So I work with mentally disabled individuals. Today one of my residents died. We just had one pass away a couple months ago too. Anyway yesterday I was helping throw a party for them and Greg wasn't looking like he was feeling good after the party we got told to take him to the ER. This man had never been affectionate to me almost ever. He wasn't someone who would hug people or hold their hand. Shoot I can't even count how many times he's swatted me away or hit me while trying to help him. He was still one of my favorite residents. When we got to the ER he kept grabbing me and grabbing me. We had to hold him down while the nurses worked on him. I thought he was trying to fight us but he grabbed me and pulled me into a hug. He then held my hand so tight that he scratched a big abrasion in my finger and wouldn't let go. They put him on Bipap and I watched him vomit blood and aspirate it. It was not even close to the grossest or terrible thing I've seen but man... it was so rough seeing him like that. They had to intubate him and asked us to leave the room. He got moved to ICU and it took two hours to stabilize him up there before we could see him. When I saw him hooked up to all those drips I knew he wasn't going to make it. I gave him a few hugs and said my goodbyes. Then when I got the text today that he passed I was surprised but grateful he wasn't hurting anymore now I got home from work and have been trying to fall asleep but I can't because I know my body wants to feel all the feelings but I don't want to. I'm starting to want to not feel anymore again. Life is so hurtful and hard and full of bad feelings. I want to just take drugs and not feel anything. I probably won't because I know why I feel this way and I know it won't help but I really want to and I don't even know anymore.