I'm doing the same thing.

hey hee for you much support

I feel ya tonight, Heretic. I miss what Gina misses most -- former selves, especially the fiery, intrepid incarnations, when my concentration could fix on a goal and for days and weeks people would just seem like passing stars.

Now, it feels like when I'm talking to people that I'm silently begging them to wait for my intelligence to kick in, like we're standing in silence and I'm just waiting for the groundhog to come out of its hole. It'll come, it'll come....wait for it, I'm sure there is something down there.

Becoming devastatingly handsome ought to be a side effect of BP meds, to compensate for the mental sluggishness.

I can't accept not to have a career. I want to be off SSDI and live a good life. I don't have anyone who can take care of me, so I'm on my own. I will probably kill myself if I am incapable of taking care of myself.

The parts where I can't decide what to do, don't know how I'll be tomorrow, getting overwhelmed easily, anxiety, irritability, I hate.

The other parts like the loneliness, weight problems, meds, I can deal with.

Its so hard isn't it. Saying goodbye to your old life, and hello to your new life of meds and enduring the highs and lows.

I hate my new life, I have hated it for 9 years and part of me always will. I'm getting used to my limited horizons and lowered status and limited option. But I will never like it and will never stop grieving for my old life.

Slowly slowly build up your new life heretic, accept your limitations and make the best of them.