Upandownguy what you said really means something to me. To worry about hating myself more than being able to go out all the time. I do know it's more important but fun time with friends makes me feel happy and sometimes I need that. My last therapist just said goodbye because she is pretty pregnant and won't be coming back after the baby is due. I haven't seen her in a couple weeks, she's CBT. I'm getting a new one in that office and started with my very good previous therapist who is a psychotherapist in the beginning if this month. I know, it's crucial. I've really needed it lately and haven't had it. Anyway thanks for making me feel strong.

Sounds like you like Zane a little more than just a friend there.

I agree this is negative thinking that is why cognitive therapy would be good for you. It will help you develop a healthy way to deal with that and bring you back on track to leading a more normal life.

You may have bi polar but it doesn't mean you are an automatic loser. If people see you that way it's their problem not your's. You have to show your self why they are wrong about you. But you may need to show your self that as well.

Bi polar will effect your life but you can manage it in a way that allows you to still lead a relatively normal and healthy life despite it. And no human is perfect even if they are so called "normal"

Another problem is that you seem to be seeing others in a warped reality where every one else is perfect and so much better than you to a point where that is all you focus on and you can't see that the reality is actually different then how you believe it is.

Start raising your awareness and observing others and you will see that lots of people have problems. And some of them are rife with insecurity issues. Some are awkward and some are total a- holes (we all know that though.) But there are good people out there too and you have to focus on surrounding your self with them and ignoring the people that are bad for your emotional and mental well being.

You are letting your fears and your issues eat you alive. You will become neurotic until you push the few friends you have now far away from you.

Don't under estimate the power of belief alone. If you start to back talk those negative thoughts they will slowly minimize. I have to do it all the time. I learned negative thinking from a mother who is her self unstable and neurotic. But after lots of therapy I'm able to overcome it for the most part and move past her problems.

If you start to ease up on all your fears and let them go, you will see that things will fall into place like magic.

I'm not promising a paradise utopia free of problems, that's unrealistic. But if you start to work on letting go of that fear and changing your line of thought you're life can improve and you wont miss your early adult hood.

Start to open your mind and look beyond what you believe because some one probably taught you to think that way, and you will see that every thing you were told, it was a lie. And all the things you thought you knew, it turns out you didn't know as much about it as you thought.

(well that's also a part of getting old ha!)

gosh I could go on and on here.

Being social is important but also remember that part of adult life is to realize that some times life is boring. Welcome to adulthood sweety. It's time to start accepting that so you don't wind up with dysfunction later. My ex never learned how to deal with boredom in healthy ways. He wound up drinking and eventually using drugs. He did every thing unhealthy because he never learned that life is not a non stop party. And he never learned how to be satisfied with healthy hobbies or how to be creative. Actually he's the worse example of an adult I can think of. I'm not saying you're like him but worrying about missing out on something instead of looking for other things to occupy your time can be a dangerous opening for addiction. So I'd keep an eye on that if I were you.

Not that it's wrong to go to clubs and hang out with friends. Just make sure it's not the only thing you are measuring the value of your life by.

And since when has there ever been a rule about how much or often you can hang out with a friend? Stop worrying about rules that some one else made up. They're more like guidelines for people with poor judgement. Like training wheels. But it's time to rip those training wheels off cause you don't need them.

If you like Zane I mean don't get ahead of things but don't cross him off the list of potential love interests. Maybe he doesn't see you as more than friendship material right now but the fun thing about friend ship and the future is that you can't predict what will happen. I've already been surprised many and countless times. So just work on your self, and have fun with your friends. Things will naturally fall into place.

Also if you need to sleep over at some one's house as long as the person is ok with it so what? I've had adult sleep overs. I don't know where you live but owning a car is not the only way to get around. Start asking around or looking around to see if there is any kind of transportation system at all. If not then you will kind of have to depend on others. But as long as you don't abuse their friend ship it's not really a big deal to ask for a ride.

See how you were making a mountain out of mole hills?

When you start having negative thoughts like that it's time to stop your self in your tracks and talk your way through it. It's worked for me on several occasions now.

If you're feeling paranoid or starting to freak out go some where that you can think to your self alone. (like a bathroom). Then tell your self "OK this might not be as bad as I think it is. Let me try to do (get creative and think out side of the usually box and fill in the blank) and if it doesn't work then I can (fill in the blank, my blank was go to hospital).

And if all that isn't working then go to the hospital hun. It might be a part of illness that you have no mental control over.

And if your friends ditch you just because you have an illness (that just happens to be mental) then they weren't good friends any how and you are actually way better off with out those kinds of people in your life.

Now if I were you I'd take a break from being in your head so much and over thinking every thing. Do something that is mindless for a little bit. Like watch youtube or find joke sites. You have to give your self permission to take a break from your self you know?

I love you and it's ok to feel sad and gloomy. You can't control the way you feel, but you can alter your thoughts. So just try to ride out the depression if you can for a while. take the time you need to focus on your own health and well being.

and of course always post on DS.

I hope some of that helped a little.

And good luck with zane! I"m rooting for you!

Haha you're so cute, I love you! Thank you!

You're right about Zane, I'm starting to like him more than a friend a little. The other night we went to a dive bar and played darts and we were joking and laughing and I just had an urge to touch him... In a flirtatious way... I had to take a step back and think. He's a synic! He is not a gentleman! Blue collar all the way. He said he'd hold the door for a woman if she made him a sandwich!! ( I asked him if he was a womanizer)...

But everything you said was just great and you're right too...

Guess I caught interest in the Zane part because I'm talking to him right now. Ugh!

Going out is not my top priority or anything, I would just like to do it sometimes, which is more often than now which is more like a rarity.

Sigh I need to stop eating dark chocolate, it's going to keep me up all night! Plus its an afrodesiac! Oi vey

Well you sound very isolated then. It sucks before you have freedom that a car gives you. ( I use to live in the rural hick ville. It sucked being young with no freedom. And because my mom was a control freak there was no chance for me to escape or do anything she didn't approve of. Even as an adult she (tried) to control things that shouldn't even be her business any more. All because she was allowing me to live there for cheaper then if I was on my own. But when I tried to move out she tried to stop that too. Show's her true colors huh?)

But cars are so expensive right now. I hate my little money sucking vampire. But I live in a city where you can walk and there is a bus system. (still I need the car because my kids live in hershey and while I can take a train to hershey I have no idea how I can get from the station to the school. And if I have to depend on my relatives I might as well wave good bye to any freedom I have now to see them along with my last shred of sanity.)

Don't be afraid to flirt it's a dating gold mine! Just being fun is a powerful attraction mechanism. But just take things slow and roll with the punches. You are young so don't start planning to settle down yet. A secret I would tell young girls who are listening is that you should play around so that you can sample the types of men out there and then choose from a selection. Don't be desperate or rush into something. It's raining men! You want the best one! And don't worry about little things like you don't deserve him or he's too good for you. There is no such thing. Men aren't as shallow as you think. They don't ONLY see T and A all the time. There are lots of things that men find attractive. And a man that is looking for relationship material looks for something different then what he looks for when he's just horny. So don't count out your sparkling personality. And men like a challenge so remember to make him work hard for you. Don't just give in all easily, be coy, have pride.

One final parting note. If you believe you are worth his time so will he, and if you believe you aren't worth his time neither will he. That is how men see the world. They generally don't like girls who are needy unless they are control freaks and abusive. Other wise healthy men run from girls that look desperate.

that's all stuff I had to learn the hard way. If I could go back and do things different I would have ditched that idiot, and had more fun.

I take the state bus so it's not that bad.

I am bad when it comes to men because I get needy and desperate. And I don't know how to play hard to get.

Yikes!

Zane peaked out when I tried to say something a little cute, just no response....


I'm terrible with men. I can usually get them to fall in love with me, but then I get needy. I'm just so insecure.

I almost went through with suicide 2 years ago. Now I have a podcast to help others dealing with troubles. Keep the will to live and change your mind. only you can do that

Yesterday I too was in a major suffering state of mind.

It really sucks doesn't it?

This is so stupid but true, this too shall pass. Hang in there.