Shhhhh...

Been there done that, luv.

You're strong, you'll get through it... it's taken me thirty-something years, and I'm only JUST learning to make the necessary adjustments.

(and that doesn't mean I never fail).

thanks.,
i just cant handle that mindless window of reckless abandonment.

anything could happen but at the time i just dont CARE. its scary in retrospect.

I sent you a private message.

You are aware of the problem. That is the first step. You are very together and I admire your strength.

DON'T GIVE UP!

It is scary. I've been homicidal and suicidal and just didn't want to live.

Today even though I am in pain physically and mentally I want to live.

Life changes too quickly and is too short to short change myself.

I have been scared of myself and angry too. You're in my thoughts.

i wind up in places ive never been with people ive never met with no money and no phone and no way to get home.

i go out on thursday - and come home on monday morning having not slept in days or eaten or spoke to anybody..

how im not dead is beyond me.

(((((Mush)))))~~

What the heck are you doing to yourself??

There is a difference between the mindless window or reckless abandonment and the the stupidity of eminent danger!!

Why not plan out a weekend with excitement and safety?

I guess what I'm getting at is are you the victim of a lack of prior planning or do you not plan intentionally so things will get on the wild side?

I dont know. I genuinely dont even know. Nobody cares about me, so I don't care about me either go into a mindset of invincibility and do whatever. I think a part of me wants something awful to happen to shock me into wanting to care. Even being nearly raped, being stuck hundreds of miles from home. Nothing makes me want to care :( only I care but at the wrong time :(

Nothing makes sense anymore

I think that is called, "Incomprehensible Demoralization!"

Been there and done that.

You are the very antithesis of a stupid child.

There's no way you can go out and do dangerous and/or stupid things and then feel wonderful about it later, when you're back in your right mind. (Or at least in better shape than when you were indulging in them)

And I can't deny that it's really hard to not blame the less than healthy actions you take on the real you.
The real you who knows better and who makes wiser choices and who does not indulge in behavior that cheapens your value.

And it's true that you will probably have to bear the brunt of responsibility for everything you do.
And suffer the consequences -- which can be quite substantial.

If your true nature was to take the chances you do and do things that degrade you and may ultimately prove disastrous, you wouldn't later be angry at yourself, or hate yourself, or cry because of a deep sense of regret.

Even if you can't shake the emotions that go with blaming yourself, please do your best to keep your focus on your mind and keep telling yourself that you have an illness that drives you to that behavior and/or blinds you to the fact that you are making a bad choice.

As to not behaving badly, sigh.
Just do the best you can, mush.
If, when you're in your right mind, you can think of any helpful measures that might lessen the severity of the problem, put them into place.

But I think it's going to continue to be a very real threat.

You need TREATMENT.
Unless they start giving you the care that you so obviously need, I fear that the risky behavior will happen occasionally.

About all I can do is keep hoping and wishing that nothing really terrible comes from it.

I'm so sorry, mush.
It's none of your doing that you can't get help and it's so unfair and just totally wrong!!!

I hope your brain chems behave for a good, long while now!!!!
Stay as safe as you can!!!

((((((((((Hugs)))))))))

Well at least you're aware.. I had many close calls when younger and did some outrageous stuff.. I wandered off for days with people I didn't know.. I wandered out into the woods alone at 2am.. I inherited someone I didn't know and he stayed on my sofa for three days.. and many many more things that I wont say here..

I think it goes with the living out loud part of bp.. if you can make it thru and don't self destruct.. you will find you will start making better decisions further into your twenties and you should slow down a bit.

I never had a dx young.. I thought I was just more wild than most.. I wasnt suicidal either so that helped the lack of dx until I got older.. you have this pressure of all of the realizations.. I just loved living on the edge.. didn't think there was a need for medication.. suppose its how you look at it.. but at the end of the day beating yourself up.. you said isn't changing the outcome.. go easy on you.. handle yourself with kindness and maybe you will want to experience life differently

Are you close to a mall? Go sit in one of the chairs or tables. If you can afford it buy a coke or coffee and just watch the people.

Take a hot shower.

Do you have many feel good "chick flick" dvds? Steel agnolias, Hope Floats? etc watch those.

Can you call a pdoc for meds tweak???

Hugs

Don't be angry with yourself; impulsiveness is just the very core of BP. Unfortunately, it's how we're wired. Which blows because we hurt ourselves time and again.

Try to talk yourself down & remember that this crap state will pass. xxx

Hey mush. Please don't call yourself a stupid child. I was a lot like you in my youth...and prolly could say the same of myself back then. You are obviously being protected in this life for some purpose ahead.

The cycle of being reckless, out of control and often in danger is followed by self recrimination, doubt and despair. It the the bipolar cycle of mania followed by depression.

Maybe you have a little self destruction mixed in. I know I did and still battle that on another front.

I did some crazy things in my youth. No meds. No diagnosis. Going off with strange men, hellbent on adventure and fun, sometimes with no money and certainly no cell phone, as they did not yet exist.

No one new or cared where I was. I am blessed not to be buried in a shallow grave in Tennessee.

I was raped twice. Almost raped and promised by the man that he would kill me.

I figured out how to stop getting into trouble after a while. You have an awareness, so that is a start. I found friends with a little more purpose in life too. That also helped.

Here is a rule of thumb: Nothing good happens after 1 a.m. Trust me on that one!!!

xoxo

ps: check in with us here...let us know how you are doing, because we do care.

thankyou everyone for the responses they're very helpful.
sometimes i feel like the only kid in the world dealing with this shit.

i know i am not stable. i havent got any medication or any pdoc as some of you are aware its very difficult for me to find help in my area.

i hope some day i will receive the support i need and the medication i clearly need to remain stable and safe and happy.

i am scared and incredibly anxious. i can barely trust myself and i hate to think of how i am at the times when i am completely out of control. i must look like an absolute dear in the headlights, my eyes wide and my mouth wired and talking profusely.

i put duct tape over my mouth this weekend to stop myself talking because i was making myself angry with the constant stream of irrelevant and incomprehensible blabber that was spilling out of my mouth. i feel sorry in hindsight for people in my company. and
jeeze its just horrific.

but thanks anyway. xx