today i was completely honest with Jaime and my psychiatrist. its crazy that i told them about this actually thinking about it. i told them how i crave attention alot and about my fears to be left alone. i always need someone there for me caring for me..etc even if im good. and then Jaime said well due to my history with trauma and people not treating me well, that understandable. then i told Jaime how i would never lie to get attention but id tell you something knowing i get a lot of attention. like for the cutting..i was cutting for 6 months before i told anyone. i knew i was gonna get attention wen i went to the counselor and i asked "if someone hurts themselves, do they have to go to the hospital?" and sure enough, she brought me to the nurses office to check me out.

for as long as i remember i always loved attention...in 6th grade..one day i was sad and i didnt play with the other kids at recess and the school counselor came up to me and sat on the ground and she asked me wat was wrong..why i wasnt playing with the other kids and she cared and was there while i cried. from then i was like people will pay attention and care for me if i do stuff to get ther attention like cry.

Jaime asked me why i cut..and i said to deal with the crap in my life and she said she doesnt think i cut for attention and i told her its not the cutting, its telling her or other counselor that i did cut. and she asked if im crying out for help and explained to me that cutting sometimes is. i told her that i do things like doing something knowing ill get attention.

like the suicide attempt....even tho there were alot of reasons for it, i knew id get attention and that theyd care about me...mom dad fam..jaime, faith etc. i couldve reach out to faith or jaime but my train of thoughts were...id let them know that i wanna swallow a whole bunch of pills, theyd send me to the hospital, id come out feeling new and refreshed, then i would get depressed and wanna swallow pills...i felt like this cycle would never end. i didnt wanna deal with the mess my step mom was making in the house...and so wen i o'd'ed and told my dad, i knew that alot of people would care about me and wanna be there for me. and love me til i got better.

jaime asked me how i feel about telling her this and i said im glad i was honest with her. dr lewish (psychiatrist) asked me similar questions like jaime. she said she might put me in cluster b personality....idkkkk. i need people to love me and care for me, but i hateee myself. i want attention alot but i wouldnt lie or do something bad totally on purpose to get it......for example wen i was counting...i just told someone that i was cutting..i didnt make it up or over exaggerate. and after that on this dday wer i cut i came back to school and i was telling the counselor the story and then i was like "i was soo angry i took it out on my self" knowing shed ask to see my arm.

idk why i want attention so muchh. i just wanna be really loved and cared for. thats wat i said wen jaime asked "wat do you want me to do for you?"

btw i finally asked her what type of bipolar i have and she said bipolar I and i asked her to explain what the difference between bipolar 1 and 2 and she said bipolar 2 is a more milder form. she said with me im severely deppressed and severely manic..so i was like oo ok...nice to know lol

am i a bad person??