I think there is a "Friends and Families of people with Bipolar Disorder" somewhere on DS. You might want to put this there.

I will say, this denial that your husband is in, not taking meds and showing it in any way, is pretty typical when people go med free. (Some people can get off, I know, I have done it for years, but I have the insight to know when I am slipping, and go back on meds!)

My suggestion is for you to download a mood chart, and give him a journal to keep. Beg him to do it for you. If he charts it, he may see the up and down pattern, and realize that he does need help. I know a mood chart is what helped me the most in dealing with bipolar disorder, both in being "normal" and getting off meds, but also in seeing it right there on paper, or in a journal, that I was not stable. I guess he has no pdoc (psychiatrist) if he is refusing meds?

Further, you said you had the "normal" him for a week. As long as he stays off meds, the depressed and the high aspects of him are part of his "normal." He simply is not seeing himself accurately. Hypomania does that. You feel so good, the world is your oyster, and you don't see that you are not objective, and not the "normal" everyone else would love you to be. Hypomania is a free drug trip. Who wants to give up feeling so great, and not even having to buy illegal drugs? The trouble is, it will catch up with him, as you know so well.

One last suggestion is to get Julie Fast's book "Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder." That helped my husband enormously, and the suggestions and helpful hints were what got me started in dealing with bipolar disorder, and understanding how to treat it in concert with meds, plus what I looked like to other people.

Thank you. I am a member in the friends/fam group. They are not very active and go weeks without new posts and replies. He has tried journaling and that usually goes less than a month at a time. He's been in patient 3 times I think over the years. The issue now is he lives in motels when he's working and not real close with co workers. Its construction and come from all over. And sees his family in short enough sessions that he can make things seem fine. Except for his dad who aside from the avoidance is retired and on the in bed by 7 up at 3 schedule. There's a lot of hours they don't interact.
We have been together 15 years on and off and I know the signs, symptoms, and things I should be doing. Its just hard with the knowing and not able to do anything. He thinks pdoc just pushes meds at him. Therapist would at least be a start which was a goal until all this depressed hopless talk a week ago. And now nothing.
I know the high and low are his normal, but I felt we had a middle there for a bit. Until the high. And then the low.

I'm not going to be the popular one in this post. If your husband is not taking his meds, not going to regular Therapy, not in an environment where management of his BiPolar Disorder is given.....he won't ever get to a point where he can be a stable person ready to tackle putting a marriage back together, and he may not be safe to be around the children. Unmedicated/managed BiPolars can have very Angry/Destructive outbursts out of the blue for no reason, as I'm sure you've witnessed, you can't have children around that.

As a person whose the opposite of you, I've been BiPolar for 27 years, I've managed it for 27 years, always on meds, always with Therapy of one type or another. I was married for 24 years and raised 2 incredible sons, 26 & 18. I had to work damn hard to keep my stability so that I didn't hurt my family. I'm a "high functioning" BiPolar, I carry multiple College Degrees in Computer Science, Accounting and a Ph.d in Clinical Psychology, I also am a Certified Paralegal in Texas. I was the breadwinner in my family, I was the one who had to keep the well paying jobs with benefits and Insurance for the family. My ex-husband liked his beer, like a 18 pack a day. He went from job to job, I never knew how long he'd be at a job or why he'd quit or get fired. I just understood that taking care of everything was my job. Problem was I was a BiPolar with Severe Suicidal Ideations and other medical illnesses. I did 5 in-patient stays in Psych wards, but even then tried to keep things normal for my sons. I never lied to them, they knew of my illnesses as was age appropriate. When I was in-patient my MIL would bring them to the hospital every day after school and we'd sit and do homework together and play board games. She'd bring them every weekend and we'd spend time together....I never wanted them to wake up and me just be gone and not know where I was.

Your in a place where you have to think about what's right for you and your children, and what's safe for all of you. You can't fix things for your husband, he has to do that work by himself. And if he's not interested in doing the things that need to be done in order for him to reach Stability, there's not much you can do. You can stay separated forever and hope...or you can look at the situation realistically and let you and your kids get on with your lives. Kids soak all of this up like a sponge and when they're constantly thrown in a situation where there is confusion and instability it does affect them longterm.

One other thing you might try is contacting his old Therapist and meeting with them to see what they think you should do at this point.

I hope that you and your children are able to have some peace and joy this Holiday Season.
Take care,
Kat

I have been on both sides of the bi-polar coin, as both patient and supporter. My own golden rule is, "Don't play therapist." not even if you are fully qualified and licensed to treat non-family members.

Stay safe. Keep your children safe. That is quite allot to have on your plate, all by itself. Give you husband lots of votes of confidence that he can work out his own problems --from a safe distance.

Gentlest of support and empathy, Madeth. It is a tough spot to be in. Hope you find the support you and your children need.

Thank you all for the replies. They are very appreciated. My children all know what is going on as I have always been honest when they were old enough to understand. Right now he is on supervised once monthly visits until he sees his pdoc to confirm he is stable off meds. This order has been in place for about 10 months and he has yet to go to the Dr or try and get things changed. He unfortunately usually misses the entire visit or most of it. (1 weekend per month)
I had been in contact with his therapist a while ago and we agree it's just a waiting game at this point. Its just very hard.
Some days when we talk he is all for seeing a therapist, not the pdoc. Never happens. When he is working he is kind of far away and will not take steps on his own.
And when not working goes by his dad. He has said before he is useless here if he's not working. In the past he will go about a week where he is productive, then seems to get depressed that I'm working and he is just home.
I hate the waiting, and I move on to a point. Still hopeful things will change in the short term. Making a bigger step moving on makes me sad.
Thanks all for listening.

I agree that until he is on medication for bipolar he won't be stable and certainly if he's drinking he'll not be stable... It's just adding something else that isn't healthy....
I would do what you need to for you and your children and have some healthy boundaries.... Big hug... I know this must be very hard....xo