffed out.

Man that's sucks!!

I'm very bitter at all I've lost. My ability to sing, to draw, to write. And I lost it even before I was diagnosed and treated, so it was not due to the meds.
For me, there was no major episode of any kind. Bipolar just quietly sneaked in and robbed me of all the things I loved and left me with a lack of talent and capability. In it's place, I am left with mental problems to grapple with, and not very successfully at that.

I'm so sorry that you lost things you love about yourself. I wonder how that happened really.

I think for me I have to A: push myself to do art anyway and as much as I can and B: maybe talk to the doc about my lithium and what not.

I agree. It's hard to cope with mental problems, we may have different ones and maybe some similar... But yeah sometimes I feel like I'm doing a terrible job. I just wish I was better, like I'm never good enough...

Anyway me going on about off topic boring stuff...

Just saying I hear ya

Well, I was really into art too. And I gave it up and I don't know why. I drew really well. I painted and did pastels as well. I used to be good at sports, now I am too fat and out of shape. The last time I played tennis, I was pregnant with my daughter and that was 12 years ago.
I am still able to write sometimes. I mainly write poetry. Its all on my journal. OH well

This is a good topic. Every manic episode and depressive episode I have had has left me different in a way.
I was 3rd in my class, got a Masters Degree from Columbia University and then finally landed a great consulting job, only to have it ripped away from me because I had a manic episode.
I think after having 4 episodes in my life I am changed, the trauma of losing things and people and plus the medications have left me in a state of actually not caring anymore. It's hard to build yourself back up again and again until finally you loose all your passion to be great. That's what I have lost my passion and will to be intelligent and accomplish something. It's just so hard.
I had manic episode in March and am still in recovery but don't know if Ill ever be the same, at least not personality isn't.
You aren't alone; I wish you the best.

Yeah that really sucks. Maybe you could get back into it if you tried. I just can't give up on art though... I've been making art my whole life, it's a part of who I am, ya know?

Wow Bpaaron, thanks for relating! Damn... It's a crazy thing this illness. But I can't help it, I say there's always hope.

Life is precious, ya know?

grenadine,
Thanks for your comment. Yes, there is always hope. It's just hard to keep bringing yourself back from these episodes.
Now, I am back home applying for jobs and trying to get better.
I really have lost touch with my friends and don't go out too much.
That's great that you still have a passion for art; keep feeding your passion. Without passion for something life is empty.
This is a pretty good support site isn't it?
Good posts here.

Life is precious, but's it hard when you know that your dreams and hopes were realities and now they might not be.
I was just always a hard worker and had hope.

I just have lost hope this time. It's not even the medications. It's just that Ive been thru it one time to many.
Not sure what Im going to do. I have thoughts of ending it someway. It's terrible.
I hope you are doing well on this Saturday night.

Not to take away from the subject, but I think stable, regular people go through this, too. My parents were comedians... My father was a welder (jewelry but trained in dentisty)... My mother was an artist in many ways but since finding her woman she's not produced a thing in years. She got a degree in graphic design but realized she's not using her new knowledge for her self, it's going to just turn into another job.

I do think the bi polar can zap away huge chunks of good brains, though, if that makes any sense. I've heard that bipolar brains do show deterioration over time, so ... makes sense, right? If that's even proven fact 'cause I've never bothered to read into it.

But Lithium I can guarantee messes with it all. I went from reading four books a month to reading four books a year. I was on the peach pills, uuuhhmmm... 300 mg each? I think? 5 a day. At 16 and weighed maybe 105lb... After a year of being glued to the couch with not much ability passed pissing, shitting and smoking cigarettes... I decided to go down to as little as I could. So with my dad's supervision and I think an okay from a doctor (don't really remember now), I took myself down to two over a period of probably three months. Then I punched myself in the face repeatedly. That's when I decided to just stick with three, and that worked out WONDERFULLY for the rest of the time I was on it.

Levels count, yes, but your personal affects matter, too. Please, keep in mind I'm not suggesting you to step down, just letting you know my own story.

oh yea, what you described is me..I had a bad episode when i came off my meds...cold turkey...whew the manic was over the top...i actually gave everything away...and was sooo sick...my personality will never be the same...i believe i was psycotic also....oh i lost something in that episode...i only wish for a piece of what i was before....i cant even paint a wall anymore..

I know what you mean Bpaaron, I hate it how I genuinely don't care abouty subjects at school and whatnot.... I feel like I'm not even alive in a way.... But hang in there, it made me upset to read that you think about ending it. I know it happens and especially with people with bipolar disorder... But just remember the good moments and what that feels like. It's worth it to stick around.