Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
I am writing this, not for an answer really but just because I can. If you dont know me, ask mojo,, he will tell you I am good..
Yea, I have had so much shit, not even my own and I have failed everyone. I am drinking right now and not even drunk and cant believe I am writing this.. I am so fucking sad and have been for awhile..
I dont really want to die and when I become Manic again Im sure I can give you a lot of help cause thats when it seems I help everyone but when I am so fucking down, obviously I cant even help myself..
Im not getting any younger and I am in my late 50s and suffered this fucking disease, all my life. Yea I have been the fucking cutter, and I have been on the other side where I walk into the home town bar, had a couple drinks and was always the life of the party. Now that I am old and I cant decipher which is worse. The being *up on life* having a few drinks and finding that man I always needed and screwing his lights out, or the one that set and cried for days and scared all my *best friends off* cause I couldnt be a good enough friend to go out and get the bastards laughing. Yea that was my life and you can read on or not as right now I dont care and most of you here these last few months even know me.. Im the fucking beastie. Im meanie, the one who would get people going and keep shit going.. That was me.. Now I cant keep myself going..
I have seen so many close to me get so sick and tired of being depressed they have taken their lives.. Now seriously!!! Are they the weak ones or is it I that just doesnt dare kill myself? I have asked that too many times lately.. The answer is none that I have.. I want to be strong and I want to be who I should be, but I am in just to much pain to care.. Im not strong enough to kill myself as my ex fiance did earlier this year but then I am not strong enough to live or die.. I know it doesnt make any sense and it doesnt to this fucking old woman but either way I am not living and I dont have the guts to die.. Im in a shell.. I am waiting for my Mania to take over so I can deal with this.. I hate myself and my behavior so much and have anxiety so bad, I would give a zombie, my heart, soul and my personality to give give give, just so I could jump out of my own skin..
Is this a death proclamation??? Fuck NO.. I am not strong enough..
Posted on 10/23/13, 06:06 pm
Yea, I have had so much shit, not even my own and I have failed everyone. I am drinking right now and not even drunk and cant believe I am writing this.. I am so fucking sad and have been for awhile..
I dont really want to die and when I become Manic again Im sure I can give you a lot of help cause thats when it seems I help everyone but when I am so fucking down, obviously I cant even help myself..
Im not getting any younger and I am in my late 50s and suffered this fucking disease, all my life. Yea I have been the fucking cutter, and I have been on the other side where I walk into the home town bar, had a couple drinks and was always the life of the party. Now that I am old and I cant decipher which is worse. The being *up on life* having a few drinks and finding that man I always needed and screwing his lights out, or the one that set and cried for days and scared all my *best friends off* cause I couldnt be a good enough friend to go out and get the bastards laughing. Yea that was my life and you can read on or not as right now I dont care and most of you here these last few months even know me.. Im the fucking beastie. Im meanie, the one who would get people going and keep shit going.. That was me.. Now I cant keep myself going..
I have seen so many close to me get so sick and tired of being depressed they have taken their lives.. Now seriously!!! Are they the weak ones or is it I that just doesnt dare kill myself? I have asked that too many times lately.. The answer is none that I have.. I want to be strong and I want to be who I should be, but I am in just to much pain to care.. Im not strong enough to kill myself as my ex fiance did earlier this year but then I am not strong enough to live or die.. I know it doesnt make any sense and it doesnt to this fucking old woman but either way I am not living and I dont have the guts to die.. Im in a shell.. I am waiting for my Mania to take over so I can deal with this.. I hate myself and my behavior so much and have anxiety so bad, I would give a zombie, my heart, soul and my personality to give give give, just so I could jump out of my own skin..
Is this a death proclamation??? Fuck NO.. I am not strong enough..
Posted on 10/23/13, 06:06 pm
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
It sounds like you are really hurting. Is there someone you can talk to ?
no judgements here beastie. i can only say that you sound exactly like me when i first met you. i had to go to the hospital. over and over again.
it was just way, way too big for me, and it sounds like right now, it is way, way too big for you. the world is a better place with you in it, so i hope you'll reach out for professional help.
I wish I could take your pain away :(
Sorry you're feeling so down. It may be a good time to seek some professional help.
You're right, I don't know you. But by your profile I see that you've been on many meds that haven't worked... don't know what meds you're on now, other than attempting self-medicating with alcohol ...
And that you're also alcoholic .
I've felt like you describe before, and getting help from professionals and going to a support group helped me stay sober. A hospital stay was necessary to get me stable.
I hope you reach out for professional help, beast.
I am better, and you can get better - its so possible, even if it is hard - but suffering is harder in my opinion!
Please keep posting and make friends - we are good people here! Accepting and caring, and UNDERSTAND - no judgment, but I defiently want to throw Hope out there (((BIG HUG)))