The things inside my head are so dark right now. I need to talk to someone about it but I am afraid to. I think if they all knew what was going on in there they would lock me away for a long time. I can't afford to go to the hospital, if I do I will loose my apartment and will have nowhere to go. I am not in danger of acting on it, I just need to get it out.

So here it goes, the good, the bad, and the ugly inside my head.

I am thinking why is suicide wrong. If someone is suffering they should be allowed to end it. I know that the mood passes and things get better, but I also know that one day it will be back. That total darkness, the shame and guilt, the anger and fear, the total lack of anything good. I am tired of going through the cycle and loosing pieces of myself each time. I am never the same after an episode, things change and I am watched a little closer each time. Why should it be wrong to end this kind of suffering? I am thinking of myself and my family in this. They would not have to worry about me anymore, they would not have to watch me anymore and they would know my suffering would be over. I think it should be allowed to end the suffering. Just a thought.

I am wondering what it would be like to kill another person. I don't want to and this thought is making me feel horrible. But I can't help but wonder what it would be like. What would be the most effective way to do it. Is it possible to get away with murder? I am not planning on doing it, I promise. The thought keeps coming up though, how do you decide who to kill and the method. How do you get away with it. I think I could get away with murder if I really tried to do it. The hard part would be disposing of the body. I know this thought is not a normal one and I want it to go away. I can't tell my therapist because he would put me in the hospital and then I would loose my home. I would have nothing and nowhere to go.

I am thinking about hurting myself. I need to be punished for the horrible thoughts about suicide and murder. I am a bad person and I need to be punished for the thoughts going through my head. I should suffer for being such a bad person. It is proof that I am truly evil and all evil needs to be punished. I need to cut, spill blood in penance for who I am. I do not deserve mercy.

I do not deserve to live. I am the kind of evil that should be locked away forever, put to death. End my life before I snap and do something to harm another person. I need to be destroyed. I just do not have the courage to do it myself. I am weak. If I were stronger I would not have these thoughts, I would have been able to stop them before they got out of control.

I am not good enough for anything. I am worthless and useless. I can not help myself. I am living in an apartment building for the mentally ill. It is independent living and I have been doing good since I moved in (May 2013). The last couple of weeks though I have really taken a turn for the worst. I think being here alone so much is really getting to me. I have been out of control. I am eating too much, smoking too much and drinking too much coffee.

I want to get drunk every day, all the time. I am thinking about trying to get my hands on some pot or trying something new like crack. I want to feel like I am not part of reality because reality sucks.

My therapist is coming over, he is on his way right now and I am thinking of pretending I am not home. I know I have to answer the door because if I don't they will just unlock it and come in anyway.

I am just tired of all of this and don't know where to turn. Although sharing like this seems to be helping me feel better. I just need to get tho thoughts out and hear that I am not alone in this.