Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
...when they ask how you are doing?
I take a very strong stance on not lying to people for any reason and always try to be 100% honest...or at least I used to. Crazy and hard, I know, but I felt strongly that you should always aim for this. Some people got mad at me. Some people stopped asking my opinion because they knew I'd actually give it even if it wasn't the answer they were *asking* for.
That doesn't mean I was a jerk about it. If I saw a friend with an ugly shirt, I wouldn't run up and tell them, "Ugly Shirt Alert!" but rather I would just keep my mouth shut or if they asked me I'd say "Not one of my favorites" or something else that expressed my opinion without being mean.
Realizing later that my opinion is sometimes best kept to myself even if it is asked for and even if it is true, I would, in those cases, try to stealthfully (and usually successfully) redirect them in such a way that I would never actually answer the question...but I didn't lie and everything that I actually said was the true.
I know that brings up the issue some people saying deception without lying is still, in spirit, a violation of truth but stick with me for a minute.
Let's fast forward now to the present. I still hate to lie to people but now I do it anyway because I don't think people really want or need the truth sometimes. My biggest and most common lie is when people ask "How are you doing?" Unless my pain is so out of control that I cannot compose myself, I'll say I'm doing great or something like "There is breathe in my lungs and I live another day. What more can we ask for?" with a big smile, depending on the person asking. I usually do this because 80% of the people asking probably couldn't give a crap about how I actually am and use "How are you?" as "small talk" to fill the silence. It's almost rhetorical. As for the other 20% that I know REALLY care and REALLY do want to know....sometimes I lie anyway. What good will come of them knowing that I am in physical agony as well as suffering bouts of suicidal depression, panic attacks, and manic episodes. So they can feel sorry for me? So that they can be sad knowing someone they care about is in terrible shape? No thanks, I'd rather just deal with being a liar.
I have an Aunt that is helping me find alternative treatments and such so I basically have to tell her if I am improving or getting worse and my parents can usually tell how I've been doing do I don't try to hide it from them. Two friends, on different occasions, that know my physical health struggle but not about my Bipolar asked me how it was going and if it was getting any better, I was honest and basically regretted it immediately both times. Sad faces and apologies followed; the mood changed and I felt like such a downer.
So screw it, I'm a liar. When anyone, close friends included, asks me how I am, I am superman. I'm on top of the world and it is my oyster. Nothing can get me down because life couldn't be better.....now let me go home so I can contemplate how I feel like I have no real future, purpose in life, or expectation that anything will ever get better.
My biggest problem with having followed this resolution? It gets easier after a while, habitual almost. Years ago, before my physical ailments, I would always tell people I was "marvelous", "stupendous", "wonderful" even though I struggled with my mental illness despite my staunch stance on not lying to people. I would instead lie to myself everyday and try to believe that I really was doing well. Being around people helped back then, too, and if I was in a manic state then sometimes I actually would feel like I was on top of the world and able to do anything and everything!!!
What does everyone else think? Just tell everyone you are doing good? None of their business anyway even if they are a close friend that really cares?
What about lying about other things? Ya know, the "white lies". Lies that don't seem to have any consequences and don't hurt anyone.
What about lying to keep people from keeping bad or getting their feelings hurt? Is honest always the best policy? Should you tell a friend "I just don't want to hang out with you tonight because you've been getting on my nerves lately" or say "Sorry, I already made other plans." or "I'm not really feeling well"
I really want to know how others see this.
I want to be the awesome, fun, care-free, happy friend again. I don't want to be the sick, yet awesome, friend struggling with tough times that they pity. I almost never peel back the mask to let anyone see the real me and now I'm kinda regretting that I EVER did because I have no way to take it back. Now they have seen and it cannot be unseen and unknown. But then again, if I don't, are my close friends really my *close* friends or just people that I happen to hang out with.
But back to the topic at hand. Are you liars?!
I take a very strong stance on not lying to people for any reason and always try to be 100% honest...or at least I used to. Crazy and hard, I know, but I felt strongly that you should always aim for this. Some people got mad at me. Some people stopped asking my opinion because they knew I'd actually give it even if it wasn't the answer they were *asking* for.
That doesn't mean I was a jerk about it. If I saw a friend with an ugly shirt, I wouldn't run up and tell them, "Ugly Shirt Alert!" but rather I would just keep my mouth shut or if they asked me I'd say "Not one of my favorites" or something else that expressed my opinion without being mean.
Realizing later that my opinion is sometimes best kept to myself even if it is asked for and even if it is true, I would, in those cases, try to stealthfully (and usually successfully) redirect them in such a way that I would never actually answer the question...but I didn't lie and everything that I actually said was the true.
I know that brings up the issue some people saying deception without lying is still, in spirit, a violation of truth but stick with me for a minute.
Let's fast forward now to the present. I still hate to lie to people but now I do it anyway because I don't think people really want or need the truth sometimes. My biggest and most common lie is when people ask "How are you doing?" Unless my pain is so out of control that I cannot compose myself, I'll say I'm doing great or something like "There is breathe in my lungs and I live another day. What more can we ask for?" with a big smile, depending on the person asking. I usually do this because 80% of the people asking probably couldn't give a crap about how I actually am and use "How are you?" as "small talk" to fill the silence. It's almost rhetorical. As for the other 20% that I know REALLY care and REALLY do want to know....sometimes I lie anyway. What good will come of them knowing that I am in physical agony as well as suffering bouts of suicidal depression, panic attacks, and manic episodes. So they can feel sorry for me? So that they can be sad knowing someone they care about is in terrible shape? No thanks, I'd rather just deal with being a liar.
I have an Aunt that is helping me find alternative treatments and such so I basically have to tell her if I am improving or getting worse and my parents can usually tell how I've been doing do I don't try to hide it from them. Two friends, on different occasions, that know my physical health struggle but not about my Bipolar asked me how it was going and if it was getting any better, I was honest and basically regretted it immediately both times. Sad faces and apologies followed; the mood changed and I felt like such a downer.
So screw it, I'm a liar. When anyone, close friends included, asks me how I am, I am superman. I'm on top of the world and it is my oyster. Nothing can get me down because life couldn't be better.....now let me go home so I can contemplate how I feel like I have no real future, purpose in life, or expectation that anything will ever get better.
My biggest problem with having followed this resolution? It gets easier after a while, habitual almost. Years ago, before my physical ailments, I would always tell people I was "marvelous", "stupendous", "wonderful" even though I struggled with my mental illness despite my staunch stance on not lying to people. I would instead lie to myself everyday and try to believe that I really was doing well. Being around people helped back then, too, and if I was in a manic state then sometimes I actually would feel like I was on top of the world and able to do anything and everything!!!
What does everyone else think? Just tell everyone you are doing good? None of their business anyway even if they are a close friend that really cares?
What about lying about other things? Ya know, the "white lies". Lies that don't seem to have any consequences and don't hurt anyone.
What about lying to keep people from keeping bad or getting their feelings hurt? Is honest always the best policy? Should you tell a friend "I just don't want to hang out with you tonight because you've been getting on my nerves lately" or say "Sorry, I already made other plans." or "I'm not really feeling well"
I really want to know how others see this.
I want to be the awesome, fun, care-free, happy friend again. I don't want to be the sick, yet awesome, friend struggling with tough times that they pity. I almost never peel back the mask to let anyone see the real me and now I'm kinda regretting that I EVER did because I have no way to take it back. Now they have seen and it cannot be unseen and unknown. But then again, if I don't, are my close friends really my *close* friends or just people that I happen to hang out with.
But back to the topic at hand. Are you liars?!
Here is the TL;DR version
Is it just better to lie sometimes when they ask how you are doing?
My biggest and most common lie is when people ask "How are you doing?" Unless my pain is so out of control that I cannot compose myself, I'll say I'm doing great or something like that. I usually do this because 80% of the people asking probably couldn't give a crap about how I actually am. As for the other 20% that I know REALLY care and REALLY do want to know....sometimes I lie anyway. What good will come of them knowing that I am in physical agony as well as suffering bouts of suicidal depression, panic attacks, and manic episodes. So they can feel sorry for me? So that they can be sad knowing someone they care about is in terrible shape? No thanks, I'd rather just deal with being a liar.
What about lying about other things? Ya know, the "white lies". Lies that don't seem to have any consequences and don't hurt anyone.
I hate to create another reply to my own post already, especially off the topic, but I have a VERY important question for those that read my full post. Am I just a windbag that says a lot without saying anything? Should I have just said "Is it just better to lie sometimes when they ask how you are doing?" and hit post?
Several friends have told me that, in person, I tell a great and entertaining story. They said my impersonations, sound effects, tone, and facial expressions are enough to get me to tell their stories for them rather than telling them themselves.
My father on the other hand has told me many times in the past that I basically ramble on and on 'like my mother' about details that he doesn't think are relevant enough to my stories or questions and that I just need to get to the point and be done with it already. I know this might sound really mean but his tone is not a cruel as his words would have it seem. Sometimes, I have gotten off on tangents so I can see some validity in his argument.
I know that I'm not telling a "story" here but all the details that I added were ones that I thought added perspective to the question and my state of mind and intentions for asking it. Just like this post could have stopped with the first small paragraph.
I need your honest (even brutally honest if applicable) opinion about whether the majority of my post was just verbal diarrhea or if you thought it actually provided the perspective as I intended.
I realize the irony of asking for the complete and honest truth in a thread about where it's okay to lie to people especially to spare their feelings, but I need honesty. I cannot make proper changes to my behavior if I don't know I have a problem.
but i will think about what you've said, i probably would have read it- other than i haven't been feeling well. sometimes details are very important.
Now to answer your original post i must admit you asked many questions i would love to answer 1 by one. But seeing it is 11pm local time and my eyes are struggling to remain open i will choose just one of your questions to answer.
"Are you liars?!"
Yes i am. Everyday that i face my children, smile, and pretend all is right with the world i am lying. Having them know the horror that resides within me would be devastating. I consiously hide the truth from them so as not to allow them the worry of wether or not mommy will finally take her life while they are in school.
When my mother calls me on the phone asking how we are doing i tell her we are all doing great. What good would it do for her to know my marriage is near its breaking point? Its not like she can afford to house me and my 3 children if it comes to that point. Why let her worry about something she cannot change?
Whenever my husband tells me he loves me i say it right back to him without blinking an eye. I do not add "but not as much as before" or "but i hate what you have done to me and turned me into"
Yes. Sometimes it is best to lie.
I think we all try not to hurt others feelings. sometimes a little white lie is what it takes to not hurt others feelings.
It is very important not to lie about what truffely matters.
Sometimes we have tto bite our tounge, and not tell everything we know.
much love
Elizabeth
The desire to tell them your pain, or worry about lying - mental illness stuff (((((BIG HUG))))))
I don't lie about my disorder or how I'm doing. My husband and kids need to know how I'm feeling. My mom is my best friend and I keep no secrets from her. My father suffers from manic depression so why lie to him? My family has always told the truth and I carry that on. My husband and kids know me so well that I couldn't lie to them if I wanted. Same with my parents. I have friends that I know care about my mental health and are not afraid of my diagnosis so I don't have to lie. Now when I say friends I don't mean I have many. I have two. Maybe if I lied I'd have more.
As far as "white lies" are concerned. I think each time it is a "depends on" situation. I still don't lie, I don't think. I have never been for my tact. A bad problem I am sure. I believe in telling the truth about certain things all the time and someone is getting on my nerves I feel it's my obligation to tell them. Maybe that's hurtful, maybe not.
I try not to be a bitch when dealing with certain things but I am not always successful. It is hard sometimes for me to have the patience that others possess. Now I see nothing wrong with lying sometimes I just generally don't do it. Great post Captain.
Laura
In borderline, they have a term "emotional hemmoraging" which I think is great- just basically bleeding all over the place emotionally. I have done this many times and been embarrassed later.
I think there's a time and a place. Just like you don't have to tell people you have diarhrea, either. (Unless you just wanna mess with them!)
Keeping light social contacts is really good for us, and these kinds of contacts won't bear a lot of intense weight, so with those folks, best to keep a lid on it.
Plus, you will inevitably be disappointed by people who don't get it or dont' really care.
Or am I being too honest :)
I read each of your posts in this thread. Whew!!
Is it better to lie sometimes when they ask how you are doing?
Sometimes the asking is just a time-filling throw-away statement. It's sad because I do believe there was a time and place when those were genuine words.
My first response: "Thank you for asking." Second response: Either "I'm doing well" or "I've been better." Now, how much I expound on either of those two depends on the asker, what's going on with me, and if I'm in a place to accept concern or empathy.
Frustrated
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional : )