I wrote this to my friend even though my friends don't care (right now at least). "I want to know how ghosts and space and emotional feelings and romantic connections and quantum supercomputers and drugs and reckless abandon and meticulous calculation all tie in to create circumstance and likelihood and certainty and uncertainty and the compulsions of all aspects of the self to think, feel, and act."

I.... I'm never satisfied, and likewise I'm always frustrated because I feel I have to know literally all the things.

I know so much heaps of shit but I can't connect dots. I don't know the periodic table of elements, the fundamentals of radio waves, sound waves, light rays, laser beams, minerals vs. chemicals, space, aether, satellites, nuclear energy, radioactive decay, the layers upon layers of shit that are so intrinsically relevant in ways I don't know.

And it feels like by the time I learn all this shit I won't have any time left to discover anything new.

At these times I just want to live forever on Adderall and mania so I can progress infinitely and feed my need for knowing... But my insanity makes me want to die.

But if I didn't have the insanity I wouldn't want to live. Obsession with learning distracts for a while, but eventually leads back to insanity and a deep-seated identity crisis of, who am I, how much do I really know, what is the value of the knowledge I hold? Am I seeing things correctly?

And this isn't an "issue" that can be solved by going to see a Pdoc. This isn't something that can be solved with a drug, and even if it could be, would I want to owe my happiness and successes to a man-made chemical? Would I honestly be ok with that? "A means to an end"

Like fffffffffffuuuuuuck.