Not to sound all *womp womp* but everything lately centers around my depression. From about... Not immediately after I get up, but maybe an hour or so after, off and on until I try to retire to sleep, it's like having an elephant on my chest. It's actually hard to breathe and it panics me because I have a suffocation phobia. I've been huffing and puffing on my steroid inhaler all day the way most college-age kids would be carrying their weed pipe around.

My black-and-white thinking is pretty rampant, half the time my thoughts are consumed with conspiracy and vitriol, just paranoid, cultish, and morbid this-and-that, and then at other times I think, "What? That's insane, I don't believe that at all. I'm not about that."

I want to self-injure almost constantly and I feel I'd be better off using it as a temporary coping mechanism, but I don't have the energy to hide it and I know the other person in the house would send me directly to the state hospital if she saw any evidence on me.

My ability to enjoy anything is compromised beyond repair, it seems. I have friends ringing me up and texting me, asking why we can't hang out. I... Really should be grateful anyone wants to see me at allllll considering how mean and depressed I've been, aside from having so few friends, but I just don't have the energy or will. I can't make myself care.

The few people who still text me first are actually really, REALLY cool people, and I can't even get myself up out of bed to get ready to spend a day with them. I'm terrible.

I have... Weird thoughts about surgical fantasies, I can't explain them to anyone without sounding like a loon with no tether to reality. I told my mum I'd like to be a skeleton because without skin and organs I wouldn't have the visceral pain or bizarre "This isn't my body" feeling I always have, and she (who suffers from severe scoliosis and other skeletal conditions) snapped at me that people can suffer horrendous spinal pain, which made me feel like an asshole because I wasn't even thinking about it that way. It made sense to me in a different way that doesn't make sense if I over-think it in logical medical terms.

I don't know what to do about all of this, I guess. I haven't been this depressed in more than a year, I'm suicidal constantly but I don't want to deal with the mess of precision and consequence. What's the next best thing that isn't inpatient psychiatric help? (Or if you feel "second best" won't do, you can let me know that, too. Whichever.) I'm considering being medicated again, which I haven't even considered a personal option since earlier this year.

Edit: It's 12:33am in the States, eastern time. Sorry about starting off Positive Monday or whatever all fucked-up. I'll think up a positivity thread to post later that'll balance out the darkness in this one.