Are you on any kind of medication? Maybe you need to go to the hospital it sounds like it's time and maybe seriously get some help you need to get this under control. You say that you are the one that is causing the problem. If you are bipolar your having a problem with the chemicals that help your brain to function. Those get messed up with us and the result can be unpleasant. So stop blaming yourself and start to deal with the problem. Get a doctor if you don't have one there are ways to help get things under control. I really wish all the best for you I hope you get what you need soon.

If I can't talk to you, then who the fuck else am I going to talk to??

I'm not going to the hospital, there's no way out for me. I wish I could cut myself right now. I just tried but I cant.

I really wish I could right now.

My mom knew I was depressed and in turmoil and she did nothing... Oh wait except watch our taped favorite show just her and my little sister. Fuck her! I just want to smash something

Grenadine, ((HUGS)) i know where you are, I have been there many a time. Please get help and keep talking. Please don't kill yourself. Can you call a crisis line to talk to someone?

The sad part is is I can tolerate it and I dont need to go to the hospital but I'm in agony right now and I'm just so furious. I wanted to have fun tonight, today I was in the mood for fun, then I didn't call anyone, they didn't call me, mean while I start to have a lot of anxiety, then I crawl under my sheets and stare and I get into a depression. Now I just want to mutilate my door with a hammer or cut all my hair off or get dressed up and go to the city and wander looking for trouble. These are all things I have done in the past (except the door and hammer thing). I just wish I was a different person!

Bye.

Well if you think your misery is your own fault then it's time to change that.

I know that change is hard but you have to give it a chance. Just be aware that change doesn't happen over night. It takes hard work like growing a garden or raising children.

I think that cognitive therapy is very beneficial for the problems you are having. Ask your Tdoc about it and they should be able to help you get set up for it.

In the mean time though I'd contact pdoc and get a med adjustment to bump start you in the right direction.

Some times you need both parts of the therapy to be successful, not just the medication regiment but also the therapeutic treatment as well.

I'm sorry you are so depressed right now. I just went through it yesterday. It is that time of year when people start feeling depressed either from stress or other problems that the holidays can bring with it.

Just keep posting. I will probably be following this thread. If you need something just let me know I'll try to help. Or even if you just need a shoulder to cry on I can do that too.

It's not just the holidays..... It's the weekends...... A time for young people to go out and have a good time... Only it never happens for me because I'm such a big effing loser! I have friends, not many, but my best friend lives in the next state over and I'd have to pack and plan and stat the weekend over there. My new girl who I just love, has always got something going on. We met at school this semester and we get together and chat and study Spanish. Though we have never been social together and i would have to sleep over at her house because she lives in the city and I don't have a car. My other friend I dont like so much because she's flaky but I'd have to sleep at her house too no car. Then there's Zane, he's my friend from college. We've been hanging out a lot lately. We hung out on Thursday, it's too soon to hang out with him again.... I don't want it to go in that direction he's not the dating type for me.

So at least my situation is better, last year I had 0 friends.

Still, I feel like the biggest loser on the planet every Friday and Saturday night.

I like to go our and have fun go dancing and what not but I never do! It's such a let down.

Plus I'm embarrassed because I feel like people from high school think I got super weird and loserish when The BP started.

Loser, loser, loser, loser, loser, loser

Plus getting depressed also brings me back to all my other issues and then I become immobilized with fear and anxiety.

I feel much better. No longer want to cut myself or take my anger out on a door with a hammer. Still a loser though.

Yet still I'm under my covers in my room with the lights turned off just staring..

Grenadine, you're young, you're pretty, from what I've read when I've come across your posts you seem to be very caring, compassionate and smart.
I also understand and have given into the temptation of cutting/harming myself at certain times. The relief is temporary and the scars are not.
I remember what it feels like to be lonely at your age, lonely and left out of activities by others that don't understand the illness or have no desire to learn about it.
You sound to me like you're walking a tight rope and can topple either way. If you feel that the urge is so strong to cut than I suggest you mention to your mother to take you to ER. I know you want to go there, I hate the place myself. However often that is the smart and safe choice. There have been times there where despite having no emotional connection to the staff or psychiatrist I've found comfort in other patients.
The choice is ultimately yours to make. I sincerely hope you do seek help and quickly.

Part of your problem is all of your negative self talk. You are NOT a loser. Your illness is in control of you right and the first thing you need to do about it is get help for yourself as quickly as possible. Long term help. You need both medication and therapy to have a chance at a happy life. Suicide and feeling like this forever are not . viable options and wouldn't be fair to others. Don't worry so much if you are alone on a Friday and Saturday...Worry, that you are unhappy and hate yourself. That's the real issue. Pleas get help. It really works and listen to people that try to help you. Life is not as bad as it seems right now. I've been where you're at and now I'm much better because I was very diligent about getting as much help as I could. You are responsible for getting help for yourself. That's what it comes down to. Please, don't accept the depression and feelings of pain you are experiencing. Do something about it now, even though you feel better for the time being.

It gets better. I've been suicidal and I'm so glad I didn''t do it. Because, my life has been a lot better since and I've been able to help others with this insidious disease.

Help yourself, kid. You are your own best friend and your own worst enemy.

Thanks Voltaire, I appreciate what you said. Thankfully the need and want to cut has subsided. Plus whenever I try, I can never go through with it.