Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
I live alone. That fact is fuel for my depression. Yet I can't find/form relationships because I am depressed most of the time. I need to live with some one who loves and cares for me. But I have great difficulty meeting new people because of my illness. It's a catch 22 that sometimes sends me so deep into depression I pray each night that I won't wake up the next day. And each day when I awake to the same loneliness I can barely get out of bed. I have a few close friends who care and help all they can - BUT, they can't be what I really need. I need some one living with me who loves and cares about me. I have said it so many times it makes me cry to keep saying it - but it's true. And as my friends have pointed out - what I need is the absolutely most difficult thing to get in life. I can't buy it. I can't bargain for it or beg for it or earn it or build it. It can only be found by luck. And I have not been lucky enough to find a person who will live with me and love and care for me. Not finding what I need does not make me need it any less. Each day that passes I need it even more. Medication does not replace what I really need. My medication simply stabilizes my moods and makes it more difficult for me to cry. Each day that passes is one more day that I went without what I really need. One more day I'll never get back. And at age 49 I know that I've spent 2/3 of my life without what I need. I hate life.
tommymott
Maybe life is giving you what you need. I used to be terrified about being alone but two marriages to women who did not love or care for me helped me see that being alone was fine. Depression is no fun but we can work on that. Every day that goes by is a das that we'll never get back so it's important to live each day as best we can, in whatever situation we find ourselves in. Try to come to an understanding of what life is and isn't. Life doesn't care if we hate it or love it. Life just keeps throwing one more day at us for us to do with as we see fit. There's no reason why we can't have what we want but we need to be willing to work at it, too.
heretic
You are right about being willing to work at getting what I want and need. Sometimes I feel at a loss as to how to go about that. And I understand being in bad relationships can be worse than not having one at all. As for understanding what life is and what it isn't - that is beyond me right now. I just know the longing I have inside. I know that things are better when I have some one to talk to, thanks for your response.
deleted_user
I understand you totally. Ive never been able to find someone who loved me enough to stay around either and its exactly what I need. And after going through it enough it crushes you to the point where you are scared to even like someone again. Especially when you fall in love with the person you know was the one for you and they bail because they couldnt handle it. The defensiveness which ended up making them cry numerous times. You relive seeing them cry numerous time and it crushes you because you regret it. Its a lot to ask for someone to deal with your disease, but then again we didnt ask to be this way and would change it if we could. Its horrible and extremely unfair
heretic
That's happened to me too, it feels like there is no hope - like I can't ever hope to make any relationship work, even if I could find some one who WANTED to understand, it would just turn out bad. It's the main thing that fuels my depression. Thank you for writing, it does help to know there are others who understand, even though I'm sad for us both.
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