Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
Up until the age of 40 I had a fairly normal life. I had a career I loved. A husband I loved. Friends I loved. Then in 2005 I had a manic psychotic episode that landed me in jail/hospital and I lost everything. I scared off my husband. I scared off my friends. I lost my house. I lost my money. My immediate family barely stayed by my side.
Since then it's been a roller coaster. I had to go on disability. About every 3 years I end up having psychotic mixed episodes that involve jail time and/or hospital time. The things I have done have been humiliating and hurtful. After every episode I have to reconstruct my life.
Consequently I've become a recluse. I have no confidence. The med cocktail I'm on is working for now, but I stay mostly "down", which is the "safe" place for me to be since I have hair trigger mania. I've gained a lot of weight, and if I exercise I run the risk of going manic. I have no friends. Zero. Partly because of the stigma of this illness and partly because I keep losing any new ones I make when I have another episode.
I've tried psychotherapy and it really didn't help other than it taught me to live in the moment. I've tried volunteer work but alot of places won't let you volunteer if you have an arrest record. Also I'm finding it harder and harder to relate to people.
I'm so lonely it hurts sometimes. I miss hugs. I miss laughter the most. I use to be a funny person, and I have tried to use my humor in coping with this illness, but life is just soooo different than it was ten years ago. I'm not even interested in any of the things that use to bring me joy. Life is simpler now, but sad. I am a humbler person.
How do you make friends and create a life again when your illness is so destructive?? Every time I start over again I lose it all again and I'm so tired of the pain.
Since then it's been a roller coaster. I had to go on disability. About every 3 years I end up having psychotic mixed episodes that involve jail time and/or hospital time. The things I have done have been humiliating and hurtful. After every episode I have to reconstruct my life.
Consequently I've become a recluse. I have no confidence. The med cocktail I'm on is working for now, but I stay mostly "down", which is the "safe" place for me to be since I have hair trigger mania. I've gained a lot of weight, and if I exercise I run the risk of going manic. I have no friends. Zero. Partly because of the stigma of this illness and partly because I keep losing any new ones I make when I have another episode.
I've tried psychotherapy and it really didn't help other than it taught me to live in the moment. I've tried volunteer work but alot of places won't let you volunteer if you have an arrest record. Also I'm finding it harder and harder to relate to people.
I'm so lonely it hurts sometimes. I miss hugs. I miss laughter the most. I use to be a funny person, and I have tried to use my humor in coping with this illness, but life is just soooo different than it was ten years ago. I'm not even interested in any of the things that use to bring me joy. Life is simpler now, but sad. I am a humbler person.
How do you make friends and create a life again when your illness is so destructive?? Every time I start over again I lose it all again and I'm so tired of the pain.
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I find myself going places in the car and not wanting to get out of the car. I come back home and I don't want to get out of the car. I think it's the only time I spend reflecting. Chronic tiredness from Long Covid plus the immunosupressing meds for my Crohn's is slowing me down but everything just seems a massive effort. I am dealing with the paperwork following my father's death but it's not...
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Wow, it's the middle of the week already!Today is our 11 year anniversary, so we're going out to a nice dinner. I'm losing a lot of sleep these days, hence a wonky schedule and uncomfortable feelings. But I know it will pass, eventually.I hope all of you have a peaceful day, and may good things come your way!
I am BP1 btw, but do not rapid cycle. My last manic high saw me jailed too, on five occasions and hospitalised 3 times. This was followed by the deepest depression ever that lasted for 2 years.
When I felt better, although still lacking confidence and enthusiasm, I started working closely with my doc and started taking lithium regularly. Also, through Daily Strength I began to learn that it is important to manage stability. When I was on an even keel my doctor reduced my Lithium intake to a very low blood count. After a while my thoughts began to race a little and doc put up the lithium dose. This stabilised me, but also deadened my enthusiasm and natural energy. So now, together we balance the dose to try to keep me stable.
I am not saying that this will work for every beeper. Some have no choice but to take continually a mood stabiliser whatever one that may be.
I too use to think I had certain triggers that started an episode. Relationships for one, but now, I think, I was only getting involved with new relationship because I was on the road to new high. And further more, why should I give up on meeting a new partner, or music or exercising on my bike or being humorous just because I'm bp?
Again, like you, I have often sat here and thought where have all my friends gone? Oh I how I wish I call a girl to come on over for a chat and hugs. I was so lonely and down I did not even love myself any more and it was oh poor me, bipolar has ruined my life. But I realised that even me, myself had not really come to terms with my illness. When I did, I started loving me again and then found it easy to love and care for others. I also found that some of my family members where as confused and scared about my illness as I was, so how can I blame them for staying away?
I can never get back the things I lost, my wife, those good jobs, some friends and all that money. That's gone, that's the past end of. But what I can do now and tomorrow is to continue to learn how to manage things. So get out there running, loose some weight, but work closely with your doc on your mood condition. Good luck.
My name is Dave and I'm Bi Polar.
Sorry for your losses. It must be devastating to lose a life you loved. I wonder... Is there no way to have, arrest records expunged since you have a mental illness? Wouldn't that allow you to volunteer somewhere.?
I think I can really relate to your situation. Before the onset of my illness, I was third year in a PhD program and had just received an Honors score on my departmental prelim exam for the first time in 100 years at The University of Chicago. I had friends, I loved my program, I laughed all the time and was generally excited about life and its possibilities.
Twenty-one years later... I am for the most part isolated (though living with my 93-year old mother) and extremely lonely. I haven't worked in years after a decade of trying to get into various kinds of jobs -- but each time, my symptoms would return with a vengeance and each time it seemed to take longer and longer to recover!
I try to be grateful for the little things now... though I wish I could do better. Unlike you, I have more depression than mania... and a tremendous amount of fatigue all the time, though I do everything for a healthy lifestyle.
I have a police record also, which I believe I can have expunged, but I heard that takes several hundred dollars, which I can't afford now. Anyway, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you're having such a rough time of it... but things can get better... just take one step at a time, I guess. :-)