Bipolar Disorder Support Group

Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.

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I messed up-TRIGGER

ATOWifeofJason
ATOWifeofJason
Well I hadn't had a drink since New Years Eve-and that ended with me vomitting violently before we even got home...but Saturday I went to a friends house and proceeded to drink a bottle and a half of wine.

As if that wasn't bad enough I came home and waited for my husband to go to sleep and I went into the bathroom and inserted 2 huge needles used to draw blood into my hand and wrist and just let the blood flow. I don't know how long I was there, but it made me feel so much better. I am a self harmer from long ago, but I hadn't done it-cutiing anything in over a 2 years.

Now I am overcome with shame and guilt. I am trying to be gentle with myself, but I can't be doing this stupid shit. It would hurt my mom so much to know that I had done something to hurt myself. She saw the bruise on my wrist and I lied(which made me feel like even bigger crap). I guess I just needed to say this out loud...maybe hoping it would take away some of the guilt...I just don't know.

I remember lying the last time when some people from work saw the cuts on my arm...I just...I'm just sorry. I always feel so worthless when I fall of the wagon-drinking or otherwise.

Shit...I know better.
Cammiecat
Cammiecat
Where did you get the needles?
ATOWifeofJason
ATOWifeofJason
I got the needles from work...I can't believe I posted this for everyone to read...I feel so ashamed right now...Can this be deleted or removed?
Shelly4
Shelly4
Have you been able to identify the trigger that set all this off for you? I am sorry that you lost your years of sobriety and harming. If you have quit before, you know you can do it again and the focus should be to do it for you..............Best wishes on your journey....xo
Shelly4
Shelly4
I can close it if you wish and ask DS to remove it...........
ATOWifeofJason
ATOWifeofJason
No. Maybe it needs to stay up. It gives me accountability for my actions. Thank you for the kind words Shelly4. I know the back of the wagon well and it is time to get back on.
Cammiecat
Cammiecat
You can quit again. You've done it before. This is just a set back. We are all only human. I believe that you are stronger than you think you are.
deleted_user
deleted_user
to err is human, to forgive divine.

forgive yourself. two years is a great accomplishment.
ATOWifeofJason
ATOWifeofJason
Thanks Cammie... I know the trigger has been my mom's cancer diagnosis and we find out the results of her pathology tomorrow...I'm just stressed as all get out right now. And I am so tired.
ATOWifeofJason
ATOWifeofJason
Thanks Mojo...that means alot to me...I'm going to go to bed and try and get some sleep...
Cammiecat
Cammiecat
Take deep breaths. Relax if you can. Remember you are strong and worthy of forgiveness. In fact, we have already forgiven you, now it's up to you to forgive yourself like Mojo said. Dream well sweetie. ((hugs)) to you. Everything will turn out like it is supposed to.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
Today is the first day of the rest of your life sweetie.. Start from here..
I'm so sorry your mom is ill..
Great big hug for you and a blessing..x
deleted_user
deleted_user
((((((((((Gentle, comforting hugs)))))))))))))) honey. XXOO

I'm thinking of you
GinaWonders
GinaWonders
Shame and guilt - to me - are red flags, that you did something AGAINST your own values...

with such trama and drama, the only thing you can do - is not do it again (((((BIG HUG)))) you made a mistake, try not to focus on a Mistake for longer than you have too...

Its in the past, you feel bad - all good, now go make new mistakes and post about them too! LOL Love you and hold on - you are awesome, or you wouldn't feel bad....
surferchica
surferchica
I'm a fellow former self harmer who works in the medical field. (that is a mouthful, isn't it?) We sure do know know to hurt ourselves too. At least we know how not to get an infection though.

I put my scarred arms around you, and say, "forgive yourself again". Let go of the guilt. It doesn't serve to help or better you.

Wear long sleeves and bandages...or those tattoo cover sleeves until you heal up on the outside.

What really matters are your hidden emotions and pain. the triggers. and learning to love the person that you are instead of harming the beautiful child within.


I hope you are feeling better today....and have a good day in spite of it all.

((((((((((((((((((((Big hugs and peace))))))))))))))))
deleted_user
deleted_user
Holy crap- I'm sorry you are in that condition. Are you ok? Do you need to go inpatient? At the very least, I think you should look into outpatient and have people monitor you.

You sound like you are in a very painful, vulnerable place and you need people working with you to stabilize.

xxxx strength to you in a dark time xxx
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