It's never good to compare ourselves to others. It just hurts us. Sounds like you have accomplished a lot with your painting. I know it doesn't make up for your past regrets, but that's just what they are, in the past. Try to let them go.

I think you followed your heart and you did what you have been passionate about

I've not had a relationship that worked out for a lifetime either

Sometimes we're not a very good friend to ourselves sweetie..... You don't deserve to get beat up for doing what you've been passionate about

You're inspired by creating art and I think that's a wonderful thing..... The grass isn't always greener on the other side

Be kind to you.... You deserve it..... Big hug …..xo

thinking you lived your life 'of passion' for what you loved and only what was needed... according to 'society standards' of a 9-5..blah blah.

Family stays, relationships come and go . Friends and partners change. One can find what is wanted one day, a few years down the road of life a different path appears.

Sounds like the wind has shifted your sails towards a different destination of your choice....

Hey Enaid I am definitely not innocent I’ve done some horrible things. Anyway I am like you or feel like you anyway where I just feel I am existing. I used to paint and draw until I got a compression fracture in 2013 and it affected my hands and they haven’t gotten better because well I am poor. My husband works a minimum wage job and I don’t work due to my mental and physical illness and I can’t get disability because they said we make too much money. That is laughable because I honestly have more health issues than some on disability but oh well like just seems to screw me all the time. My husband is forced to get insurance through his work which is a joke and we can’t go through the marketplace because his job offers insurance. So we get little to no care as far as our health. Now he may have Lymphoma. Yeah our life has really sucked bad. We constantly take 3 steps forward and 10 steps back. Story of our lives. However it is nice to know we are not alone. I used to work and last place I did we of course made minimum wage and we all talked about how we struggled and people who were better off did not understand how it was to grow up poor and be poor and of course like me the better off people were like well you have to work hard to get where you want to be. Easier said than done. Some of those I worked with had degrees it was that they couldn’t find work. Some were like me we flunked out of college because of illness. Yeah some get the shitty life and others seem to do so well. I know this girl here where I live and everything she touches turns to gold. She was born with an advantage though. Her parents have money and she gets her hands on everything. She has seven kids, she’s a doula, she sales essential oils, she does Zyto scans to see which oils people need, she owns her own boutique, and Lord knows what else and she is like I worked real hard to get where I am. Her parents hand her everything and she is able to excel easier because of it and her husband is great. Anyway she has all those kids all those jobs and still sleeps 8 hours a night and has time to wear makeup and do her hair. Anyway why is it some people seem to go on and others don’t?!

Enaid,

I would definitely not compare and judge yourself against others. We're all different. I was in University for 12 years, married for 25 years, have always worked in a Professional Career and raised 2 sons, part-time soccer mom, well my youngest (20) is in his 2nd year of College and my oldest (28) tends to spend more time here than his place when he's not at work, so I'm not sure they ever get raised. lol And through all that the BiPolar monster was always present, I've been BiPolar for 29 years and have 5 suicide attempts and 5 In-patient Psych stays under my belt. In the last 20 years I've had 31 surgeries and have several Chronic Illnesses that I deal with daily. I still work and will until the day I fall over dead at my desk or laptop. Work keeps my brain in a good place, it keeps me out of my head with too much free time.

If I'd had normal parents I probably would have been a completely different person. But I didn't, my mom was a Psycho-crazy abusive Bi*** and my father was a Pedophile. So I learned how to survive, and I learned from living a life of Hell, what kind of life I would never live as an adult on my own, what kind of life my kids would never live, that I would never have to rely on anyone but me for my survival...and I did that. Some things you never "un-learn" and that survival drive is how I've gotten through every phase of my life, bad times and good...and believe me I've done plenty of bad things when my Manic side was on a rampage or I was so depressed, death was all I could think of.

But you learn, you decide to take the reigns and learn to manage the monster and you work the treatment plan; meds, therapy, coping skills...whatever it takes. We're all different, in how we grew up, in how we've lived our lives, in how we live now...with 1 very big thing in common. There is no right or wrong. There is definitely nothing wrong with being artistic and living your dream.

Take care,
Kat

Yes. I can relate. Way, way outside of the norms.

I lived outside the norms till Jesus saved me at 26. I woke up, and realized being a professional musician, environmentalist wasn't a good future. Sure, it is important to recycle, and we have been bad stewards, but it wasn't a good career for a mother.

So, I finished my schooling and became a teacher, put my kids in sports and music lessons, went to church and read my Bible faithfully and played on the church worship teams.

Then I got Rheumatoid Arthritis, which sent me into a spiralling depression for years. God finally pulled me out, and I did an MDiv, planned to be a chaplain, but had a bad med failure, from which I haven't recovered from in 3 years and may never recover.

I'm pursuing a PhD in theology right now. Not sure if I will finish it because of the pain.

I'm glad God helped me turn my life around, and that I was able to give my children stability and love. I'm glad I got my education, too!

But the road was rough, mood swings into my 50's. It wasn't easy pretending to be normal, when I knew I wasn't. I wish I could have been more free and open., But that was not God, but my husband trying to control me. We've been married 38 years, with many issues, he has psychiatric issues he pretends he doesn't have. Sometimes I wonder if anyone is really sane, then I remember my happy, well adjusted children.

I think stability and security are important, Now that I am 65. We are not rich, but comfortable. But, we still have to acknowledge we are sick, and being normal will always be a difficult challenge.

I agree we should follow our heart, but that also means assessing our priorities. I was very impulsive before I became a Christian. Being a mom changed that, too, because I put them first. I think I was not true to myself, and I wish I had not gotten so physically sick.

The OP is a good warning, I hope people will hear it that are young. But don't forget who you are! Bipolar is a sickness, but it comes with some weird perks like creativity. If you go straight, don't forget who you are. And be prepared for a long, hard fight to stay normal. For me, going straight was the right move, if only to see how week my children are doing, regardless of my mental and physical health!

I know normies that have lived the nomadic artistic life, just like you Enaid by choice.

We're not all meant to be on the same track...not all supposed to be parents, or professionals, or meant to take the straight track instead of the more curvy interesting one.

Artsy and Creative is not a symptom of BiPolar Disorder, its a part of your personality. You led your life the way you wanted to. And "normal" is relative, put 10 people in a room and they'll all be completely different, which one is "normal", whatever that is....

Treating and managing your BiPolar to reach a point of stability doesn't mean you have to live your life according to anyone else's standards or ideals, it just means you have to do the work.

Wow these are such exceptionl, intelligent answers and feedback ! I got so much out of each and every one of them.

Becky . . . Yes - this evaluation of my life I typed out here I think is necessary for me to express and accept but not feel back about.

SunCloud . . . I really feel the warmth and affection in your words. You are one of a kind and I value you so much.

Miro . . . Yes I think a little bit too much "wind shifting sails" though for me – looking back I would have found a healthy place and stayed put!

IvoryMuse . . . I felt a little bad for you reading your synopsis of your life because it sounds like it's been pretty fraught with difficulties and I'm sorry to hear that.

Dear Kat . . . I enjoyed reading about your life that it sounds very productive, rich and full, while at the same time dramatic with dangerous emotional twists and turns. On this panel you have always struck me as someone who truly knows what they're talking about -someone to take seriously; and I am always excited to see your posts. Your history and what you’ve come out of and successfully survived is inspiring.

GOB Bluth . . . Thank you hon for causing me to not feel so alone!