This is a journal I posted today.

But I am just scared that I am going to do something to myself. I really don't want to but the last time that I felt like this I overdosed on a lot of meds that could have kept me dead. (I flat lined twice when i did this) But I just really need help with this. I have nowhere else to go for the night or anything. Right now I am sitting up in my room with my door closed and my bed right in front of my door so that nobody can get in here. My brother has done this before to me and he actually did chase me down with a Butcher Knife. Thank GOD that my uncle was there for that one. But that was when I was 16 (so 4 years ago) I just really need someone to talk to right now. SO PLEASE. I DON'T ASK FOR MUCH FROM PEOPLE ANYMORE BUT I AM JUST SCARED THAT I MIGHT TRY SOMETHING I WILL REGRET. I JUST NEED TO VENT PLEASE ANYONE. (NO OFFENSE OR ANYTHING BUT PREFERABLY A FEMALE)



I AM DONE WITH EVERYTHING. I AM HAVING A VERY STRESSFUL DAY AND IT HAS ONLY GOTTEN WORSE SINCE MY ASS OF A BROTHER GOT HOME FROM WORK. HE THREATENED TO KILL ME AND I TOLD HIM TO JUST DO IT AND NOT SAY IT AND TO PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY. MY LIFE SUCKS AND I NO LONGER WANT TO BE HERE AT HOME. I TEXTED A FRIEND OF MINE AND TOLD HER THAT I WAS LEAVING THE STATE AND POSSIBLY THE COUNTRY. I DON'T KNOW WHERE I WOULD GO BUT I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE. I SAW MY COUNSELOR TODAY AND SHE REALLY DIDN'T HELP MUCH. BUT I TOLD MY FRIEND THAT I WAS LEAVING EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE BEHIND. I AM GETTING SICK AND TIRED OF HELPING PEOPLE AND THEN GETTING TREATED LIKE I AM A PIECE OF TRASH. BUT HOW CAN I FORGET THAT IS FUCKING NORMAL HERE. I WISH IT WOULD ALL JUST END AND NEVER COME BACK TO ME. I AM MISERABLE AS HELL LIVING HERE. I HAVE TO MANY MENTAL AND PHYSICAL ISSUES AND CANNOT MOVE FROM MY MOMS HOUSE SO I'M JUST GOING TO RUN AWAY. I MIGHT BE 20 YEARS OLD BUT I CAN STILL DO IT AND I AM NOT AFRAID TO EITHER. I DONE IT BEFORE. THE FIRST TIME I RAN AWAY I WAS GONE FOR A YEAR. GOT WITH THE WRONG GUY GOT PREGNANT, HAD A BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL AND I ABANDONED HER AT A CHURCH. I WAS 14 YEARS OLD. I WAS HEAVILY INTO DRUGS, CONSTANTLY DRINKING, I WAS DOING DRUGS WHILE I WAS PREGNANT. THEN I GOT SICK AND TIRED OF RUNNING FROM MY PROBLEMS AND WENT BACK HOME. SPENT ALOT OF TIME IN THE DETENTION CENTER AND STRAIGHT TO REHAB FOR 8 MONTHS. SOBERED UP (NOT REALLY BUT AS FAR AS THEY KNEW I WAS CLEAN AND DOING EVERYTHING THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO) UNTIL I GOT OFF OF PROBATION AND IT ALL STARTED AGAIN. BUT NOW THAT I AM AN ADULT I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT SPENDING TIME IN THE DETENTION CENTER OR BEING PUT ON PROBATION. I AM NOT A CHILD ANYMORE AND NOBODY UNDERSTANDS THAT. SCREW IT ALL. I AM DONE WITH EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY, I AM SORRY TO SAY IT AND ALL BUT THAT DOES INCLUDE MY FIANCE.