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I didn't realize how bad he was abused as a child!
I have been w/ my BF a little over a year but it wasn't until last night that I found out the details of the sexual abuse and why I feel like Im always pressuring him to have sex. The thing is I want sex and he doesnt and I only get to spend time with him once a month, so I assumed my 29 year-old BF would be raring and ready to go when we spend a couple of nights together. I didnt fully understand what the problem was; I took it as Im not sexually attractive to him anymore.
The problem is he also a newly recovering drug addict and he was molested as a child, and lives 1 away trying to get sober. My problem is Im a bi-polar with a hyper active sex drive, and a try to get a handle on my codependency issues. So yes we are probably not the best couple but we really love each other.
When he first told me he was molested, which I thought that meant he was touched inappropriately. I found out last night after a huge fight after I made the comment that something has to change with our sex life it was during this fight he finally told me what happened to him. His babysitter and her husband would take turns have sex with him while his mom was at work on a regular basis. He then went on to tell me that he really has to try really hard to work through the memories of the sexual abuse before we can be intimate that or just get high and then he is willing to have sex.
He also told me that even though I find him sexy as hell, he as issues even getting naked and he is not ok with his self-image. He also told me that he has trouble initiating sex, and that Im going to have to initiate when I want sex. I know that he just explained more of the details, but I still feel really bad about forcing the issue as much as I did. I feel like I bring those memories back with the way I get him to have sex with me, because I have kind of forced him to have sex with me. It has been in a sort of predatory manner. So of course after learning all this I feel like piece of poop.
Is there information out there on how I can better understand what he is dealing with, and what I can do to be more supportive of his needs?
I have been w/ my BF a little over a year but it wasn't until last night that I found out the details of the sexual abuse and why I feel like Im always pressuring him to have sex. The thing is I want sex and he doesnt and I only get to spend time with him once a month, so I assumed my 29 year-old BF would be raring and ready to go when we spend a couple of nights together. I didnt fully understand what the problem was; I took it as Im not sexually attractive to him anymore.
The problem is he also a newly recovering drug addict and he was molested as a child, and lives 1 away trying to get sober. My problem is Im a bi-polar with a hyper active sex drive, and a try to get a handle on my codependency issues. So yes we are probably not the best couple but we really love each other.
When he first told me he was molested, which I thought that meant he was touched inappropriately. I found out last night after a huge fight after I made the comment that something has to change with our sex life it was during this fight he finally told me what happened to him. His babysitter and her husband would take turns have sex with him while his mom was at work on a regular basis. He then went on to tell me that he really has to try really hard to work through the memories of the sexual abuse before we can be intimate that or just get high and then he is willing to have sex.
He also told me that even though I find him sexy as hell, he as issues even getting naked and he is not ok with his self-image. He also told me that he has trouble initiating sex, and that Im going to have to initiate when I want sex. I know that he just explained more of the details, but I still feel really bad about forcing the issue as much as I did. I feel like I bring those memories back with the way I get him to have sex with me, because I have kind of forced him to have sex with me. It has been in a sort of predatory manner. So of course after learning all this I feel like piece of poop.
Is there information out there on how I can better understand what he is dealing with, and what I can do to be more supportive of his needs?
There is a sexual abuse page here on DS . . . . will go see if I can find it
Shutting up now
Currently I've been off my meds since June 24 due to the fact that I lost my health insurance, but when I'm on them my sex drive is fine. It is nothing like it was years ago. I just got my health insurance so I have an appointment with my doctor so I can get back on my bi- polar meds.
I just think he is so damn sexy that when I want him badly :) My sex drive is not an isuntiltill we are together .The first time we had sex we did like 4 or 5 times that day but then again that day it was all new.
It is a process that I am willing to work through. I just need to work on my false belief the Love = Sex and that if sex if he's not in the mood doesn't mean he doesn't love me or want me anymore or that he is with someone else..
The first thing you have to try to remember is that his issues with sex have nothing to do with you and whether he finds you attractive or not, some of the difficulties for a male dealing with this kind of abuse are different than they are for our female counter parts.
In addition to the pain, shame and feeling of humiliation of the abuse, it can make a man question his own masculinity and sexual identity (especially if the abuser was another male and what emotional and verbal abuse that went along with the sexual abuse).
For these reasons there are many men who never come out and tell anyone that they have been through this abuse.
I have spent alot of years in therapy and working in my own spiritual practice to over come the affects of the abuse that I survived and learning how to share it with the people that I have been in intimate relationships with. Even after all the work that I have done I still am not the one who initiates sex in my relationships most of the time.
If I were to offer any advice it would be simply this. 1) Be Patient, I know this can be difficult and frustrating, trust me "We" get that that, it's frustrating for us as well. 2) Try not to take this personally, again not easy. We all need that attention.
I'm sure he does love you a great deal or he would have never opened up and shared his pain with you and it doesn't matter that it was after a fight, if he didn't love you he would have said nothing a walk out of your life.
I hope this helps
WW