I know a lot of people have been to the hospital at least five times if not more. Just give them a chance to respond. I've been twice myself and had those same feelings. I did have a good experience at the hospital, unlike yourself, however. I'm sorry. That was unfortunate for you. There's no reason to feel shame or guilt. The is an illness that does not let us control our emotions. Would you feel ashamed for taking insulin for diabetes and not being able to always control that illness? Would you feel ashamed for taking an inhaler for asthma, it not working sometimes, and then having to go to the hospital?

See if your family and friends would be willing to read some books about BP to better understand, or to go to pdoc or tdoc appts with you. That's what my husband did.

Wishing you all the best. You're a great guy! xx

I was hospitalized 6 times in 3 years back in the '70s. There's no shame in being hospitalized, it always did me some good.
It seems like your clinic team overreacted and in a way I can understand that since nobody wants one of their patients/clients to suicide. That may seem self-serving of them but I'm sure they want to help, too. We talk about stigma, and there's stigma among the professionals too.

To me there's a difference between FEELING suicidal and BEING suicidal. It's pointless to talk about the difference to someone who's busy calling to get you space in hospital, though. Although most of my hospitalizations involved my being arrested first, I can relate.

You shouldn't feel ashamed to be in hospital. It's a safe place and we can learn enough that we don't need it anymore. I think I finally decided that I didn't like it any more. And I started lithium which stabilized me enough that I didn't need it anymore. I wish you success in finding your own way.

I don't think being suicidal is shameful lots of people feel that way. All though I can understand my hospital stay wasn't to my liking either. Couldn't relate to people and there weren't any addict's there to my knowledge but the treatment program is like an incredibly mild watered down version of what they do for drug addicts. And they use the same term of "recovery" for it. A little insulting.

I'm not sure about how successful it is for treating mental illnesses. I suspect that it's about as useless for mental illnesses as it is for treating drug addiction. And to be honest the mild version isn't going to help a drug addict at all. A drug addict needs much more than just being separated from drugs. They need mental reconditioning.

I guess the theory is that mentally ill people need to learn coping skills, similarly to drug addicts. But the problem I have with the way things are done is that honestly, you are not likely to learn healthy thought patterns and how to make healthy decisions from mentally ill people in the first place. Not saying that you can't ever but honestly some one's version of healthy could turn out to be pretty crappy. It all depends on the level of their illness.

Not saying that people don't need to be pro active in regaining some of their mental health, but honestly our problems are more likely to stem from the chemical imbalance in our brains which directly effects our thinking.

It goes back to the chicken or the egg question. Do unhealthy thoughts cause unhealthy brains? Or do the chemicals in our brains cause the unhealthy thoughts? As best as I can tell we are born with what ever brain genetics gave us. But that's not to say that we can't learn how to have healthy thoughts. Even when we do learn to have healthy thoughts we still struggle more than the average person, and our brains can still remain chemically imbalanced.

this is why people with average functioning brains lack understanding and sympathy. They may have the same emotions and complaints so to them it just looks like we are making excuses. But honestly when is the last time they had to suffer because they didn't get out of bed or didn't take a bath because of a less than normal brain? It's been scientifically proven our brains are different chemically, why they can't accept this I don't know.

I may not have had bi polar all of my life but I did have pretty severe case of ADD. All my life people complained that I wasn't trying hard enough and just making excuses. My parents didn't want to put me on meds because they felt that I was too young. But as I got older I realized that my life was not improving even though I was trying very hard. Finally I asked to be put on meds and dramatically changed my life. For the first time I was realizing things I never would have realized with out the meds. I felt like I was living in a whole new world! Even relatives commented on the positive change.

Now I have bi polar and I have the same shitty attitude from family members. Lack of understanding. But unlike with ADD, one size med does not fit all. We all know that finding the right meds could take a matter of years. Since the meds aren't dramatically improving things my family feels that I should stop taking them. Some time's they even think I'm better with out them. Well they are cracked because saw improvements with my college work and ability to function while taking classes. So I know they work or have potential to. The problem is that even though I was seeing an improvement I was not back to normal by a long stretch.

Now the meds have stopped working and I"m going backwards.

I didn't mean to go on that long, But the main thing is that you sought help (or maybe it was forced on you) when you had a problem. Bi polar is an on going struggle. You do not need to feel ashamed for it. You did not do this to your self and you did not ask for this. You should be proud that you acknowledge the problem and that you working toward managing it.

So relax you are among friends here. We aren't going to judge you when you have bad days.

Damn I really am full of hot wind! Sorry for the incredibly long post.

To me, mini vacations is only normal & to be exspected because of my illness.
We do not half to nor need o tell all to our family,friends...
Med adjustment works or in group thyp. againn is it really is no business except for our p-doc, p-nuse and medical staff.

I dont tell EMS I just simply tell them that I'm on p-meds and that I have memoruty where I feel that I will harm myself. That's all that they ( EMS staff ) need to know.
The EMS will convay info to hospital and so on.

I'm not a shame about having an illness. it's not like I went out shopping and brought mental illness.
However I feel that I can live with mental illness verse heart disease. both are treatable.

Does your family know that you have an iillness? do they have knowledge of illness and about effects that it has on you and effects that it can have on you and your life.
If they don't, search info on illness. print them out a copy of what ever info you wish - inform that will be benifitual to you.
you might also opt to print out info of a care assistant , family member or members. Print out copy that gives them info on takeing care of them selves while careing for you.

I'm not a shame. I'm not going to post it on billboard.
I did't select it nor buy it.
I thank God that there are meds already alvailable & treatment ...

I'm sure I will continue to have mini vacations.
sorta like a car going in for a turn up.

Private centers are a lot nicer than what you described
but both put us back upon our feet.

They put this humty dumty back together, time afater time.
Ya, I'm cracked but most of time I'm funtional.

I have 911 on my speed dail.

I'm so sorry that you had hard time.
Please stop beating your self up about that and effects of our illness.

X's

*bump for a friend*

I've been hospitalized 4 times; each time it was totally necessary. i think generally it's necessary when you go so it's unavoidable.
Try to get away from the shame and know that you did the right thing. Be glad that you are ok now and out of danger. Let go of the 'shoulds' about how you should be and accept how you ARE. It's the only way to cope with this awfull disease.

pardon my spelling...

Thank you all for adding your comments I appreciated your input. I saw really thoughtly answers, sorry to say I've picked up my perception of thing from my familly.

I read all of it by the way it was helpfull I like not being judged here that's the main reason I come here.

I'm looking into going into the hospital I keep saying I want to go then chicken out. Next pdoc appointment Friday at 830.