...if people say you're paranoid,but you're able to say,"Yes I am,but I don't want to be. Help me." Tonight I overheard 2 lady residents talking and laughing about something,and of course I thought they were laughing at me. But I was able to say to myself (positive self-talk is one of my most helpful coping skills),"They are not talking about you or laughing at you. Don't think you're that important." I had a bad episode last weekend,I wasn't psychotic but I had thoughts of self-harm. The caregiver on duty was a 23-year-old girl who is very child-like (not childish) in her approach to life. I was afraid to ask her to call crisis,even though I was feeling tempted to hurt myself. "Tell me what to do," I begged. "It's a hard choice,but you have to make it," she replied. Finally I said,"I know what I want to say,I just can't say it." C replied, "Do you want to go to the hospital?" and I nodded yes. Long story short,she called crisis and though the worker was a kind lady (some aren't,as I'm sure you all know),she said I didn't meet the criteria for hospitalization even though I had told her I wanted to hurt myself and how. She also said,for some reason,that my insurance wouldn't cover my hospitalization (how she knew that is anybody's guess). CFH (Caregiver From Hell) came on the next day,and when the owner of the home arrived,I begged her to help me and she did try. She phoned crisis again but the evaluation was the same, "not meeting criteria". I did acquire a new caseworker from "Carla"'s efforts,though,thank the Lord. I see her on Monday. In the meantime,the lady who re-opened my case called my pdoc for me and left a message telling him everything that was happening to me,but that was on Monday afternoon and it is now Friday evening and he hasn't returned her call. This is one of those times when I'm tempted to feel sorry for myself,but I refuse to do that. Somehow,I believe,I can wade through all this red tape and incompetence and come out the other side whole. I just need some help,which I get from God and from posting here. Thanks for listening,hugs all around. (P.S. I still have thoughts of harming myself but they are just flicks against my mind. It's not as bad when you identify the problem and ask for help. Thank God I know it's always there.)