Bipolar Disorder Support Group
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I need to make a long story short, but I so need your advise and help, and I don't know if this is the right place, but I need some help to see if I am thinking clearly or need my meds taken up a bit.
I'm in my late 40s I raised 6 boys, 2 of them my Sisters, I have always been a little ocd so I have got things done, and have only one teen left at home.Time for some me time right?
I was invited to Thanksgiving dinner with my Neice and Family, I bought my ticket and am flying alone across country, I'm happy and not even manic much, that is untill a few days ago, when I was told by 1. my Niece and 2. nephew and 3. my sister, that they can not afford to feed everyone.. so I am thinking ok, who's everyone? I am going to be 1 person (finally)after 30 years of putting on the Holiday functions paying for all of it,cooking all of it, cleaning, and everyone stayed at my home I, was 7 people for so many years, I knew where ever we went, whatever I did, I would be the majority of people so I always footed the bills, so now i am (ONE)
My Nieces and nephews, that I kept every summer have 5 kids and husband each, thats 7 and 7, my sister has her husband thats 2, my nephew a girlfriend and her child thats 3, and I feel like they are all looking at me to foot the bill for the holiday meals...I don't know if this is a overreaction, so I told them all, that I am more than happy to bring my fair share of food and drink, gifts for the kids, but it's seems a little off to expect me to foot the entire bill, and to do all that I used to do in there home? since then no- one has contacted me. I will be getting on the plain tomarrow, and I am not sure how to handle this? am I nuts? what do I do, say and how do I do and say it? They each have given me long lists of what to bring, and did not hear what I said?
Thanks
Mijken
I'm in my late 40s I raised 6 boys, 2 of them my Sisters, I have always been a little ocd so I have got things done, and have only one teen left at home.Time for some me time right?
I was invited to Thanksgiving dinner with my Neice and Family, I bought my ticket and am flying alone across country, I'm happy and not even manic much, that is untill a few days ago, when I was told by 1. my Niece and 2. nephew and 3. my sister, that they can not afford to feed everyone.. so I am thinking ok, who's everyone? I am going to be 1 person (finally)after 30 years of putting on the Holiday functions paying for all of it,cooking all of it, cleaning, and everyone stayed at my home I, was 7 people for so many years, I knew where ever we went, whatever I did, I would be the majority of people so I always footed the bills, so now i am (ONE)
My Nieces and nephews, that I kept every summer have 5 kids and husband each, thats 7 and 7, my sister has her husband thats 2, my nephew a girlfriend and her child thats 3, and I feel like they are all looking at me to foot the bill for the holiday meals...I don't know if this is a overreaction, so I told them all, that I am more than happy to bring my fair share of food and drink, gifts for the kids, but it's seems a little off to expect me to foot the entire bill, and to do all that I used to do in there home? since then no- one has contacted me. I will be getting on the plain tomarrow, and I am not sure how to handle this? am I nuts? what do I do, say and how do I do and say it? They each have given me long lists of what to bring, and did not hear what I said?
Thanks
Mijken
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Here is my new brother, copper :) He's so tiny! Moo and Tuck were ok with him on first meeting. Rocket due to his severe aggression will never meet Cooper.
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https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTDeA9Wxg/
I would explain, if an exploanation is actually necessary, that I have always done dinner and they invited me this year. I wouls telll them you just can't afford to do ito do it all anymore and that iI'd be happy to assist in making the food but I am not bringing everything.
Is it possible that they gave you a list to just choose one or two things from? Do you have the relationsship with your niece where you can ask her what she expects from you?
Like I said, it's a tricky situation. I would just be honest and ask them what they expect from you. Good luck and I hope you have a great holiday despit your feeling like you do.
I think of boundries as fences, in a good place - with good people, and can let my guard down, and step over the little fence.
With my selfish, dysfunctional family - I have a 6 foot, solid wood BIG fence : )
You should not pick up the bill - they need to learn there own lessons, whether to go or not? You choice, I would - gives them the opportunity to do the right thing, or wrong... you are not responsible for their choices - nor should take them personally..
That being said, the whole thing IS uncomfortable, and I prefer to be uncomfortable with growing pains, then to feel like shit not trying or living!
Empty nest, and footing the bill? You my dear are changing and creating a new life - don't let them take advantage of you! Not good for their character, or yours (((BIG HUG)))
Nice to meet you! I am a bit wordy LOL
My hands are shaking so much right now that I'm having a hard time typing.
First let me say that I am estranged from my mother going on 20 yrs now and I want you to know that I hurt over that and hardly a day goes by that I don't think of her. Your son loves you I'm sure. He's just dealing with his own issues and perhaps does not wish to complicate your life further.
That said, I can see that you are a natural born nurturer and this is never an easy row to hoe. Family is family after all. I can see that you were excited about visiting over the holidays. Too bad they had to throw you a curve at a time like this but like you say..."it's me time".
You already have the ticket and leave soon so you likely cannot get your money back and save yourself the drama that may be waiting there.
You have done your part. You've let them know what they can expect from you and they have, rudely I might add, chosen not to respond. It may be paranoia but I'm sure all three of them have discussed your expressed intentions so there is no reason they should not have called and just tell you to come as you are and enjoy "their" hospitality for a change.
So go. Stick to your guns. Gifts for the children and maybe 40-50 dollars for your portion on the table. Offer to help if you wish. Maybe just keeping the kids occupied while the adults are preparing for the feast.
Keep your cool, smile and observe. If it is as you think and they expect you to be the host and responsible for their successful holiday affair in their own home then just let them know you did mention what they can expect before you got there and let them deal with it. Or you can just be the person you can't help being and roll up your sleeves and get busy, busy, busy and pull off the greatest festival they ever had.
In the end you will be flying back home with a better understanding of who these people are to you. Better yet you will be able to spend more "me" time the way you wish and require to make the best of your life's situation.
I wish you the best on this journey mijken. Remember, smile and observe. Listen and learn. This is about you not them.
Peace
fdl
We teach people how to treat us.....
Your in my prayers and wishing you peace and relief ASAP, or at least a good time!
This must be hurtful... The almighty buck can be a stressor for sure.. I've been in a similar situation about being able to pay for things (in the past now) and I used to get phone calls 'the kids need clothes... my niece wasn't able to take a dance class due to money etc and of course it was expected that I step up and foot the bill and I did.. It sounds like this may be what's happening to you??
I think being forthright confronting this is the best you can do.. It seems to me from what I'm reading they're hoping you'll foot the bill and until you stop doing it they'll probably keep on 'hinting'
As others have said here I would offer to chip in for your portion or bring a couple of things.. If it were me I'd probably try and ignore the discomfort for this year unless you need to be forthright.. Hopefully when you've been clear this won't happen again... If it were me once arrived I would simply ask' would you rather have me pick up a couple of items or give you some money for my share?"
I think they did hear what you've said but have chosen to ignore it thus far..
I hope you're able to have a nice Thanksgiving sweetie.. I hope you can stick to your guns.. Next Thanksgiving might be a lot nicer for you if you can...xo