Ok first thing's first. Borderline's all but confirmed for me. The nice lady at the outpatient center said the dichotomy of how I mentally build people up, dehumanize them, and then build them up again is classic BPD.

Now... does anyone here feel like you're doomed to not have control over your symptoms or self, forever?

Idk.... I have none. I don't know how to get it. It isn't as black and white as being a personal choice for me.

And none of my symptoms depend on "who's around" or what. My mum's always like "You don't act this way around other people!!!" it's only because I'm not around them enough to be triggered by them. If I were, it'd inevitably happen.

When I'm triggered, there is no control. Like... for instance at CSU I hugged my new friend goodbye and had tears in my eyes and I overheard my other pal mumble "Can't they just get over it?" and I thought he was talking shit about me becoming emotional so I flipped him off. He tried to say something to me and I gave him the finger again and said not to fucking talk to me.

Until he said he meant that about this dude repeating himself while telling his story and I was like "Haha oh I'm sorry." we laughed off the misunderstanding, it wasn't like awkward.

That's kind of embarrassing but it's one example of me getting triggered and responding in kind. It's like a reflex. I act without empathy and don't have time to think about it until my empathy comes back to me later on. It shuts off, like a switch.

And she makes it VERY clear and says to me every day that no one else would put up with my bullshit. I know that lol. That's why I don't go around others. Nobody would accept me if they knew how I behaved daily, and so I limit my social interaction to close to zero.

She says mental illness isn't an excuse but... it's not for me. It's an explanation. Excuses can be eradicated. Explanations don't go away once they stop being accepted or useful.

She said if I don't change I'm going to get evicted and I don't really think significant change is possible for me so I asked her to keep my things here if I left, and she said she would do that.

NEGATIVITY TW on this paragraph: If it comes down to it I'll go lay down in the street. It's going be horrible if I have to do that, but I'll finally be out from under her control, and I won't have to answer to anybody anymore. That's all I've ever really wanted anyway, even though I know realistically it won't be all rainbows and roses, if it ever comes to that. But I'm so depressed and on edge right now I feel like I'm just laying down and waiting to die. My environment makes it absolutely impossible to stick with my treatment.

In group counseling and CSU I learned that my treatment is nobody else's but mine, but when your environment triggers you every day, constantly, that's not really possible because it's so interfering that it makes treatment basically useless.

I quit taking my medicine because I know it won't work if I'm living here, which is my only other choice but the streets right now. I lied about taking it to my mother and she just found out about it, I got bitched at ehhhh.

Probably I'll take it tonight though, I'm not sure. l:

Well my two best friends would be more than willing to let me live with (either of) them, I know, but they'd expect me to work and pay bills and rent, and I know I'm not capable of that right now, and I'm not going to take advantage of them or make false promises because that's not right.

Idk. I hope things change for me. Wish me luck I guess. I feel all these impossible situations coming to a head, for a better or worse, and I feel relieved. No matter what happens from here, any drastic change that will end this conundrum will set me free. The main thing keeping me sick is this environment, and things never changing.

Idk. I'm not gonna do anything right now. Just venting I guess. Thanks for reading this.