Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
I think it's safe to say depression's in full swing. My god I hope this doesn't last.
I 'ave disgustingly hateful thoughts swirling around my head. Things that aren't acceptable by any stretch of the imagination. [I won't disclose them] I've mastered self control quite considerably and I have no intentions of spewing this poison unto anyone. I thought it'd gone away, this... Unsavory side of me. This sounds mentally unsound but hear me out. I thought I was possessed, not in a literal way, or a way that one would think. I believe in law of proximity, it's hard to explain in short but basically I don't believe that people are possessed by "demons", well, rarely. I think it's my own energy that just was dormant until triggered, something that's a very small part to a larger whole, so by itself it isn't recognized, it seems a caricature of a natural emotion, unnatural.
So to call it a foreign entity would be incorrect. It's a part of me no matter how warped or ugly. But I don't like it at ALL and my brain chemicals have a way of gouging out the very worst and bringing it out just beneath the surface.
I feel this hatefulness contaminating my view of the world. When I'm this way I look at beautiful people with disgust. And it scares the shit out of me to see myself thinking the same sorts of things I see lowly people saying to worthy, valuable people.
All I can really do is recluse until it tides over. I haven't said let anything exceedingly foul slip in a very long time, I feel like if it happened it'd be a shameful relapse. But it's still terrible. I haven't had thoughts this downright shitty since withdrawaling from smack [which was a one-time thing].
I don't know where I was going with that but yea. Since I feel dumb not knowing what kind of advice to ask for on that I'll leave it open to interpretation and close with this: Don't feel guilty for thinking fucked up thoughts even if they're unjustified and horrible. Thoughts make a person in some aspects, but a lot of it is an exaggerated version of your own personal truth, so it's not really a "truth" you believe at all. The thing that keeps me from going off on specific people is that very rarely do I think of them in such a low regard and when I do I know it's my mind's shadow tricks, but because sharp words have such a resounding impact, it'd seem that way.
I 'ave disgustingly hateful thoughts swirling around my head. Things that aren't acceptable by any stretch of the imagination. [I won't disclose them] I've mastered self control quite considerably and I have no intentions of spewing this poison unto anyone. I thought it'd gone away, this... Unsavory side of me. This sounds mentally unsound but hear me out. I thought I was possessed, not in a literal way, or a way that one would think. I believe in law of proximity, it's hard to explain in short but basically I don't believe that people are possessed by "demons", well, rarely. I think it's my own energy that just was dormant until triggered, something that's a very small part to a larger whole, so by itself it isn't recognized, it seems a caricature of a natural emotion, unnatural.
So to call it a foreign entity would be incorrect. It's a part of me no matter how warped or ugly. But I don't like it at ALL and my brain chemicals have a way of gouging out the very worst and bringing it out just beneath the surface.
I feel this hatefulness contaminating my view of the world. When I'm this way I look at beautiful people with disgust. And it scares the shit out of me to see myself thinking the same sorts of things I see lowly people saying to worthy, valuable people.
All I can really do is recluse until it tides over. I haven't said let anything exceedingly foul slip in a very long time, I feel like if it happened it'd be a shameful relapse. But it's still terrible. I haven't had thoughts this downright shitty since withdrawaling from smack [which was a one-time thing].
I don't know where I was going with that but yea. Since I feel dumb not knowing what kind of advice to ask for on that I'll leave it open to interpretation and close with this: Don't feel guilty for thinking fucked up thoughts even if they're unjustified and horrible. Thoughts make a person in some aspects, but a lot of it is an exaggerated version of your own personal truth, so it's not really a "truth" you believe at all. The thing that keeps me from going off on specific people is that very rarely do I think of them in such a low regard and when I do I know it's my mind's shadow tricks, but because sharp words have such a resounding impact, it'd seem that way.
But yeah, I mean it sounds like nasty depression. Know when to throw in the towel. Sometimes you need a med fix, as much as I totally hate that shit. Sometimes it is in order. If you don't ask for help you'll ruin yourself in a way you never wanted. The thoughts, I mean, yeah, maybe they will pass but for now you're dealing with them. They are uncomfortable and they aren't you. You can try and tune them out, keep them at bay. Focus on something else. Do something physical, work.
In the end I really think it's a good idea to seek of medical advice on this. I hate it the way everyone on this board says that but in this case it's probably the best.
just tried workin a full time job & it was kind of a good thing it didnt work out cause it was makin me somethin i wasnt. angry and unhappy. havin ta tell people things i dont like ta say. i was a mess in the brain. of course ya dont like it. dont think many do. the only thing i can say is try ta avoid situations that antagonize it.
yeah meds suck, but the alternative (for me, suicidal psychosis) is worse.
In life, especially dealing with Bipolar, but life in general - we are either getting better or worse..
If your getting worse, you need more help - professional help, its not easy, cheap, to get better. Its hard work, fighting for the life we deserve - suffering, is getting worse ((((BIG HUG))))
Exactly what I was trying to say.
We are only as sick as our secrets . Stop withholding and open up to you pdoc . They are not judging you they are for you well being .
I hope you understand me and not feel upset . (((hug)))
I think the ability to concoct medicines is to help us. It's something we're meant to have, not some big pharma bastard child [although it's that too in many ways]. Chemistry fucking fascinates me, I love it because I know I'll never fully understand it.
Although science and chemistry is something I believe in, I think we're [humans] poorly equipped in our limited knowledge of the brain's workings to yield the power of these potent chemicals properly, and I've seen psych meds go wrong more often than I've see them go completely right. /:
My definition of a medicine being beneficial is "Does it not only help you get by but also improve your life with time?" Mine doesn't, lol. So. I think maybe a re-adjustment would be appropriate.
Wild-n-untamed- Thanks and I'm sorry your job exacerbated your symptoms, that sucks man. That's what I'm afraid of. Don't be discouraged, maybe a different line of work would make all the difference in the universe.
I don't have a pdoc augh D: I go to a sliding scale clinic. Since I'm not insured I'm afraid if I insist I'm reeeeeally bad I'll get hauled off to the state hospital.
I was 10-13'd at the hospital two or three months ago. The psych-eval guy comes in with his clipboard [I'm groggy because the nurse gave me Seroquel, which does that], I don't remember the whole conversation but he asked "So do you think you'll hurt yourself, what's your game plan for your meds?" And I said "If I don't have my meds I'll probably hurt myself eventually, yeah." And fell back asleep. I got woken up an hour later by the nurse, I was discharged and told to go to the sliding scale clinic.
But also I haven't had suicidal or self-injurious thoughts much lately. My over-analysis of things overrides my impulsive tendancies lately.
I'm not a big advocate of being drugged up til you're at some imaginary baseline. Instead I'm a believer in taking just as much as you need to get by. It's cool how you accept drugs because we all should. I accept them. I still hate them and think they're poison for the most part. lol. Seriously. Oh, and my username is a combination of my first and last name.
get yourself right enough and get on with your life if you can. That's always been my own motto. This illness is a huge pain in the ass. It is fascinating as shit but things like nasty thoughts will keep you out of the game and they can get worse.
that's it. message me if you want.